Perl 5: I'm not dead!
TIOBE: 'Ere! 'E says 'e's not dead!
Internet: Yes he is.
Perl 5: I'm not!
TIOBE: 'E isn't?
Internet: Well... he will be soon-- he's very ill...
Perl 5: I'm getting better!
Internet: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
TIOBE: I can't take 'im off like that! It's against regulations!
Perl 5: I don't want to go off the chart....
Internet: Oh, don't be such a baby.
TIOBE: I can't take 'im off....
Perl 5: I feel fine!
Internet: Well, do us a favor...
TIOBE: I can't!
Internet: Can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long...
TIOBE: No, gotta get to Reddit, they lost nine today.
Internet: Well, when's your next round?
TIOBE: Next year.
Perl 5: I think I'll go for a walk....
Internet: You're not fooling anyone, you know-- (to TIOBE) Look, isn't there something you can do...?
Perl 5: I feel happy! I feel happy!
----
But seriously, Perl 5.30.2 just came out this month. It's not dead yet.
Its either true or serves for a good intellectual laugh.