The 1 way you need to attack shyness | Hacker News Reader

The 1 way you need to attack shyness

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40 pointsprakash24 comments

It might be better to hear the same advice unpacked by someone who has been through this as a teen. 'Everyone's the same' I think most introverts assume that, but at a more cognitive level . However, these calm, analytical thoughts are swamped by a lot of frantic, emotional unthinking reaction when the moment arrives. Don't beat yourself up even more for not remembering what you knew. These are two different parts of the brain taking charge at different moments. You can use your excessive analytical abilities to aid you. As I grew older the introspective part got directed outward in an attempted analysis of people around me. I don't think I am good at it, but it is endlessly fascinating and also helps in gradually arriving at the realization that we are all faced with the same situations and potential embarrassment. We may not all be the same, but the situations we face often are. Shyness may be due to a lot of different things. In my case, I realized it was a fear and an intense dislike for failure. A lot of early achievers who have been praised for their effortlessly great performances probably have the same roots for shyness. It really is a fear that you are caught out and found to be mediocre, or just like everyone else around you. This comes from internalizing the idea that your worth somehow depends on people's evaluation. Well, that is true up to a certain extent, but again one slip-up rarely ever brands you as a wannabe. The next time you feel your anxieties rapidly welling up, ask yourself what the worst could be. And the objective answer ,unless you are in hand-to-hand combat or being cornered in a dark alley, is it is not remotely as bad as your fears make it out to be. Most fears often resolve to a single question that you have already answered for yourself in the negative. Don't trust you theories, trust empiricism. You'll never know for sure until you have tried. A bit of subterfuge might help too; when paralyzed by fear, allow yourself to gloat that you are the only one even attempting what no around is daring to.

Everyone "eats, shits and dies" is similar to the "everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time". I think it's an effective saying, but won't resonate with everyone.

I think the best solution for some folks is to simply force yourself into the situation over and over, like going to a meetup and making yourself talk to everyone. Eventually, your brain will get the idea: okay, I can deal with meeting and talking to new people.

Here's my tip: learn how to ask great questions when you meet people. It takes the spotlight off of you and let's them "do the work". I can have entire conversations where I say very little if I'm feeling anxious at the moment.

> "everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time"

i put my pants into a device which holds them open, then i stand on a platform and jump into them.

BTW I'm thinking of starting a company to sell this device. Anyone interested in being a co-founder?

Wallace has prior art on this one. Grommit filed the patent.

Some people put their pants on like this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=pShf2VuAu_Q

I'm not planning on writing a book about this revelation ;) so I wasn't aiming to be novel.

That said, I think you're right on about habituation combating the anxiety of meeting and talking to new people. I'm a rather ambivalent about the value of all these web 2.0 meetups (yes, even drankkit) but I envisioned this kind of scenario:

Startup founder is waiting in line at SFO, looks up to see Ron Conway (or the like) standing in front of him and looking equally as bored. It's probably not the time to go into the pitch, but it shouldn't be how many startups he's funded/sold/acquired that stops you from talking to him (or anyone).

Maybe you'll even score his phone number.

The problem with people who are shy is that we are swamped with advices from people who are not. Seriously. Stop.

EDIT: That being said I can give one piece of advice to guys who are shy. Work out. Work out. Work out. You will be amazed how much NATURALLY produced testosterones can affect your behavior.

I can attest to this. I have been working out heavily for a few months and the change in how I feel is drastic. Definitely a recommend thing to do. Its actually fun, and this coming from a guy who's spent many a year hating exercise.

It is not just a hormonal thing, it's psychological too. Nothing beats deadlifting a heavily loaded bar, new personal best, and standing at the top thinking fuck, yeah! Impossible to do that and not build confidence.

Imho, you're confusing shyness with a lack of confidence.

They go hand-in-hand, and are almost inseparable.

Confidence is like a roller coaster: lots of highs and lows. The few times I hit the highs (for reasons that make sense only to Moi) I am still shy.

I believe we are shy because we make too many assumptions and judgments about our surroundings. And most of the time those are totally wrong.

Oh, bless his heart. He's "never had a problem with shyness" but still thinks remembering his one-line platitude is "sound advice" for the shy.

Extrovert bluster can be so cute!

I sure wish I could vote for you. Instead, please take my comment here to mean that I would have upvoted you.

Maybe one day I'll be able to vote again =x

I rarely up/down vote but I did upvoted him just for you.

You are a gentleman and a scholar, thank you.

email pg

Yeah, I was hoping to not have to resort to that, but I think you're right.. It's probably best to do that instead of whinging here ;)

I take it you don't appreciate my tongue-in-cheek advice -- I thought the Scarlett reference, profanity, and this-one-sentence-is-all-you-need simplicity would have been a dead giveaway.

I trust you meant well, but as advice, it doesn't help, and as a joke, it makes light of something causing people pain. So I only appreciate it in the sarcastic manner of my original comment: as an example of how glib the non-shy can be when discussing shyness.

and as a joke, it makes light of something causing people pain

That's what makes it a joke. If it didn't cause pain (at some level), no one would care enough to laugh.

I think the reason you are shy is because you take things way too seriously. Work on that and the shyness will disappear by itself.

Doesn't help, but does give me an idea for a great icebreaker...

"Everyone is equal" is not a solution to shyness. People are often shy to speak to someone they consider worse than themselves; shyness empirically does not function as implied.

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