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Comment by mooneater | Hacker News Reader

I was 22, that was the last mothers day my mother was alive for. Of course I didn't know at the time, but I didn't call. Im 44 now and its one of my biggest regrets.

Dont be like me. Call her.

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I know this wasn't the intent of the thread, and I appreciate what the intent was; but my mother died on Mother's Day about five years ago, and I had totally escaped/forgotten that today was Mother's Day in the United States until I read this thread topic.

I guess due to all the COVID-19 news I somehow escaped the usual media barrage of Mothers' Day fanfare that is usually on the television/radio/net.

While I was never distant with my mother, and we had a friendly/healthy rapport, I still regret not being able to call her now. I called her when I should, and generally treated her well -- but not being able to call and talk to her any day, but most especially today, is still a regret.

Whenever a project goes well, or I unexpectedly did better at something, or something fantastic or terrible happens to me -- there's a moment still , internally, where I think to myself "I can't wait to tell her.", usually followed by sadness during the realization that my idea is fantasy, she's long gone and I had forgotten in that brief part of time.

So, I share your sentiment for those out there that shared the same kind of relationship with their mother that I got to experience -- call your mom. One day you won't have the option to do so, and it's tough once you're unable to fulfill that desire.

Im sorry for your loss, and I can relate to wishing to share things with my Mom, she was a great listener.

I try to explain that to my sons when they ignore their Mom, that one day she won't be there, but its very hard for teens to imagine.

I was 21. My mom was in a permanent state of postoperative delirium and I was nursing her into her last days. It was just the two of us & I wasn't up to the task. I doubt I knew it was Mother's day.

A few weeks earlier: My older siblings and I sent a bright, aware, career budget analyst into cancer surgery. The hospital returned a woman who no longer recognized us or even where she was. We were sent home and some home health aides helped us get her settled & setup care routines.

After some time my sister went back to her life (she & mom didn't get on). Then my brother drove back to his home two states away and it was just me and mom & feeding her & helping to the bathroom & cleaning up when she didn't make it.

Some days or weeks later, I had a phone call w/ mom's sister and that aunt drove down & took over whatever it was I handed to her. As a guy who struggles to keep the dishes washed, I imagine it wasn't great.

The last few months of mom's life proceeded in a more orderly manner. Mom turned 64. I turned 22 & three weeks later she died.

In case anyone is tempted to lionize the kid in the above picture, let me complete the picture. If I could have slipped away and let someone take point, I would have. In this thing, my siblings & I were my dad's kids (tho he was gone & dead, many years). As I was living with mom already, I was the one left holding the colostomy bag.

So I wasn't really responsible but I was lucky. Taking care of an ailing parent for 6 months can be a privilege (as opposed to, say, 6 years). I'm grateful to have escaped the guilt that I suspect my siblings have. I also learned I might not be terrible at other big life challenges, like being a parent (I was anyway but not forever).

However, for anyone beating themselves up this Mother's Day, let it go. We are what we are until we aren't & the weightiest factor that changes that are the circumstances beyond our control.

'Will' is critical but I've found it's a poor tool for making deep, lasting, healthy changes - unless supportive environments are also present.

I think you should be proud of the dignity you gave her. No one can stop death but we can give dignity to people we love or feel gratitude towards, and it sounds like whatever job you did, no matter how good or bad the fact that you were there gave her dignity at the end of her life.

I don't want to lionize you, but I think you shouldn't sell yourself short. You were thrust into an incredibly difficult situation that very few understand and did what you had to do to make the best of it against insurmountable odds. You should be proud in the knowledge that when push comes to shove you can do what's required, that's much more than most can say for themselves.

You did right by her, so hey!

Details aside (because OPSEC) I'll be dealing with something like that for (ideally) years. With luck, perhaps for the rest of my life. It is quite the privilege, as difficult as it may be sometimes. And we have many friends to share the work. Which is fortunate, because I'd otherwise be overwhelmed.

My mom died young almost 17 years ago. I don’t have any regrets about not being close enough to her, I had dinner at my parents’ house once per week and spoke to her frequently.

I wish I would’ve encouraged her more to stop smoking and maybe not go to the crappy suburban hospital she was insisting on going to. That’s probably my only regret with the whole thing.

Glad to hear you were close. Smoking is very hard to quit, it was not your fault.

Are you OK? If you want to talk further I can be available via Discord, Teams, mobile, whatever...

Thank you, you are very kind.

Im doing pretty well and have supportive friends and family.

Are you a counsellor or generally like helping people through issues? I've always felt like I wanted to do that, though I'm not sure I have the right skills.

I'm just some bloke in Australia lol

I just wanted to make sure you had someone, anyone, in case the opposite was true.

Glad you have a support network my friend. Good luck.

Good advice, and please don't be too harsh on yourself for having forgotten to call. She would've forgiven you many times over.

You are right that she would forgive. Yet we can make it harder to forgive ourselves.

I will try to stay conscious of this. Thank you for your kind comment.

Regrets are hard. No one knows how yours feel and getting over them is almost impossible. Sending you some Universal Love

Thank you for your kindness, friendly stranger ^_^

Thank you for sharing this.

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