Don't trust nice people in business
atlassquats.com
atlassquats.com
That's not my definition of nice, so I realized there was no point in reading the rest of the text (if the clickbaity title wasn't enough of a hint already)
It's a dark view of humanity that, in my opinion, is not supportable.
Nice is a red herring I observe greedy people using to land deals. More than anything, I wrote this for people to protect themselves.
If your position is that "nice isn't sufficient", then I would agree entirely. If your position is that "nice is a red flag", then I could not disagree more. Singling out niceness as an indication of deception is a dark view of humanity.
I would argue that the essay also has the potential of encouraging nice people to start faking meanness out of a fear that their niceness will make people think they're con artists.
In business, if the goal is to make money (usually it is), you generally want to avoid niceties and get to the real questions like: is this other party honest, reliable, has a solid history in their relationships.
I see it as a red flag when someone trying to sell something or make money off a relationship with me is focused on how much I like them personally. Salesmen, in particular, try to connect to customers on a personal level with the minimal effort required to do so. And then leverage the positive feelings into a sale. I believe this is unethical and a risk. Especially for people that consider themselves kind.
In the context of business, I prefer someone who is upfront about how they plan to make money from or with me and then accurately explains the value or roi they provide. I also have more information about my business than the other person. Maybe I share something that makes the partnership a bad idea from a business standpoint. At this point, I respect people who walk away and stay in touch for when that relationship would make sense.
"But secret assholes pretend to be nice too."
So it's being able to tell the difference between someone genuinely nice and someone pretending to be nice? I guess that's just life and comes with experience and time.
I've known nice people who are also very sharp at business.
The way you define I would only consider nice those who are genuinely kind to me. If it's not genuine, they are not nice, just pretending to be nice. So, by (my) definition, I would trust nice people in business.
I don't feel that these traits overlap with honesty, respect, and decency.
There are positive traits that are easy and cheap and ones that are expensive and hard. Compliments are cheap and easy so I don't trust when people use them in the course of a sales conversation. Trust and respect are hard and expensive.
That's how we define Nice(TM), and that attitude is generally quite transparent and not well-liked at all, at least in my experience. Whether that's also regarded as being 'nice' plain-and-simple, is actually going to differ quite a bit. Some people would call it nice; some wouldn't.
But I do take his point: If someone is active attempting to manipulate you using 'pretend' friendship, then that is a flag. Not red, yellow perhaps.
You can also be a mean, decent person and a nice, decent person.
My goal is to get people to look at things that matter like respect, decency in actions rather than the surface level features we associate with them.
Most people who have ever talked to me in a professional setting would probably describe me as "nice".
I don't give two flying fucks if people like me. I'm not trying to be friendly or amicable.
I'm nice because I'm not weak.
I should elaborate.
There are a lot of shitty people in the world, and they come from all walks of life. Having grown up in a low-income family in a low-income area in Florida, I learned very quickly that the worst humans have one trait in common: They cannot help but confuse kindness for weakness.
Enter me. I'm a direct communicator. I will stand up for my beliefs and values. I will enforce my own personal boundaries, as well as anyone I'm working with, to the best of my ability. (e.g. Want to co-opt a meeting to drop something on a team member, without consulting them about their schedule? Hell no.)
I choose to be nice not because I want to benefit more from a transaction. I choose to be nice because it subverts the expectations of the shittiest humans while making life more pleasant everyone who's not shitty. Game theory 101.
> Every single person I've ever met has a dark side. You find it eventually. Watch out for the people that hide their dark side as long as possible. Or even worse, pretend they don't have one.
> No one is perfect. Everyone has anger, fear, sadness, shame, and a host of other negative qualities.
If someone is hiding their "dark" side--unless they're also something super terrible like a serial killer or sexual abuser--chances are they only do so because they've learned through painful experience to not be vulnerable. People can and will take advantage of them.
Which means: If you find someone who is "hiding" their "dark" side... they're actually showing you their own insecurity, and thus some of their dark side.
If they continue to hide it from you, maybe you're coming across as judgmental?
People are complicated. It costs nothing to just be nice.
I highly value respect, politeness, and decency. Interactions with other people shouldn't suck by default. I actually try to be nice.
I just place no value on others being nice to me. I care much more about do they treat me with respect and decency? Are they honest?
I believe valuing "nice" in and of itself in others is exposure to shitty people. If you value people simply because they are nice, some of them will inevitably take advantage of you.
Anyone who's been in The South for an appreciable length of time won't need to hear this, but it's totally possible to be "nice" while also being a jerk.
Respect and honesty go a long way towards productive conversations.
Respect and honesty are slow to earn and easy to lose. Nice is something you can turn on and off with no cost.
Some of the most honest, wonderful, and smartest people I've met have sharp edges. Especially on first impression.
OK, this confirms that I have a different definition of what makes a "nice person". Nice isn't something you can turn on and off with no effort. Nice isn't even always the same as pleasant.
So, I'll bow out of commenting on this, as we're not really speaking the same language. My apologies for the confusion this may have caused in my comments.
I know the southern trait you're talking about, but I disagree with this statement. If you're a jerk, you're not a nice person no matter how flowery your language is.
Perhaps this is the fundamental problem I have with this essay -- I don't share the same definition of a "nice person" as the author. If someone isn't respectful, polite, and honest, they aren't nice.
This is exactly the point of my comments above and take on this post. People say you’re ‘nice’, but maybe you don’t see ‘nice’ as equating to wanting other people to like you—to be friends. And so you reject the label.
However, if you accept the nice distinction the OP is trying to make, then you would have to conclude people’s description of you as ‘nice’ May not be their intention. Especially if your interactions with them have no being ‘friends’ content.
That’s interesting to me. I like conversations of language.
For example—I find people who comment ‘I thought you meant X’, and I ask myself if they really ‘thought’ about my intended meaning. I question if people are simply reacting to the connotation of the words as they received the message.
In this context I would question, when some says ‘I thought...X’, if they ‘thought’ about X, or if they simply ‘imagined’ the intended meaning.
And what does it matter? As much as anything anyone says can be said to have true intention and originate from symmetrical information, someone who just spouts off the first thing that comes to their mind could be considered ‘careless’ or full of $h#t. However, taking a step back and asking if someone is just reacting, jumping to conclusions or imagining the state of affairs, gives you a chance to ask for clarification. And if it’s not forthcoming, then maybe people are just talking $#it
Then the claim would be ‘polite’ and ‘respectful’ are what people really mean when they say someone is ‘nice’.
I like it! Nice wants to be your friend. We all need friends.
I agree ‘respect’ is a quality I appreciate, and ‘disrespect’ is an aggressive attitude. Suggests a power imbalance.
But ‘polite’? Is it specifically required in business? Retail, certainly helps. What do you have when someone is polite, but ‘unfair’?
Or how about when someone acts ‘respectful’, but they ignore the details of what you’re saying? At that point ‘clarity’ is more important.
And I like it when people get to the point. Too much ‘respectful’ and ‘polite’ talk can just be word salad working to confuse the issues. (Some offshore customer service people say things like, _I understand your concern_ or, _i understand how frustrated you must feel_ but do they? Or are they just trained to say that?)
I’m in business services, so we value brief and pointed conversations.
But who is fooled by ‘nice’ anyway—work colleagues and associates are not your friends. You didn’t choose who you work with. You can become friends, but at the end of the day who’s going to quit their job, or willingly lose money to be your friend?
You don't hear similar advice in medicine, education, entertainment, politics, etc. Sure, you can manipulate people at any juncture in life, in any industry. But business? Capitalism? "Fuck you", basically.
How does a $2 trillion education loan bubble form if colleges aren't pushing worthless degrees? How are medical emergencies the number one cause of bankruptcy in the US?