Ask HN: Can you be friends with your boss | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Can you be friends with your boss

13 pointsTzeentch9911 comments

Thoughts?

Personally I don't think you can no matter how much you may act like it because ultimately they have power over you creating an unequal relationship.

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Absolutely you can. Good managers support their people and do their best to make sure the people they're responsible for are doing their best. Bad managers abuse the outdated hierarchical model for ego trips.

You can absolutely be friends with your boss, because his or her job is to make you great, which is more than I can say about a lot of friends.

Yes, and I frequently have been.

The power relationship at work is only one part of your relationship with somebody. It does introduce complexities, and you both have to accept that friendship can't muddle the professional waters; if she or he thinks you're doing a bad job or the situation calls for layoffs, they'll need to give you feedback and potentially let you go -- and that can put a lot of stress on a friendship. Conversely if you think they're doing a horrible job as a manager, that'll also cause complications. But if there's good communications, friendships can survive even in these different situations.

It can be a perfectly equal relationship if you want it to be. You just have to be as prepared to quit as your employer is to fire you. That's not really very hard if you make it a goal.

That's viable in theory but not in praxis. Unconscious decision making bias will creep into everything that you do. That's hard to filter, especially for all those non-binary decisions in between "firing or not" (e.g. promotions, assigning of responsibilities, approval of proposals, etc.).

The bias will be there, it will negatively affect the activities of that employee, and, more importantly, it will negatively affect everybody else in the company. Human beings are extremely sensitive to group dynamics and will (subconsciously) either align with the bonding strategy of the "successful" employee or hate him (or you). Both outcomes are bad for the company.

PS: A lot of these biases are in place all the time anyhow as some amount of emotional attachment always occurs. You just need to watch it fairly carefully.

Your boss can be a respected friends, but not a loved buddy. In other words, you can have all the rational features of friendship but probably need to stay away from the emotional side (and definitely the romantic side).

There are two reasons for this. Emotional attachment creates decision bias which will eventually interfer with the job function of your boss (and/or your own). Leadership often needs detached objective assessment and you want your boss to have that capability.

The second reason has to do with group dynamics. Events play out differently when the boss is in the room (e.g. no venting). Keeping some distance is often the only way that a superior can encourage the growth of good staff dynamics (e.g. formation of informal leaders.

Both of these are good reasons why being a loved buddy relationship is neither practical nor actually desirable for a boss-staff relationship. It doesn't mean that you can't be friends though. Mutual support, assistance to success, (some) shared interests and so forth are all possible (and a usually good thing).

I was very good friends with one of my old bosses. We'd known each other for years when he extended the job offer to me. I accepted and we had a good working relationship and our friendship remained as good as ever.

Once I quit and moved on we still remained friends.

We eventually grew out of touch after his company got huge and he became very busy. I still talk to him on occasion, though. He's a great guy and I feel honored to call him friend and to have been a part of the company.

I've been friends with my past managers. True, they have power over you but not all relationships are equal anyway. If your manager is good and you respect him or her, you should not have a problem doing as told and your manager wont go on a power trip. Also, if a boss is good then they will care more about you and your career growth than the company so if you have a good reason to leave, they won't be hurt. And if they have to lay you off, they can help you find a new job.

An unequal power dynamic does not at all imply that you can't be friends. If either of you make each other's life more difficult, you're not going to be friends - but isn't this always the case? If, however, you have a healthy business relationship, there's no reason why you can't be friends as well.

As long as you both think each other are good at your jobs.

No.

"Family, religion, friends.. these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business." -Monty Burns

Sure, the same way you can be friends with an ex, a grandparent or a teacher, to just name a few.

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