From this list, the thing I struggle most with is conversations with strangers. Any suggestions on how to improve that?
That’s a great low risk drill to get started. It’s low risk because it works and you’re in an environment where respectful interruptions like that are acceptable. Good luck and if you get stuck, feel free to reach out.
Also, if you're a guest of the host of a party, you can approach people and just ask "So, how do you know $host?" Perhaps these are both effective conversation starts or questions because they begin with "how" as opposed to a who/what/when sort of question.
Let go of pride and ego.
Find something the person may be very interested in, and get them talking about it.
"I can't help but notice that watch, can I ask you about it?" (Anybody asking about my watch is an instant friend. WHY WONT ANYBODY NOTICE MY WATCHES??)
"This might be weird but I need a new barber, where do you get your haircut?"
"Yooo where did you get that sweater?"
"You carrying golf clubs around the city? There a course I don't know about?"
"Is that a defcon sticker?"
Something unique about them. Find it, ask about it. Easy to practice. Just do the find it step to random people during your commute.
Especially the “yoooo dawg lemme see that watch!” kind of vernacular.
As such I refuse to believe any of your recommendations come from personally successful experiences.
You wouldn't use it out and about on the street or the bus, unless you were really personable.
> As such I refuse to believe any of your recommendations come from personally successful experiences.
K, well, I'm not gonna work hard to prove anything lmao. Sounds like you just don't hang with a massively diverse group of people.
A tip from an adult who didn’t stumble into this industry from the recruitment sidelines: Keep your “yoooo dawg swaggy swag brooo!” stuff to your non-work friends. Women cite this immature brogrammer nonsense and the “culture” it creates as one of the reasons they’re put off from joining, or as a reason for leaving, the tech industry.
I’d encourage you to try to do better.
> A tip from an adult who didn’t stumble into this industry from the recruitment sidelines:
What's the purpose of delving into my post history to find more material for personal insults?
Why have you rhetorically positioned yourself as an adult, and me as a child, in your message?
What emotion were you hoping I felt when you insinuated that my professional background makes me Less Than?
Why is it so important to you to impress upon me that You Are Smarter Than Me?
- Start conversion with something you notice about the other person, the event, the surroundings ("the color of your watch matches with your sweater - stylish!", "is this stuff boring or is it just me?", "you know why they put that thing over there?")
- Topics: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams
- Repeat the last few words of the other person and look asking. The person will continue the subject s/he's talking about
- Connect and imagine the other guy. "I am a writer" - "A writer! I always wanted to be one but always stop after one page of writing. I imagine you must be very disciplined"
- Avoid RAPE (Religion, Abortion, Politics, Economics)
- You can always say nothing and just stay there. Often the other person picks up the conversation once you're past a few minutes.
- Try looking people into the eye while walking around, and force yourself to not look away. This is a nice training for looking strangers in to the eye in a cold approach. Once you got that, talking to strangers becomes much less intimidating.
- Eventually people will ask you what you do for work / or what you did today. Have something ready that sounds interesting.
...why is this guy randomly talking to me? Are they selling something?
> - Start conversion with something you notice about the other person, the event, the surroundings ("the color of your watch matches with your sweater - stylish!", "is this stuff boring or is it just me?", "you know why they put that thing over there?")
...oh god, this is boring...
> - Topics: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams
...this is wildly veering _super_ boring and way too personal.
> Repeat the last few words of the other person and look asking. The person will continue the subject s/he's talking about
...okay, they're not selling me anything, they're an axe murderer.
> Connect and imagine the other guy. "I am a writer" - "A writer! I always wanted to be one but always stop after one page of writing. I imagine you must be very disciplined"
...at least they seem sloppy, maybe if I leave the venue quietly they'll forget I was there.
> Avoid RAPE (Religion, Abortion, Politics, Economics)
1. Avoids topic that involve materialised ethics. 2. Uses _rape_ as a funny acronym.
More evidence of axe murdering tendencies.
> You can always say nothing and just stay there. Often the other person picks up the conversation once you're past a few minutes.
...I don't think standing silently in the corner and staring is going to diminish the axe murderer impression you just made.
> Try looking people into the eye while walking around, and force yourself to not look away. This is a nice training for looking strangers in to the eye in a cold approach. Once you got that, talking to strangers becomes much less intimidating.
...what did I just say about staring? Because now you're _staring people right in the eye and not looking back_. Fun thing you learn early as you learn masking autism, people _way_ overrate looking others in the eyes.
> Eventually people will ask you what you do for work / or what you did today. Have something ready that sounds interesting.
"I kill people. With an axe and/or facial recognition."
You're not going to befriend everyone you talk to, but you're not going to befriend anyone you don't talk to.
Oh, for sure, I'm not saying this approach won't work for you. I'm saying that if you're using that approach you're being using strategies designed mostly by abusers, that are inherently abusive (now, whether you are an abuser depends on whether you realise that and whether you stick to it after realising that), and that you _shouldn't do that_.
> You're not going to befriend everyone you talk to, but you're not going to befriend anyone you don't talk to.
I don't have to try and befriend everyone I meet. There are social contexts specifically designed for making new friendships, and quite helpfully they usually also provide a framework for approaching new people. And between meetup.com, OkCupid, interest-specific subreddits, Discords and Twitter, it's easier than ever to find should spaces that are tailored to however specific your social needs are. There's zero excuse for cold approach.
DM me if you'd like someone to talk to.
No, I mean, it might be hard to imagine to a person who believes into might makes right as strong as you apparently do, but a couple of tiny restrictions actually makes it _easier_ to make friends.
And, y'know, no, I don't have much of history of abusive. I knew a few abusive people, but they mostly focused on others. Another thing that might be hard to imagine for you, I suppose.
> DM me if you'd like someone to talk to.
LOL, no.
I'm not sure what you mean here, can you explain? What did I say that makes you think this?
I actually am a victim of abuse. It took me a long time to understand that strangers who talk to me aren't trying to hurt me. It really took a lot of work, and still takes a lot of work.
I enjoy making friends almost anywhere, unless I'm on a date. Life is boring and meaningless without human connection and community. I believe your mindset is in the minority, and I suggest you find a therapist to work on why you think all strangers are abusers.
People assume that even at networking, social gatherings, or speed dating events. Doesn't matter what their initial impression is as you can change their later impression.
> ...oh god, this is boring...
That can be said for anything. The point is to make them contribute and prevent a one-sided conversation.
> ...this is wildly veering _super_ boring and way too personal.
That's why progression matters. You can also refrain from asking them directly, like for example: "let me guess, you're an arts student/interior designer" Most people would correct your assumption, and now you're talking about occupation. Or you can segway that to recreation "I could've sworn that you're the (assumed occupation) type. You seem like you do plenty of (activity related to assumed occupation)" The person would again correct the assumption, or if not, you can change the subject or push through. Either ask directly "so what do you do instead?" or share a detail about yourself/the subject that'd bait the person into asking or sharing theirs.
> ...Axe murder...
Most people respond friendly. If they are part of the contrary, move on.
They literally wrote "cold approach," so no, this does imply approaching strangers in random situations.
> That can be said for anything. The point is to make them contribute and prevent a one-sided conversation.
It implies tying people in an unwanted conversation and then trying to leverage inevitable anxiety to get them to say something personal.
> That's why progression matters. You can also refrain from asking them directly, like for example: "let me guess, you're an arts student/interior designer"
Jesus christ, who talks like that.
> Most people respond friendly. If they are part of the contrary, move on.
I too respond friendly to potential axe murderers. Angry axe murderers are more likely to axe murder you.
Seriously, though, there are _multiple_ red lights for abusive and exploitative behaviour in that advice. Yes, it _will_ work, abusive behaviour often works. But also, if you ever meet someone like that - or if you try it on someone with life experience that taught them _both_ what abuse and respect look like, they'll most likely smile, say something safe, and then leave to warn others about you.
I sure would.
You make conversations with strangers all the time. The taxi driver, while waiting at a long queue, a friend brings over a new face, someone on the street shows you interest (they smile first, greet, etc), you see a familiar face out there and you check out if they're showing interest such as a longer eye contact and then you go "Hey we go to the same gym, how's X? blah blah. Oh really? By the way I'm Brad"
> It implies tying people in an unwanted conversation and then trying to leverage inevitable anxiety to get them to say something personal.
Jeez, as long as you're not being a creep it's just friendly banter. There'll of course be people like you who think the world is after them so just have the decency to get out and leave them be.
> Jesus christ, who talks like that.
I'm sure you do it one way or another. Light-hearted teasing and joking: "is that code I see? i'm betting you're a CS student." Heck that's actually how I got my last job referral, sat next to a dude and noticed that he's reading notes that has a diagram of a (segment) tree. Turns out that he's got a position at a company's R&D lab and at that time was prepping for a competition at codeforces. He invited me to his company and we're friends to this day.
> I sure would.
You can't satisfy everyone. Just don't be a creep and pick up on social cues.
- some version of asking for a recommendation (ie, "what's good here?")
- in a social event, try "Hi, we haven't met yet, I'm ______"
I see how this can be valuable, but can we not use this acronym?
As for tactics: just ask questions. Everybody likes to talk about themselves. Eventually, you'll get good at finding out what interesting things people have going on in their lives (most people have something).
- Board game/trivia group at your local bar
- Join Toastmasters
Secondly, be more interested in listening to the other person than in talking about yourself. Most people want to talk about themselves.
The difference between confidence and arrogance is that confidence is rational belief in oneself, while arrogance is irrational belief in oneself. People think alcohol gives them confidence, but it might just be giving them arrogance.