Wow. I've been there. 3 times actually. Unfortunately, your question is deceptively complex. There are several smaller questions/concerns contained within your dilemma.
Financial:
Can you afford to quit? You say you are married. If you don’t have kids, you’ll need 6 months living expenses. Better yet would be to have a years’ worth. I have heard conflicting reports on how easy it is to get unemployment if you quit. For now, I would assume that you cannot get unemployment.
Next, Quit or Don’t?:
If you decide to quit - here’s what you should do:
1. Give tons of notice. Since you don’t have anywhere to go, you can keep earning money and be openly looking for a new gig. The fact that it’s out in the open should alleviate some of the stress for you.
2. Figure out why you’re so unhappy. Write down two answers. First, an answer that is well rehearsed. This is the answer you can tell your boss and co-workers so you don’t blow up and tell them they are killing you. Second, an answer that is the real reason. If you’re this miserable at a job you’re going to have to do some serious soul searching to figure out why and you’ll need a plan of attack to deal with these issues so they don’t disrupt you in the future
3. Find the person who will be most upset about your quitting and manager your relationship with them. This will be huge on down the line.
4. Ultimately, be nice. You’re leaving and the way you leave will stay with you forever in the minds of your bosses and co-workers.
If you decide to stay - here’s what you should do:
Don’t phone it in. The anxiety of being at a job that you hate and continuing to do half-assed work will crush you. Better to take risks on projects that have the chance to excite you and do great work for the company. If you’re going to leave anyway, just find a way to politely decline the work you don’t want to do and pick a project that has a chance to be a game changer.
Next, look for another job. I know this is obvious, although in my opinion, you have 3 ways to go with this:
Option 1: Get another job, any job. Call recruiters. Call everyone you know. Shotgun resumes. Apply to jobs you know you can get and get a new one. Once within the new job give yourself 6 weeks to determine if you like it. If you like it, great, you have a job you like. If you don’t, move on to Option 2 or 3 and figure out how the fuck you’re going to explain why you have been job hopping so aggressively. Just be happy that you have a job that doesn’t make you cry. If it does, go to therapy.
Option 2: Figure out what your dream job is with extreme detail. I mean everything where is it? What do you do? Who do you work for? What your boss is like? How much you will get paid? Size of company, revenue, industry, etc. EVERYTHING. Write at least 3 pages on this and find companies and positions that match your target and go after them with everything you’ve got.
Option 3: Start freelancing. Be slightly less selective about the projects you take, but find a market that you are comfortable serving and do whatever it takes to give them what they want. Maybe even finding a few projects that pay $15 or $20 an hour will give you and your wife more confidence that you can quit. And if you do well you might be able to parlay those into an even more successful full-time side gig.
And when it’s all said and done and you have your dream job, do something nice for your wife. Dealing with this type of thing really sucks for women and I think taking a trip with her and showing her that you’re happy will do wonders for both of your psyches.