An Adult’s Guide to Social Skills, for Those Who Were Never Taught | Hacker News Reader

An Adult’s Guide to Social Skills, for Those Who Were Never Taught

nytimes.com

68 pointsjohnny31313 comments

The recommendation that people talk more to strangers should be accompanied by a warning that it can be a significant annoyance to no longer be surrounded by complete strangers when in public, and instead have people you've voluntarily conversed with previously, and may expect you to not ignore them in the future.

I generally like to keep to myself and focus on my own interests. In the past I've dabbled with being more social with strangers at cafes I would frequent. The end result was I stopped going to those cafes because it became a nuisance, since I felt obligated to speak with the people I'd spoken with before, but really had zero interest in speaking with regularly. They would start sitting by me while I was at my laptop working, and wanting to make small talk whenever they saw me.

Nope.

I've always kind of wondered if in some near future, phones will be replaced by augmented reality glasses, allowing people to zone out and let the glasses manage your human interaction.

"WARNING, your spouse has asked you a question!"

Question was: "What do you think?" [1][2]

[1] subject is inviting Aunt Ellen to the family picnic next month.

[2] Aunt Ellen does not get along with Uncle Jerry, who will also be attending.

Jesus, your premise here is far more interesting than the entire last season of black mirror. Would watch this episode for sure.

Sounds an awful lot like the giggles wore in Stephenson’s Fall; Or, Dodge in Hell. People in the later years wore google that could do that to indicate status, interest, or just anonymize themselves.

Interesting enough it’s possible to explain to the people that you want to be left alone when e.g. you have your laptop lid open. If done politely but firmly they take it easy and respect your space. I only point it out because it seems once the ice is broken there’s no way to keep that distance but it isn’t so.

How that plays out depends on the person, and since we're talking about random strangers here, it's really quite unpredictable.

In my experience I've come to prefer being completely anonymous in public. The communities where I've been more outgoing and developed a rapport with strangers, it's only become a burden.

I don't want to have to say hi and explain to people I don't have time to talk when I'm going through the grocery store, or just getting work done at a cafe. It's annoying, and depending on the person, they can appear really quite defeated or offended even, by being denied the opportunity to socialize again.

I've also found that relations are in a better place as complete strangers vs. "ice broken" but with denied interactions more than once. The former is a clean slate, the latter is actually in a worse than clean slate form. You've gone from clean slate to actively rejecting the contact after seeing a bit of what's behind the previously closed door.

Being social with strangers is great if you're extroverted and want to prioritize those interactions in your life. Otherwise it can really be a can of worms. Now I only do it when I'm traveling, since I'm confident I won't see those people regularly. Even those interactions can be problematic, people often want to exchange contact information and meet again, and get offended when I refuse.

So insightful! It took me a while to get a "feel" for what you are saying; but you put it into words perfectly. This is especially difficult in situations like baristas or service workers of places I frequent.

One day I might be gregarious and have a conversation with the person, but most of the time I just want to get my coffee and be on my way. I've already planned my next couple steps; and stopping to chat wasn't one of them.

Then, every time I go to this place, it's a weird interaction with the service worker because I didn't pick the conversation up where we last left it, or I didn't show a keen interest in them that day. It leads to them avoiding eye-contact or "going on break" when your next in line.

So I try extra hard now to just keep to my own and not talk to anyone for the most part. Not out of being anti-social, but just knowing that I most likely won't benefit from the interaction in the long run.

There's someone who leaves their work post just to avoid you, because you chatter with them once and then didn't chat then next time? Are you sure?

No one can be sure of anything in these situations. Are you saying this scenario is impossible?

I think I might have been in the University of Chicago/Nicholas Epley study mentioned at the end of the article, or at least a very similar study at Booth around that time. When I was an undergrad, volunteering as a guinea pig for studies (especially the ones at Booth) was a good way to make a little money, so I ended up participating in a lot of studies. But its funny to see one that I participated in the wild.

http://archive.md/AwVIN

Simple, no nonsense, no gimmick, respectful, blog/book for learning social skills:

improveyoursocialskills.com

Non-paywalled link?

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