This headline so reminds me of a poem titled "Annonce" ("Want Ad") which Johann Wolfgang von Goethe wrote A.D. 1811:

"Ein Hündchen wird gesucht, das weder murrt noch beißt, zerbrochene Gläser frißt und Diamanten scheißt."

Roughly translates to:

"Looking for a doggy which will neither snarl nor bite, broken glass shall be its food and diamonds be its shite."