I've seen your other projects from years ago, e.g. your bookmarks site. I think you have great ideas and skill. I appreciate the effort towards being no bullshit. May I suggest a no-BS approach that replaces highly subjective humor with a copy that focuses on (hopefully also no-bullshit) aspects like
1. clearly stating how you gonna scale image delivery
2. clearly stating how you store files
3. clearly stating how you're financially sustainable
I love businesses with personality. It's just hard to do good humor. This humor reminds me of a 20yo me in college, a time when my sense of narcissism was way outperforming my sense of good taste.