The Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest: 2019 Winners
bulwer-lytton.com
bulwer-lytton.com
Now, that joke could have been written any time in the last century. But nobody thought of it until 2019. So never worry that there aren't any good ideas left.
"If satan had hair and ever lost it There would be hell toupee"
Literally just googled toupee jokes and every single one seems to be based on this pun.
But if you're not careful, that may look like a cheap entry fee for a public toilet.
"All I can say is that I have never been so insulted (even by the likes of my moronic sister (who seems to delight in making me uncomfortable (and she is so good at it, knowing just how to push my buttons (which I think is a skill that all siblings possess to some extent (which I believe proves some sort of genetic link (despite the fact that I really enjoyed genetics in school (relating on so many levels to Gregor Mendel and his peas (but of course peas make me gag, since my throat swells when I eat them)))))))) as I was by someone suggesting that I have ADD."
It was a Dark & Stormy night in Chiang Mai, with monsoon weather rapidly setting in only those up to no good dared brave the streets, however in Sacramento where this book is set it was actually a fairly pleasant afternoon.
sudo apt install fortune cowsay
Then edit ~/.bashrc Add the following line to the end of the file:
fortune | cowsay
Enjoy!
> Dropping his now-empty Remington .30-06 and tearing across the tundra after two weeks of hunting in the Alaskan wilderness in the company of none other than three-time Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt—the rustic outing being the spoils of his winning bid at the Sun Valley Country Day School live-auction fundraiser—Bart Michaelman realized with dismay that, in this particular instance, he did in fact have to outrun the bear.
“Detective Wilhelm Schmidt’s raspy voice poured through the telephone receiver like a dump truck of gravel unburdening its load—much like the trucks that worked around the clock at Rohrer’s Quarry off of 1-81, transporting payloads of lime, sandstone, crushed rock, and gypsum—though with Detective Schmidt’s heavy German accent, excavation on its own would not suffice, and a second, albeit entirely different industry would need to be invoked to really paint a crystal clear picture of his voice.”
[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It_was_a_dark_and_stormy_night
The winners of a similar contest mentioned by shantly are more in the spirit of being horrible (or at least corny) while being limited in their rambling length.
"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents - except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."
This sentence gained pop-culture resonance in the Peanuts comic strip, where Snoopy repeatedly would start writing his novels with "It was a dark and stormy night." and quickly derail from there.
“A throng of bearded men, in sad-colored garments, and gray, steeple-crowned hats, intermixed with women, some wearing hoods and others bareheaded, was assembled in front of a wooden edifice, the door of which was heavily timbered with oak, and studded with iron spikes.”
> It was a dark and stormy night.
or even
> It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents.
are actually excellent. I like the rest of it as well. It just shouldn't be a single sentence.
I'm not a professional writer but I personally like this rephrasing.
London. Thunder. Rain.
A direct translation:
Night, street, lamp, drugstore, A dull and meaningless light. Go on and live another quarter century - Nothing will change. There's no way out.
You'll die, then start from the beginning, It will repeat, just like before: Night, icy ripples on a canal, Drugstore, street, lamp.
More attempts here: https://ruverses.com/alexander-blok/night-street-lamp-drugst...
It would be a very, very hard book to write, and most likely pretty brain-frying to read, but I'd read the crap out of that book. One of the most experimental notions I've ever heard.
It could end with 'frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn' and 'tomorrow is another day'!
a Douglas Adams quality
Model prompt >>> As they sprinted together down the echoing, looping ramp of the deserted Guggenheim Museum, closely pursued by three swarthy members of the resolutely vicious Cannelloni gang, square-jawed British Royal Marine art historian/world's deadliest sniper John Savage and his voluptuous young modern art critic/Navajo linguist Samantha Silver cursed architect/interior designer/writer/educator Frank Lloyd Wright for designing such a circuitous route out of the building.
>>> ======================================== SAMPLE 1 ======================================== The fact that the entire way was over a five-pointed star of the "Stars of David," which both men had tattooed on their arms, was beside the point. Neither of them would have been deterred if their pursuers had been armed with nuclear weapons, which would undoubtedly obliterate the entire museum, as well as any of the many high-rise buildings surrounding it.
At the heart of the building is an enormous, ornate winged monolith bearing the words "
======================================== SAMPLE 2 ========================================
"Just the way he built this place," Savage snarled, his hands clenched, "he'd be able to make any building disappear any time he wanted."
A couple of hours later, back at work, Silver and I were finally able to catch up with fellow explorer/writer/reporter Charles Fenton, who had been in the Museum galleries earlier in the day and stayed behind to observe our conversation. "That was quite a day!" he beamed at me.
======================================== SAMPLE 3 ========================================
As they approached the main lobby, Savage turned and grinned, showing off his impressive, biceps-bound physique. There was a reason the gang of thugs had been lured here, he explained to Silver. There were two other entrances out to street level. "The most efficient way of crossing this place is by helicopter." He paused, eyes scanning the distance. "And that would require an army or navy to pull it off." He raised his gun and laughed. A few yards away, Savage and
- Casino Royale, ST:TNG