Props for keeping your sense of humor, dude.

I had to look it up... Haha.

Have you tried a space toilet?

And I know you mentioned a feeding tube, can they add fiber in your diet somehow? I used to get similar issues while not eating enough fiber.

Any forums of people with similar conditions that could recommend solutions?

Best of luck.

I just thought of another idea. A lot of times public bathrooms will have a disposable, flushable, parchment paper that can be placed on the seat and a flap leads down to the water. If you were to have 4 of these flaps instead of 1 I think it would protect the bowl enough.

You sir, are an ace. I wish you all the best.