Comment by abjKT26nO8 | Hacker News Reader

Comment by abjKT26nO8 | Hacker News Reader

I'm bisexual (male) and for a long time now I have had a lot more sexual success among men than among women (i.e. zero success in the latter case). I've been meaning to change this situation, so I tried Tinder with the settings adjusted, so that Tinder thinks I am only "interested in women". First try - no matches. Second try - one match, conversation ended with no explanation after 2 exchanges. Third try - 3 matches per day (here I tried different photos and a shorter bio). But it turns out that, even though men were quite willing to partake in one night stands, women - not a single one I matched with. Well... that's not entirely true. There were pairs who were willing to do that. And there were women looking for threesomes. I wouldn't want that to be my first time with a woman. Too stressful for a first time.

And I am not interested in a relationship. I've been alone for such a long time (not of my own volition, just didn't have too much success) that after all the time during which it was painful, this way of living got ingrained into me and I can't see myself sharing a life with anyone anymore. I do everything in my own peculiar way now. And if I wanted a relationship, I would want that to develop from a friendship, or generally more naturally, not "search for love" over the Internet...

I would like to have sex from time to time, but now it seems I can only do that with men. What a weird world I live in.

Women naturally bear higher risk from a one night stand. Pregnancy isn’t easy on the body at all. And that’s just the physical aspect of it. It’s not surprising that there’s a little aversion to one night stands.

I think you are discovering that women, on average, have different expectations from a sexual relationship than men. In fact, it is not weird at all to find that men are much more interested in one night stands than women. Even women who are interested in casual sex tend to want their partner to be at least open to the idea of entering into a relationship. If anything in your bio hints that you are only interested in sex, you will pare your respondent pool down to exactly the type of women you discovered to be receptive: adventurous women interested in threesomes and those who want the safety of having a trusted third party along with their new bit of strange.

I explicitly signaled what I was looking for in my bio. The weird part is, a lot of women ignored that and hoped that something (I don't know, their photos maybe? :D) will make me more willing to exploring a relationship.

Also, there was no "would you at least be open to the idea of entering into a relationship?". It was simply "casual? nope".

Another weird bit - the cherry on top - is the fact that most people are heterosexual and yet all my sexual experiences were strictly homosexual - again, the proportions are not the result of my choice.

And again the idea of "looking for love" on the Internet on Tinder sounds ridiculous to me. Think about it: you're essentially swiping photos left and right. It's what this app is focused on. And yet a lot of women seem to want to find the love of their lives there. I just can't... You want something meaningful? Grow a relationship IRL, don't swipe photos thinking "is this the one?".

You are right that I am simply discovering that men and women have different expectations. But the proportions are mind-boggling to me + the means by which so many women seem to hope to fulfill their expectations are absurd.

It’s also worth noting that in (north america? western societies?) many women (and certainly almost 100% of women using dating apps) are numbed by a nearly constant and pervasive onslaught of possible sex partners. From that position then, they would never look for sex partners, they would simply choose to say yes the next time someone asks.

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