> also want a programmable bedroom light that can slowly dim on at morning
Oh you absolutely do, this has been by far the best (arguably only) benefit I've seen from home automation. Sunrise is now whenever is convenient. The lights slowly come on over 30 minutes and it feels like I'll wake up at some convenient time for my body during that period, rather than having my sleep interrupted by an infuriating alarm.
> A smart light will also fail at the worst possible way, and I don't want to deal with it.
I haven't had any problems with mine (v1 hues), they default to working like normal bulbs so the worst case scenario is you toggle the switch off and on and you get an illuminated lightbulb every time. Also (true of any LED light) they will continue to work even after you've shattered the glass by accident.
> changing the shape of the keys so that they would stop puncturing my pockets when I walk
Have you considered alternate solutions such as less-tight pants? ;P