I appreciate your comment. It reminded me of a quote I heard once (probably on this board) that shed light on my childhood experience and helped me better understand myself:
>When a child is dealing with anxiety/anxious behavior, it's better to treat the parents than to take the kid into therapy.
Something along these lines. It helped me realize or reinforce that, while my father has had and has anxiety/depression for most of his life, his legacy might not be as much genetically imprinted on me insofar that it's of learned behavior.
In other words, I recalled a rather generic memory (which means it probably happened multiple times): I was at home, minding my own business, when it became clear that someone was expected at the house - perhaps the cable guy, a plumber, or someone like that - and I remember watching my father _wait_ for this person. Like, he would be sitting on the couch, watching TV, but would go put on his shoes, then take them off, then pace around the living room, then open and shut the door, pace a little more, and sit down for a few moments, and repeat. And I recall wondering what was bothering him. And I think this was him dealing with his general anxiety and I notice this sort of behavior in myself (or at least the nagging urge to _do something_ in order to feel more comfortable somehow). So now I think I know why I get certain thoughts at certain times (and realize I don't have to respond to them in the way I think my father would).
This is probably the healthy sort of realization people try to discover in therapy. I have had the fortune of seeing a handful of decent-to-great therapists throughout my life, and I have tried to mentally stash away the best gleanings, so as to justify all the time, money, and energy spent talking to these people.
>BTW, what's a SWE?
I thought this was the acronym people used for "software engineer". Maybe I won't use it anymore. What I was trying to express was my, well, feelings of inferiority /slash/sour grapes due to my perceived lack of career/professional success at age 30, a sense which seems to get worse and more bitter as I get older, which I would _really_ like to nip in the bud, because every time I let it take hold, it always leads to bad/negative thinking, prejudice, poor self-image, envy of others, and those sorts of things. Maybe it's Perpetual Late Bloomer Syndrome?
Thanks again for your comments.