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Comment by lastofus | Hacker News Reader

Something that I wish was made clear to me beforehand is that there is a huge variance in children, even between siblings.

This means that what works well for some kids will fail terribly for others. Half of parenting is trying out a bunch of different things to find out what works well for your kids, and is also acceptable for you. This variance is also a big reason why there is no "one true way" of raising kids, and why you shouldn't take parenting authorities too seriously.

It's also helpful to know when comparing yourself and your kids to other couples with kids. The worst is parents of a single kid with an easy disposition. They can sometimes be judgy and wonder why you don't just do what they did, because clearly they are amazing parents, and you are failing hard.

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My mom told me that the most surprising thing to her was about being a parent of a second child, and finding out that she had just as much to learn as with the first one, because everything worked differently.

This is what every person I know with grown children says. Also my grandmother said for that reason be wary of advice from other people. Especially new parents with young children.

>This variance is also a big reason why there is no "one true way" of raising kids, and why you shouldn't take parenting authorities too seriously.

I have a 7mo old and, naturally, for the first couple months my wife and I drove ourselves bonkers worrying about whether or not we were any given task "the right way". I mean, don't get me wrong, we still check with his pediatrician and do basic online research about certain things, but for the most part you just develop an intuition about your kid and what their needs are.

> there is a huge variance in children

This was a surprise to me too, to the extent that I started wondering where I got the notion that all infants should be that same right out of the womb.

Not sure if I got the answer, but one reason might be found in our historical heritage, i.e. the influence of the enlightenment and the furious fight that was fought out between those who believed heredity was everything (ultimately supporting the Kings right to rule) and democrats to whom heredity in such matters was so abhorrent that they tried to wipe out such "a priori" nature from reality using a "tabula rasa"[0] view of humans, a view that prevailed but is ultimately false as parents of several children are left to discover to their surprise.

A case of conceptual overreach it seems, since accepting hereditary or other a priori traits in humans surely don't mean we can't have democracy.

[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tabula_rasa

As the parent of fraternal twins, I can say this was the biggest surprise. We have two absolutely and incredibly different children in one delivery.

I guess the other lessons learned were:

- as soon as you get comfortable with a routine, it changes

- they come into this world as their own people. You can guide them to find their strengths and weaknesses and give them tools to work with those, but it really is nature at the core and nurture only helps them to be better versions of who they intrinsically are

We had twins too (and one older sister). I _was_ amazed that, despite spending less than 48hrs apart in their first couple of years of life, they were _completely_ different. I mean, their personalities are chalk & cheese, and neither of them are anything like their sister. They're really very individual, all of them.

Basically, this is just echoing what the rest of people say on here. There's no "one true way", every child is so different, you have to just trust your instincts. Lots of people will give you advice, you basically have to just nod your head and ignore it 95% of the time.

The only thing I can suggest as preparation is get as much sleep as you can for the fortnight before the little one(s) due. You'll need some in the bank!

They are 6 years old at this point so we are past the point of banking sleep, for the most part. Scarily, they also had different sleep schedules and one had colic and the other one didn’t (fortunately). It was difficult, but we had help so I can’t complain in earnest.

Hear hear. My first was easy and level 1, but apparently with our second I cheated to the endboss. She is all "won't do" (she's two years old now) and really does everything how she wants it.

I came here to say this. Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever put my hands to. Something that works one day might be a disaster the next day.

You have a multitude of well-meaning friends with gobs of parenting advice.

Everyone knows what’s best.

But you have to figure out what works for you.

I would encourage two things: First, be consistent, but give your kids grace.

Second, keep in mind this is a marathon and not a sprint. Have a long-term mindset.

Amen about parents with easy-to-parent kids.

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