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andrewstuart

I feel like I'm getting worse at communicating as I get older.

My former partner kept telling me I don't listen.

Which resulted in my thinking "What, what does that even mean?".

To this day I am still trying to learn how to listen.

I am also very much aware I am an interrupter. I know how bad this is and even so it is still hard to stop.

I also interrupt when I am excited and enthusiastic and when I like the person I am talking to.

I think the two are connected. One is less inclined to interrupt if one is actually truly listening.

Interrupters aren't having a conversation with you. They are having a conversation with themselves and not listening, just waiting to talk.

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“You’re not listening” often means something like “I am feeling some strong emotion (anger, frustration, sadness, ...) but you are not validating my feelings, and that lack of validation itself feels like rejection.”

Even something as simple as echoing back someone’s statements, or saying “it seems like you are feeling angry because ...” can make a large difference. Once you have shown that you understand and can name or describe the person’s feelings it is often much easier to discuss possible solutions to practical problems. But if you jump straight to offering practical advice, that is often unwelcome.

(Of course, it might sometimes literally mean “you’re not listening”, which probably needs a different remedy.)

Let me recommend the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk even if you never talk to kids.

"You're not listening" depends on the context. In a calm conversation...well I've never heard it in a calm conversation. In a heated conversation, it can be you misunderstand or just as likely they're poorly communicating and growing resentful at not being understood.

On your point on interrupters not listening: a big point of this article is that a skillful interruption moves a conversation along by allowing swift communication of understanding, so time isn't wasted repeating shared knowledge. A poor interrupter, a Barker, is as you describe - just throwing their own mess out there. If your interruptions cause irritation, it is because they aren't properly tuned or else you're dealing with someone from the Church of Strong Civility.

Quite often when people accuse each other of not listening, it's that they aren't actually saying what they think they are saying, and then getting pissy because the other party didn't telepathically pick up on what they actually meant.

My former partner kept telling me I don't listen.

Which resulted in my thinking "What, what does that even mean?".

There can be just so very many reasons why people fail to communicate. I would be leery of chalking it up to any one thing.

As the article under discussion notes, interrupters sometimes do fine with some people and sometimes have tremendous problems with others. This is probably generally true of just about any communication thing you can name.

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