Ask HN: What's the geekiest joke you know?
So Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Can I get you a beer?" Descartes thinks it over for a minute, and finally, replies, "I think not," and poof -- disappears.
"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"
So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" wonders one of the lawyers. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. A few moments later, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
He gets to the firing range, grabs a magazine, puts the magazine in and lays down an impressive spray of bullets. The drill sergeant, suitably impressed grabs his binoculars, looks at the target, but sees no bullet holes.
Sensing the engineer's embarrassment, he barks at him that bullets aren't free, the US Government has gone to considerable expense to train him, feed him and supply bullets, but, take another magazine, breathe before firing, and hit that target.
The engineer breathes, fires a little more carefully and the drill sergeant seems happy. He grabs the binoculars, looks down at the target and can't believe his eyes. Not a single bullet hit the target.
The drill sergeant, notably irritated at this point starts yelling at the network engineer, telling him that his country is depending on him and he better hit the target this time, and hands him another magazine.
The network engineer taps the magazine on his helmet, blows some sand off, places it in the rifle, puts his finger over the end of the rifle, pulls the trigger and shoots the tip of his finger off. He tells the sergeant, the bullet is leaving the rifle just fine, the problem must be on the other end.
"Go forth and multiply."
The snakes just sit there, staring at Noah.
"I said go forth and multiply! What's wrong?"
"We can't. We're adders!"
PART II
Noah storms down the gangplank with an axe. He finds a large tree, chops it down, and builds a table. He goes back to the Ark, grabs the snakes, and places them on the table.
"Now, go forth and multiply!"
"We can't! We told you, we're adders!"
"With a log table, even adders can multiply!"
(Thanks to C.L. Liu at U.Illinois for that one.)
Wife is glaring at him.
"Honey, I have to tell you the truth" he says. "You remember Judy from accounting? We ended up talking, getting close, one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her. I'm so sorry".
Wife glares at him some more.
"I don't believe you for a second, you lying son of a bitch. You stayed late programming again, didn't you?"
C isn't that hard: void ((f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void
It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
and my fav
I'm sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)
U didnt mention they had to be funny :)
Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.
What's purple and commutes and is worshipped by a limited number of people? A finitely-venerated abelian grape.
What's purple and had all of its children committed to mental hospitals? A simple grape (it has no proper, normal subgrapes).
What's the par value of a zero-coupon bond with no maturity? Pee Dollars!
This joke didn't do very well in the last joke thread, so I'll explain it in this one. Typically, the par value of a bond is represented by the letter P. Maturity is when the bond pays out. A person with no maturity would hear "p" and think "pee", so the joke is a pun on both P and maturity. But wait, there's more! A zero coupon bond without expiration is worthless -- just like pee dollars.
A parroty error.
Pieces of nine, on the other hand...
(
And yes, every single time someone has had to post a closing parenthesis. (:
Ludwig Boltzmann, who spent much of his life studying statistical mechanics, died in 1906, by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn to study statistical mechanics.
1. the engineer comes in, writes a few lines of equations, does some calculations, and writes down the answer.
2. the physicist comes in, derives some formulas, writes some equations, writes some more equations, does some calculations and finally writes down the answer.
3. the mathematician comes in, lists some axioms, proves some theorems from the axioms, writes equations across the entire whiteboard, gets another whiteboard, fills it up with equations also, writes some final calculations and finally says, "it can be solved."
It is actually a pretty old joke, there are a few variations on it (one for Computer Scientists, one for Mathematicians, etc...):
The extrovert programmer looks at YOUR shoes while he's talking to you.
what kind of ears do trains have? -- engineers.
Khan extensions.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.) 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)
Your mother is a convenient proof that the universe is still expanding exponentially
Your mother is so fat that the coefficient of friction between her and her surroundings is greater than static, rolling, or kinetic friction.
The integral of your mom is fat plus a constant, where the constant is equal to more fat.