> Maybe I'm just weak, for not being willing to throw it all away and go live in a barrel up in the mountains.

It's unclear to me if this is a weakness or a strength. I don't know which way is up.

Are you a stronger person if you're willing to say fuck it and go do your own thing and not be concerned with things like health care and financial stability?

Or are you a stronger person by steadfastly holding your station at work, because you just barely have enough grit to tough it out?

I can't shake the feeling that making peace with this half-living state as a daily existence is either the greatest achievement or the biggest mistake. So I remain anxious about it and pretend I haven't committed either way, although my resume would show you that I've clearly opted for permanent half-living through continuous employment.

Maybe it's too much to think about and I should go back to fantasizing about a life worth living while another work day ticks by...