I Won’t Buy My Teenagers Smartphones

This is clearly written by an adult who forgot how most children behave.

If they're the only ones without a smartphone, they'll be single out. Especially with how prevalent online communication has become.

They might not be bullied (though they probably will be), but growing up as the outsider comes with is own can of worms.

They'll most likely survive it, but it'll have it's effect... But everything has consequences so I guess ymmv.

It's just kinda annoying to constantly read about these parents making tech into something harmful (which it obviously can be) and their own great strategy to counter this, which has at least as many dangers for their mental health as the alternative had.

I see the smart phone addiction problem as similar to the food addiction problem, you have to eat and if you want to have a good modern job you have to have a cell phone. Part of becoming an adult is learning about the temptations of life and how to manage them. Ultimately I think this is a disservice in the long term, by shielding their kids from technology they also shield them from the development of the self control muscle.

The great author/comedian John Hodgeman once said "it's their time to waste" in response to someone who wrote into his advice column about their teens seeming to waste their time as a teen. Unfortunately, goofing off and wasting time is a thing I think most people need to do for some segment of their lives until they become sick of it and decide to get in gear.

My friend recently got his sons a smartphone and he says their relationship has been irrevocably damaged because of it. Not because they are rude, etc. But when they used to talk, now it's complete silence and them looking at their phones, chatting with their friends or girlfriends. He hates the phones now because there is no socialization whatsoever with his kids. The power of the phone is that strong, and he had such a close relationship with his sons.

I would put this on par with being an anti-vaxxer. Not only are the kids not allowed smartphones but their internet access is apparently strictly monitored well into their teens. Good way to get your kids to hate you as soon as they move our.

The author is just longing for an era that’s gone. It’s funny she mentions hanging out under bridges, drinking, and dating while also probably never letting her kids get anywhere close to a situation where that is possible. And won’t let her kids make mistakes even regarding food, and complains about kids these days not wanting to drive. You would think this is some kind of satire making fun of boomers (even though the author is technically not one)

This is, in my opinion, a terrible parenting style. Smartphones are a part of life these days. You wouldn’t have your kids ride a horse drawn carriage wearing handmade blouses to school, and bemoan the fact they won’t play outside with a hoop and a stick, just because that’s the way it was when you grew up

"My boys are not like the kid I met in college who had grown up without TV and didn’t appreciate the cultural relevancy of Bo and Luke Duke or George Jefferson. My kids readily quote Ron Swanson and Dwight Shrute." -- I bet the "no TV" parents had a similar defense citing radio access....

Interesting. My parents similarly never got me or my siblings smartphones (in retrospect it may have been a financial thing, though). I was 18 before I bought my own (only a few year ago!) I've never met another person in this sort of situation. Most other people I knew had their parents eventually get them one early in HS.

There were definitely negative effects. I imagine mostly social and nowadays inconsequential to an extent. I'm still to this day rather isolated, both from my family and peers

On the flip side I had an incredible attention span and was able to learn anything I wanted with persistence. I'm simply not able to do that anymore.

That being said, I don't think I'd so the same for my kids.

>> I believe that a smartphone too accessible, given too early, and in the wrong hands is at best an addictive distraction and at worst a handheld siphon draining away children’s youth one beep, one swipe, one notification at a time.

I support a parent's right to choose for their kids, but this seems very naive, and not far off the "No good will come of you spending all that time on the computer, go outside and play" line my own mother used to spin, and the fears that having computers in the house would warp kids of the 80s.

In reality I had no deficit of outside time, or sports at school, she just took against tech early on. She just got a (dumb) mobile phone about two years ago and rarely uses it.

The real root of the fear here seems to be that your child might have a different upbringing to your own, one you don't understand.

I have no doubt the kids will be fine, if a little peeved at Mom for denying them common forms and channels of social interaction their peers indulge in.

>I think my boys feel the same way about smartphones that I felt about Guess jeans—the ones with zippers at the ankles—in 1984. All the cool, pretty girls had a pair. My desire for the jeans was more about fitting in with the crowd than about the jeans themselves.

The author is conflating 'fitting in' with communicating.

My initial reaction is to agree with this parent's policy because I don't really like smartphones. The problem is you just kind of need them even if you're not a big social media user.

As a grown up, I've considered giving up my own smart phone but friends use whatsapp/viber, traffic in the city is getting worse every year and an app like Waze becomes essential, depending on what you do, reading and replying to email while on the go can be pretty important. Similarly, growing up in a society where your peers connect pretty much exclusively via social media, you simply need it if you want to even remotely fit in (like others have pointed out). Not having a smart phone is not the end of the world (for me or the teenagers in question) but there will be daily negative consequences.

The problem is not the tech itself but the way it's being used. It's the whole reason I don't really like having a smart phone (while also enjoying many of its features). I want a utilitarian tool that gets done what I need done. If I use a socket wrench to remove a bolt, I expect the wrench to just do it. I don't want it telling me about some fancier wrench available or a better bolt to use in the future or anything else I didn't ask of it.

What I get instead is a platform where I can be targetted, sometimes obviously, sometimes invisibly, as a potential customer of some business. On top of all that, you know the device is easily damaged and doesn't last very long because of a quickly degrading battery. And good luck finding a good quality battery after 2 years or even easily replacing it. Screws are the biggest faux pas you can now commit as a manufacturer. You'd probably sell more units if some of them spontaneously combust than if they aren't all smooth and glossy.

Any attempt to make a human-centric smart phone (and underlying OS) is doomed to failure because of cost.

But hey, current smartphones is what people want so what do I know. Anyway. Did I mention I don't like smart phones?

In my opinion, it's better to teach your children moderation while they're young and can learn to spot temptation and learn how to moderate themselves.

A young adult that grows up without these trials may be ill prepared for all the things that tempt them when they gain their Independence.

I do wonder if the push to virtual interactions over physical ones is driven by the rise of afterschool care for kids in dual-income families. My kids are at home after school, but there are few other kids out playing. Most of the kids in our neighborhood aren't home in the afternoons, are there aren't groups of kids playing in the parks unsupervised. The parks are largely used by pre-school ages kids with nannies, or for family groups after dinner.

The smartphone allows kids to stay in contact with their friends even when they are otherwise occupied with sports, aftercare, etc. etc.

it's a shame we don't hear the kids side in the article

people I know who have done this have eventually changed and allowed/bought a phone as the in school peer pressure was huge and the kids ended up feeling excluded from their social groups as not fitting in (nothing wrong with kids finding their own path btw)

I think it's amazing that on a site that's supposedly filled with tech geeks, so few commenters seem to know the difference between spending time alone in your room in front a non-networked PC learning to code, and being glued to a networked smartphone no matter where you are, taking in a feed and waiting for the dopamine hit from a "like" or a share.

Anyway, the public-spirited side of me sees responses like the ones here and is depressed, but my secret inner libertarian sees them and thinks: "Score! My three kids will have attention spans and social skills, and will out-compete the smartphone-addicted children of these fools in every arena of adult life. So by all means, cripple your kids by handing them one of these pocket slot machines. Mwuahahaha"

I feel like this article conflates 'smart device' with 'phone' in a way that can often happend

My 8 year old has one of our old phones with WiFi only. It's still plenty addictive with with the thrill of games and TV. If you wait to talk about smart phone addiction until your kid gets cell service you're probably going to miss the boat.

As my kid gets older - well the author may sneer at your kid waiting a few minutes to get picked up from soccer practice but that minimizes the issue. When I was a kid it was a collect call from "I'm-at-the-library-pick-me-up-by-5". I think there's a lot to be said for giving a kid flexibility in their movements. That may mean a 'dumb' phone, which I would consider, but it doesn't mean no phones whatsoever.

I think the other counter-point I would make to the author is that the best time to start talking to your kids about smart phones may well be while they're still on premise, and still respect and trust you. I've ( somewhat reluctantly ) setup my kid with ( facebook ) kids messenger and a Roblox account. She only has access on my phone so her time is limited, and it's also led to a lot of good discussions about internet predator and pressure to pay for in-game upsells.

Most importantly ( IMO ) is talking about how easy it is for social interactions to lead to problems - getting bullied, being a bully, the blow to her self esteem if her friends seem to be chatting with each other and leaving her out. It's really hard to navigate, and it doesn't go away if she gets her first smartphone at 18. I don't know if I really can protect her from it but perhaps I can let her know that I understand, and she can talk to me

Far be it from me to tell anyone how to raise their children, but here's my opinion on this matter.

First, it's about trust. Trust starts when they're infants. They cry, you show up. They cry, you show up. They have to know that when they have a need, you provide for it. Trust is also about leading by example. Be the person you want your children to be. If you don't want them on Facebook, don't be on Facebook. If you don't want them to use a smartphone at the table, don't bring yours to the table. Will this, in reality, mean they'll not use Facebook or bring their phones to the table? Maybe, maybe not. You don't want robots. You want independent humans. You're a guide, an example, that's all. Be the best one you can be. But when they do bring their phone to the table, you will have, from birth, built up enough trust to be able to have a conversation about it with them. They'll talk to you because they trust you. When you have a concern that you think they're forming an addiction to their phone, they'll talk to you, because you've earned their trust.

My son is 8... there is no way in hell I'm going to let him have a smartphone. I mean, he poops in pants still and can't hold his pacifier in his mouth on his own. Why am I going to give him a $1,000 smartphone? His crib wasn't that expensive... 8 is too early to a kid to have a smartphone.

Traditionally, people didn't need to go out of their way to make so many outside friends as the extended family provided all the relationships and connections that you need for mental well being. Besides, with extended families, the community was much more strong, everyone knew everyone providing the connections outside of family many people crave now. With the collapse of the extended family system, now people are siloed, and have to go out of their way to make new connections. These real life connections might help you temporarily socialize but very few turn into meaningful long term ones, and the connections that you make on social media are facetious.

She just basically forced her 14 year old to come up with a way to buy a smartphone himself.

Just curious: Any parents in this thread? When did you give your kids smartphones?

We're at the point where we replace our phones every two years, and plan on letting our kids use the old ones. (Probably wifi-only, mostly to keep costs under control.)

> When did sitting at home isolated by closed doors and earbuds become a social life?

When it became a reliable way to express meaning and feeling with other people. One can quibble about exactly when it became ubiquitous and high-bandwidth enough for that purpose, but for many people it's clearly that way now. Pining for the days when kids hung out at bowling alleys or overpasses is just nostalgia congealing into snobbishness.

I have set same policy to my kids one on teenage 16 and she is perfectly happy with keys-calls only phone used rarely But having all high end features and enough freedom at home But yet almost no social networks exposure by choice

It is frustrating how this is driven by those first parents that have no limits. Kids complain that they don't want to be left out, normal, middle of the road parents cave in, thus forcing the hold out parents to eventually cave.

https://www.nokia.com/phones/en_int/nokia-2720-flip something like this seems like a happy medium

I wonder does a situation like this come up every 20 years?

Like before it was TV, then Radio, then... books maybe?

I guess the question is, is the internet worse or more addictive than these other distractions.

Smartphone addiction is like alcohol addiction. Why do some countries (the USA) have more problems than than others (the rest of the world)?

Because in most countries, a healthy, controlled exposure is what most teens experience, so that they learn how to handle alcohol responsibly.

In almost all of the USA, it's illegal to drink until you're 21.

Not teaching your children how to responsibly use a smartphone is the current problem.

Denying a child a smartphone, and then expecting them to magically be able to control such an addictive substance is arguably worse.

Be a better parent.

The ego on this person.

yes - resisting change is always a good idea.....sheesh

ok boomer

It would be interesting to know if the mother herself has and uses smartphone. If yes it seems like smartphones for me but not for thee, 14 year is too old to protect from harm of phone usage. It's not too different from fundamentalist parents banning their kids from having outsider friends/watching TV/dating. It seems that the mom is just flexing her power over the kids.

> They text, they Snap—but only on weekends and a little bit this past summer

All I can see, reading this, is how similar that sounds to being grounded for the new normal teen. Its complete social isolation, and I hope the backlash the author receives from this article gets considered instead of some snarky 'your anger means I'm right' response.

> He would eat an entire bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos—the party-size bag—if left alone with the opportunity

This is hardly an example of an inability to make good decisions. This just shows the inability of these parents to let their kids learn on their own, and is creating the dependent teens they're trying to prevent.