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Comment by stasusmt | Hacker News Reader

I think we need to care about our parent too. As they become old, we are just fly away from them and they will struggle in their stage as us. Damn life.

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So much this. Personally feel this is one of the most deplorable "widely accepted" social phenomenon in the west.

I have an immigrant family on my street (know them and they are from China) that is three generations...every morning as I drive to work I pass the grandparents walking the children to the bus stop for school. Every day I think "why don't our parents live with us"? I've asked them but they've said no. They have their own home and lives and like their independence. Maybe that's true, but I wonder if they're actually lonely and don't want to impose. At the end of the day I just have to think this is a mutually non-beneficial setup for all involved (the US style of moving out "never to return" at 18).

I don't pretend to know why or say how to "fix" it but I believe we in the U.S. (and assuming at least some of the "west") took a wrong path somewhere when it comes to this.

Also constantly see in the media examples of college grads living and working from home, always in a "negative" economic-driven context. Maybe this is a trend that is changing (again in my opinion for the better).

I didn't even bring up nursing homes.

Edit: Constant ""'s are because I'm trying to be aware of over-generalize here...mainly speaking for "mainstream U.S. culture" which is always problematically reductive

It's a devil's bargain either way. If you can't move away from your parents, your career prospects & upward mobility can be severely hampered. If your parents move to follow you, they can cut short their own successful careers and sever deep social ties they have spent a lifetime building.

Most of this country was settled & built by people who left home to find their fortune.

My mother moved to a far-away, small town late in her career to improve her retirement finances. (It worked). Then one of my brothers moved to a new town for access to recreation opportunities. Surprisingly they have been living a short drive apart since then. But neither of them live near the friends they made in $BIGCITY where they were born, raised, and lived for a long time.

I agree with the idea of being able to start your career somewhere other than where your parents live. In the future maybe something will change about vocations/careers that will make location less relevant and this might help our family lives.

Living with family is fantastic and should be strongly encouraged.

The WaitButWhy post a few years back is incredibly compelling in helping one understand how little time with your parents you may have. For example, if you see them 10 days a year, and they're 70, you might have (10/days * 15 years).... 150 total days with your parents. Link: https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html

Add on: https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/life-weeks.html

I moved away from home to study, then even farther for work. I usually see my family once every one or two years since I left during our summer gatherings. Couple of years ago I realised I will see them maybe 20 maybe 30 times if I am lucky, hopefully more.

This has been the hardest realisation of my life and I try really hard to be there for the 1-2 weeks I can see them and try to make the time we spent count.

I think those who like their parents do already. I think those who don't like their parents don't need to. It's the parents' job to be a person worth loving and caring for. It isn't the child's burden.

Exactly this. I have divorced parents who each remarried.

I have a mother who makes so much effort to make sure she stays in our lives. Calling/Facetiming every week at minimum. And she has visited at least once or twice a year the past five years. And we visit at least once a year if possible.

By contrast, I have a father who has literally done nothing to try to visit us in five years. It was always us making the effort, taking time and money away from ourselves, for them. And we got very little in return. We have been given very little respect by them despite showering them with undeserved respect. Every time we visit, it's like they're acting out their own Seinfeld episode -- literally worth nothing except waiting for the next opportune moment to be sarcastic "gotcha" asshats.

Some people would say, one shouldn't look for a return, that it should be all about giving. Those people must never have been burned in their lives. For me, reciprocation is the bedrock of a relationship. Any relationship. It doesn't have to always be equitable, but time and effort must be shown. Otherwise, I'm out.

Thank you.

I don't spend time with my parents because they are toxic assholes who are extremely mean to me and abused me growing up. I don't need shit that in my life.

Yet society thinks I'm the asshole for not wanting to subject myself to that?

I just read this the other day about caring for elderly abusive parents and found it refreshing:

https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/02/abusive-parents-wha...

As I age and realize more and more we're all just making this stuff up I really come to appreciate what my parents have gone though and are probably currently going through. Knowing they are struggling the same as I am, they just has a head start, has made me realize that the relationship moves both ways and that we are in fact there for each other as we move through life.

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