But it's a pretty straightforward rule once you know it right?
This is simply a matter of reading the docs (or making the mistake until you learn). Not an inherently more complex characteristic than, say, Class component lifecycle methods, which also required understanding their rules and reading the docs.
Once you know refs updates won't re-render, you won't make this mistake.
I don't understand why "a thing you need to learn then you're good" is somehow inherently more complicated than ... other apis that you need to also learn.
> but most people think of refs as...
This sounds like Dan Abramov's comment that some of the struggles with hooks is from people who have experience with react without hooks, vs people coming new to the whole thing. So maybe it's about relaxing pre-conceived notions until experience takes over.