The good news is you have considerable brain circuitry freed up to apply to things that interest you -- like assembly programming and learning Japanese. Suitably trained, this circuitry can be quite powerful. And you can even spot patterns in people's social behavior that others may miss. Because allistics are hardwired for sociality, their consciousness itself is shaped by social cues to a much greater extent. Increased resistance to the effects of things like advertising is damn near a superpower in its own right in today's world.
That said, being Japanese would be extraordinarily difficult for the likes of you. If you thought Western society was tough, wait till you try participating in a society where social harmony and group consensus are the bedrock of the entire friggin' nation. I do not envy Japanese people on the spectrum even a wee tiny bit.
I let myself to generalize a bit and say that most of the people on the spectrum feels well in more or less rigid, closed set of social rules. The more logical the better. In reality, a lot of awkwardness comes from the fact that daily human to human behavioral protocol is very open. Anything may happen and it feels overwhelming just to think about all the possibilities a conversation may leads to.
Japanese society is normalized to the point that the citizens may feel upset just by the fact that they are in certain situation and there is no how-to around. People are following social rules everywhere. Japanese society is strictly formalized and everyone is expected to behave properly in given situation. You go to restaurant and you don't have to wonder how much should you tip to the waiter. You don't tip. Simple as that - that's the rule. They've made a lot practical improvements to make the daily struggle as easy as possible. They are always avoiding conflict. When someone step on someone's shoe in metro they say "sorry" (both of them!) and go on. There is no ambiguity in your daily life.
More of it. Being socially awkward is perfectly acceptable or at least tolerated. I am talking about bigger cities, of course. You can walk the streets of Shibuya in a diving suit and no one would say a word. You can refrain from talking to people, too.
They are, almost naively, honest and even Tokyo - 38M people, 13M in the city - is so safe, that you can leave your bag to reserve a table in the crowded fast food and go to the counter to make an order. No one will take it. No one will abuse you and you don't have a reason to feel vulnerable.
If there's a rule, so it is. People are obeying the law and keeping to the rules. This is extremely safe environment for people on the spectrum.
One thing that is usually omitted in any analysis is the weather. Seems non important. But if we consider that ASD is commonly accompanied by depression and/or anxiety I'm willing to weight a weather as a factor. The thing is that winter is almost non existent in Tokyo and to the south. But, what is more important, there is sunny all year long. All year long you have something in the air that will brighten up your day. Just imagine that - plum trees are blooming in February. November and full sun so you can wear t-shirt and hoodie? Go ahead, at least in Tokyo. Much easier to keep in good shape then, say, in London when most days are gloomy.
Of course no country's perfect. What I've said above is the norm, but there are always some exceptions. Big cities are loud and bright. Sensory issues may be problematic. Some rules are less logical that it seems. Japanese language is not direct and sometimes people are expected to notice when should they react.
I do agree that Japan is not country for everyone but as long as ASD goes I'd rather say it is better suited for people on the spectrum that we may suspect. Especially for foreigners as we are naturally allowed to make mistakes.
This makes ordinary life a considerable struggle for socially deficient people. The much greater difficulty finding your social bearings in Japanese society and successfully putting on an appropriate performance may itself explain why otaku and hikikomori are such a huge phenomenon in Japan. In fact the 80s, when fans met at cons and such, they would always address each other in the most formal terms possible -- with the polite pronoun "otaku" -- to avoid offense, because it was difficult to see where the dividing lines were to stop being so formal. But this behavior was still considered weird and idiosyncratic enough among mainstream Japanese to give them the distinct name of "otaku".
Japan is lovely, but being Japanese is hard.
Which is where the Japanese concept of honne and tatemae come from:
It's definitely possible for people with Aspergers to learn how to read and deal with verbal and nonverbal clues as well (or nearly as well) as folks without it. I know that it's possible because I've done so myself, so I figure, it's probably possible for at least a few others.
It's not a quick process. I spent a year working with a speech therapist to identify body language and voice inflection (a heavy focus on the difference between open and closed body language). I'd say I was pretty proficient about 2 years later or so. Once you can identify and particularly look for the body language, I find it's not too hard to figure out what people are thinking. You have a bit of trial and error of course but it hasn't been bad.
I think part of the trick is that 'focusing on social cues' has to become part of one's savantry. Most people who have Aspergers have at least one subject they are very interested in, a focus of sorts. If some of that interested focus is shifted into finding out how to best act when around people (that is, it becomes an interest), it's usually just a matter of helping them recognize the initial patterns, and they can take it from there.
Just my two cents though. I'm glad I'm able to socialize... it helped me graduate college, go on a two year religious mission where we talked to people every day, and now, getting married and prepped to have a family. It hasn't been easy, but it's been very wonderful, and I feel kinda lucky.
Anyways, to each their own, and best of luck in your life travels.
Growing up, I just could not figure out how people "worked". My parents thought I was lonely all the time; however, my inner world was (and still is), so rich that it's difficult to express to people. Thus, I made it a conscious effort to study people as I would any of my other subjects. Now, unless I tell people -- they would have no idea. Everything I do in social interactions, in order to fit in, is a learned behavior that I didn't pick up until my university years.
I'm in my 30s now and still learning. We joke about it, but my girlfriend regularly tells me that I have "no emotions." Truth is, I just react differently than what's expected. Even this very day, she asked me a question about love, and I sat there and thought for a few seconds and tried to give her a logical answer. Of course, I was playfully scolded for not answering right away, but this is par the course for how I see the world.
It's difficult to know when people just want a canned response, or when they want an actual answer.
Frankly I've been a lot happier since I stopped being quite so unobtrusive and easy to get along with.
Similar to others commenting here I think i have learned social skills and human behavior in the same way i have learned programming etc. and as a result i can articulate and logically process peoples behaviors better than many (most?) people.
I score high in empathy / feeling metrics in tests at work and I am one of the first people that people come to with personal problems relating to dealing with people (all kinds of problems really), but from my perspective its all through careful analysis of whats going on around me since a very early age, nothing intuitive about it. Mostly it involves very carefully thinking things though from the starting point of : whatever that person is doing must appear logical to them. (and i really really mean MUST - I have never met an illogical person)
In any case.. the reason I mostly don't get annoyed is because: If you are feeling this way then that means you have more awareness of what is going on than the other person, and if you are in a position of considering how to act (not just reacting) then that means you are in a position of strength with the power to improve the situation. So then it becomes like when i am helping someone move furniture or whatever and i happen to be twice their size.. i may end up expending more energy, putting in more effort, but i really would not have it any other way.
Examples: Is this a powerplay? Ok, this is new. But I've read about how to respond.
Is this affection? If so, why and what's the appropriate expected response?
Is this banter? Ok, I have been in this scenario before. I know what to say to keep the laughs going.
But I will not paint it as all a learning experience. I am an intensely visual thinker, so sometimes I just can't find the words I wish to say, and I end up simply silent -- due to being lost in thought. Those situations can be a bit frustrating. I see what I want to say, but I can't find the words or energy to say it.
Edit: An interesting result of this is that people often confide in me quite readily. I assume it's because I've become so adept at listening in order to understand what a person is really trying to say.
When I was younger, I was mostly frustrated, with resentment on rare occasions. An interaction I had:
Me: writing a script to write a daily schedule of tasks for my job Boss: "You have better things to be doing." Me (confused): "Like what?" Boss (presumably annoyed): "The documentation needs to be updated." Me: Updates hundreds of pages of documentation Me: goes back to writing script Boss (from behind me): "I thought I told you not to work on that script." Me: ???
I was very confused, because, no, he hadn't told me that; and I was a little annoyed when I found out that was what he wanted. I thought, "Why didn't he just say that?"
I found out later he thought it was a security risk for me to be writing the script[0] and he was generally incompetent (considered that way by both his peers and his subordinates). But looking back, I think combined with his body language, tone, and other social cues, he was telling me not to work on the script; I just didn't get it.
[0] - You got me. I had root access to literally everything and was the one running and managing the backups for the entire org. If I wanted to be nefarious you wouldn't catch me writing a script on a work PC under my non-superuser login.
You might be improperly socialized or have Aspergers, or you might be a sociopath (I don't mean this in a derogatory way, some people are just not capable of emotion, often due to past trauma), or you might have anxiety, or it might be ADHD.
My advice would be to try more drugs to try and get a better perspective of why you feel the things that you feel. If it's ADHD, Ritalin or Adderall will cause a positive change. If it's anxiety, Xanax/Klonopin/Ativan/Valium might help. If it's an empathy thing, there aren't many legal pharmaceuticals for that, but you could try weed or MDMA or a traditional psychedelic. IMO the relatively low risk of trying a few chemicals a few times is well worth the gain in perspective, so you have a better sense of what you're trying to change and what levers can be pulled.
I haven't found a way to break through that and have lost relationships over it. But you probably are smart enough to socialize just fine – I think the harder thing to crack is how far that can extend into your closer relationships.
/Just like everyone else.
Seriously, some of the less intrusive locations on the spectrum just strike me as being particularly vocal about logical inconsistencies to one's own detriment.
You think? It seems to me that there are a lot of people (more than the other way around) who go out of their way to seek out social interactions: they go out and have lunch with somebody else just to talk to them, or they chat with a coworker by the coffee machine instead of getting back to their desk as fast as they can, or they strike up a conversation with the barista at Starbucks instead of just trying to say their order without screwing it up… these don’t seem like people who are just faking it to the best of their ability. Or maybe they’re just practicing more studiously than I am?
But to the point: What's the socialite's internal monologue while being all chatty? What's the overlap between what they think is happening (e.g. what the script is, what the norms are) and what third parties would see?
I see social people who obviously feel connected to the group, but how much of that is just eating up their own internal version of what they see happening while ignoring the smell of any mentally suppressed interactions?