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Comment by shubb | Hacker News Reader

I don't know how far it generalises, but a lot of my early 30s female friends complain about how hard it is to find a long term relationship.

Dates are easy to get, but explicitly looking for a long term thing puts off a lot of guys because it's just not the expectation. There is pressure to hold off on deep conversations or say you're just looking for fun when that really isn't the case.

'sometimes I just tell the guy on the first date that I'm looking for someone to settle down with. I've never gotten a second after that'

Getting ghosted by mr right for the twentieth time and wondering what is wrong with you seems as self esteem destroying as not being able to get a date at all.

I guess tinder just wrecked dating.

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Funny thing: I've also heard the opposite complaint from a lot of people!

But it's true, most people really go to Tinder expecting only dating and one night stands.

However, when you're upfront and tell guys you want to settle down you're filtering them, so I guess it's working as intended?

Maybe putting that info in your profile would make it harder to get matches, but at least you'll won't have bad surprises.

EDIT: Another choice is to just keep quiet during dates and probe the guys subtly. Works for some people.

Yeah, people who are completely direct about what they want in both their profile and communications tend to have a much better time on apps. I try to put things in my profile that will be charming to people I might like and alienating to people I wouldn’t, and it works very well. You have to have some standards and filter out obvious bad matches quickly. Since you’re not dating in your social circles, you don’t have the advantage of a pre-vetted dating pool, so you have to just recognize that most of the people you see won’t be a good match at all.

I'm too old and privacy conscious to partake in such activities as Tinder, so I do it the old-fashioned way. Volunteering at the local library and hanging out on my local river trail has been been the best way for me to meet potential partners. Bars were quite effective until my mid-30s, but things change as people age.

Also, I bet the West Slope of Colorado is different, dynamically, than NYC. I live in a town, not a metropolics, so that has to make a difference.

Well yes. The best time for women to find a long term relationship is middle 20s. They're done with education and can look for a partner. Unfortunately many women spend these years on frivolous casual dating. They often wake up in their early 30s looking for someone to settle down with. But there's a problem - why would a man go for a 30s woman, if he can still date 25 year old women instead?

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