22% of Millennials say they have no friends | Hacker News Reader

22% of Millennials say they have no friends

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37 pointsmm20201815 comments

I work from home full time. And I’m single; and I live alone.

I often go through the whole workweek without saying more than a couple words to another person in real life.

I wonder what this does to me over time. It probably isn’t good.

It’s funny, too, I actually tend not to mind stretches of alone time. I get used to it. It’s when I oscillate between a day of being alone, and then a night out, then a day alone again, a night out, etc., that I feel the loneliness during the day. Mondays tend to suck for the same reason, since now I’m suddenly alone again after spending the weekend with people in the real world. I usually start to feel OK again by Tuesday.

I admit to in the past wanting to say no to offers to hang out just because I know I’ll miss the human contact after.

This probably all sounds crazy but (shrug emoticon was here, I guess HN doesn’t like emoticons :( )

This is me except I'm married. That's just how my wife and I are. I lived like this single too. For me, people are draining and a lot of work. I usually don't think about others, I'm wrapped up in my own life. I don't like social situations, I'm always waiting to get back home, so I just stay home. To me, it's not a problem because that's what I prefer.

Same here, though I really really enjoy living + working alone (5+ years now).

Tip: get a dog. Having a dog forces me to leave the house at least twice a day to go on walks, plus it's a great conversation starter with people around the neighborhood. Dogs are social animals and it's amazing how the simple act of loving and receiving love in return can improve emotional well-being.

Or get a spouse and some kids.

Minor adjustment:

Dogs are wonderful companions. But they do come with needs and stress of their own. They are no replacement for therapy, mental health, or social engagement. Get a dog because you want to care for and love a dog. Animals aren't remedies.

One of my first posts on HN was asking how people, especially ones working remote or in small offices, manage to deal with loneliness. I was overwhelmed by the number of replies, and saddened that it seems to be a really common issue.

Part of the article says "Still, the findings on millennial are surprising." which... I think at this point you have to deliberately go out of your way to avoid articles on loneliness (in the millennial age group). They're a pretty hot topic right now, especially with the realization of the physical health impacts chronic loneliness has.

I still struggle with feeling lonely on a daily basis. It's really hard. But, one thing that seems to help, at least sometimes: Strike up a conversation with a stranger. Sometimes it goes sour, but the majority of the time I find that the stranger I strike up a conversation with is just as eager to have a conversation. Considering loneliness is pretty common, you'll likely be striking up a conversation with someone who is lonely as well.

>the majority of the time I find that the stranger I strike up a conversation with is just as eager to have a conversation

I've attempted this a lot, as means to cope with spending enormous amounts of time in transient spaces such as airports, hotels, etc. (~300+ days/yr "on the road"). I've observed that age seems to be a huge factor in whether or not this actually works.

As a millennial, I don't seem to have a lot of success with this when it comes to striking up conversations with other millennials -- my success rate starting and keeping a conversation going here is probably in the 10-20% range, and most of the time, the conversation ends within a minute or two because the other party just doesn't seem that interested in a conversation, even in cases where there are some clear shared interests or connections.

My success rate with gen X-ers is better, probably in the 30-40% range. Boomers are by far the most receptive, with probably a 50-60% success rate at keeping a conversation going for a while.

Frankly, I'm often interested in a conversation but just have trouble keeping the conversation from heading into terminal states. Perhaps thats just because the other party isn't interested.

Taking improv class, I got to meet a lot of people who - besides the acting part of improv - were basically interested in striking up conversation. I was a bit out of my comfort zone, but it was a good learning experience and it gave me a few skills to work with: now I go into conversations, and even small interactions, not just thinking about the business topic or whatever is on my mind, but about effortfully constructing an appropriate scene and being a character in that scene, in that momement. And that gives me more room to play with and to spot common "tactical conversation" methods.

Regardless, I'm still basically a quiet person and keep to myself in public - it's a thing I have to "turn on".

For me my friends were definitely a detriment. I was failing to finish university and so I stopped hanging out with them altogether one day. I deleted all my phone contacts, social media, changed phone numbers, basically became a ghost.

Sometimes I feel like I could have worked on managing my social life rather than eliminating it altogether, but this has worked out so far. I don't imagine I will have trouble making new friends when I finish school and begin working.

I do feel lonely, but I try to fill free time with working out, hobbies or hanging out with family. Leaving the house is definitely the most important thing for avoiding depression from loneliness in my opinion. I never felt worse than spending days on end without getting sunlight.

I bet it's mostly men too. We have to focus and get some kind of value through work of somekind if we are to have a chance of other's approval. A single man in his 40's with no wife or kids and no job is probably the lowest tier in society, and trying to avoid it is not an easy task.

I bet not.

Social Media? Home video games?

Back in my day sonny, we had to actually go physically locate our friends (no cell phones), and ask "hey, you want to go spend some quarters at the video arcade and then get some nachos? Who's going to drive? Want to go ask XXX and YYY to see if they want to come along?"

I have had points in my life where I have had no friends; it really sucks. These periods would always compound my anxiety issues, my insecurities. Luckily, I am no longer isolated, and I feel so much better. I honestly believe that there needs to be systemic changes in society to solve this problem. For all my disaste for religions and other questionable institutions, they do provide a meaningful community that is a part of your daily life. You see the same people every week doing the same thing; it gives you that ritual we all need. I wish there was a community like this for us areligious folks.

For me, friends happened naturally for the first 15 years of my life. When I lost all mine as I became an adult, I didn't know how to gain new ones.

Most of my old friends I met through other friends. But if I have no friends, that can't happen. It's a catch-22 of sorts. It's so much harder to meet people when you're not getting invited to social events!

I considered going to bars, but had no interest in that. I considered changing jobs, but had no interest in that either.

Ultimately, the best solution I found was meetup.com. I joined a bunch of random clubs on the site and met a bunch of quirky people. After a few weeks, I realized I wasn't lonely anymore. It wasn't even about friendship in the end. It was just about spending more face-time.

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