I sincerely hope you never end up in a divorce situation but during mine (under California law) I had to give up 50% of my equity and options rights in the startups I've been involved in that occurred during the marriage because they were 'community property' (ie owned by the couple).
I'm not a lawyer, but if you have your own startup and your wife isn't a shareholder and you divorce she is entitled to 50% of anything you vested during that time. It works both ways if she is also involved in startups (ie you would get 50% of hers) and to that end you could agree to trade/cancel things out. I was able to buy my ex-wife out because I didn't want her to remain involved in the company but it was very costly. There's a longer and more gory story in here but this isn't really the place to get into it plus confidentially issues come into play.
When you get married, you don't really want to think about divorce. In the same way when you form the company documents for your startup, you don't really think about an IPO or an exit - yet in both cases at that end point some of the decisions you made at the start will come into play and so it's important to get things in order now.
EDIT: Another tid-bit of info - if you exercise options or sell the company your spouse has to sign-off agreement on the documents. Again, if you end up estranged from your wife that can cause all kinds of delays and issues.
If you don't trust someone enough, don't get married. Period. End of story.
Your point is valid at the personal level but that doesn't negate the fact there is a legal binding contractual agreement occurring here too. Most contracts have exit clauses and there is no reason why marriage shouldn't - especially if you are entrepreneurial and the stakes can be high upon the termination of that agreement.
I do wonder, though, what you mean by "If you don't trust someone enough, don't get married. Period. End of story.", specially trust? Trust them to do what - not divorce you or not to fleece you in the event of a divorce?
If it is the former, nothing is certain and marriages can fail completely through the consequences of the other half. If the latter, well why would you hold a contract that says the other party has termination rights of x, y and z but trust them not to exercise those rights?.
"If you don't trust someone enough, don't get married. Period. End of story."
With divorce at 45% of all marriages, clearly there are a lot of people who trust one another who perhaps should not. Your rule may have a kind of wisdom to it, but, in the first place, people ignore it and, in the second place, lots of people start off trusting each other and then, 5 years later, hate each other. A relationship is a learning experience, and it might be wise to start one with some buffer against the negative things you might learn.
Also, your rule can be turned on its head: if 2 people really trust each other, then they should have no problem agreeing on how to end their relationship, should unforeseen circumstances arise in the future that necessitate that ending.
Marriages nowadays always start with good intentions, love and trust. Why would they marry in the first place, otherwise?
Sometimes though things turn bitter. A lot. That's why divorce exists. Would you like then to spend all the rest of your life to share all your income with someone that maybe you end hating? Especially when after divorce you find someone who finally is the right one and you want to build a family?
That's why pre-nups exist. They are not lack of trust in the first place. They are a way to be safe just in case something will happen, despite totally hoping for the contrary. It's looking at marriage pragmatically, since all the other decisions were probably already made on an emotional basis.
There's an idea in Aikido I like, which is that one should always consider the end of the relationship just as much as the beginning. The example I learned is rather bloody [1], but it also applies to telephone conversations, outings with friends, starting a company, and I imagine, a marriage.
Given that all things in life are transient, you should think of their path over time instead of as static elements. A marriage may only be a good experience for 40 years; it may be a good fit to end it after that time.
[1] When making a knife thrust to the chest, one arcs the blade inside the body. This prevents suction from trapping the knife.
It's like HELLO...just don't crash your car!
If you think your car might crash, you shouldn't drive it!
Seriously though...there is a small kernel of truth in what you are saying: quite often people jump into marriage sooner than they should.
A prenup has NOTHING to do with this though, it's just basic common sense.
Nobody knows what the future will bring, and I would say you've got it completely backwards.
If the person you're with doesn't trust/love/etc you enough to sign a (reasonable) prenup, it's because they're worried you might have to use it.....and then you should reconsider.
This is bad advice. It's similar to saying: if you need to have a contract with your business partners, why get into business together in the first place?
It's not even about trust with me. I just don't want my future spouse getting half of everything I've worked for..before I met them. Simple as that.
A buddy of mine had no pre-nup. He worked for 25 years for the US postal service. After 10 years of marriage, he caught his wife cheating on him (and she wanted a divorce). The result? She gets half of his retirement and the house.
A better pre-nup is to give your spouse a time at which they will get a portion of your stuff. So at around 50 years of marriage, they get half. If they reject it, you can say: "so you don't think we will be married that long"?
In some states, it's even worse. In New York, you might have to pay not based on how much money you are making, but how much you will potentially earn.
If the US courts weren't so biased against men, I wouldn't even consider getting a pre-nup.
A Native American couple was to get married, and the medicine man came to them and said, "There are three of you here: the groom, the bride and death. The relationship you have right now will die. But from its ashes can spring a new relationship. That new relationship will be different, less exciting in some ways, maybe, but deeper and stronger. And that new relationship will die, but from its ashes a new one can spring again. This will go on and on for your lifetime together."
Expect that your relationship will change and be prepared to change with it. Expect to forgive the past and expect to discover the future.
About balancing work and a new venture, my only advice is to always make clear to her/him that s/he is the first priority. You may have to spend more time with the venture, but it is always number two. And be prepared to continually show, over and over, what you feel is obvious: how much you love them and how important they are to you. Never assume they know.
P.S. Congratulations and my warmest wishes for your future together!
We knew from the start that we did not ever want to go through a divorce, and that we wanted our marriage to be for keeps. So, we worked backwards from that and thought about what it would take to make that happen.
So, I suggested that we go to marriage counseling right after we got married. And, within 6 months of getting married, we did marriage counseling for 1.5 years. It really helped a lot.
We've also taken communication classes together and we've made a point to go back in to counseling to talk through problems with a third party present before things get too bad.
It takes a lot of time and effort, but marriage is one of those investments where the returns always out weight the investment in it.
BTW, my wife is also my co founder.
Best mistake I ever made.
As far as advice goes, make her feel included in your adventures and when she tells you about her day at least try to listen.
The main thing that changes when you get married is that you can no longer crash at other people's houses. Even at 4am she'll expect you to go home.
Advice? Don't!!! (Just a little vestibule humor.)
Real advice...
Don't ever treat your partner worse than you would treat a stranger. Another way of saying don't take them for granted.
Ensure your partner becomes or remains your best friend.
You will both change over the years. Do it together or you will inevitably do it separately.
Be a little unpredictable about doing nice things for your partner. Shockingly effective.
None of this is relevant for tonight. Enjoy!
(and right now we are hanging out on our computers together)
- Do as much as possible together. Try to play games on the same team. Eat meals together. Talk together. Get ready in the mornings together. Watch movies together. Do as much as you possibly can - together. If you think about the way we use the word 'marry' in other concepts (i.e. the perfect marriage of X and Y), it talks about a blending of two things that becomes a new, third thing. So, marriage isn't just two people living in the same place. It's two people becoming something new together. One of the best examples I've seen of this idea is the second chapter of the book A Severe Mercy. The togetherness the author writes about is ridiculously complete.
- The wedding, as much work as it takes to put together, is just the starting line. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you've won your wife and can move onto another project. It's an incredibly easy mistake to make, and a terribly dangerous one. Marriage, especially because of my first point, is hard work. It's breath-taking and awe-inspiring, but it's also hard work. I Love it!
Congratulations!
1. Time: Make time for each other. Schedule it as if it's a big important meeting with an investor if need be. Even better is to have a routine that naturally makes time for you two to be together. Whatever it takes.
2. Talking: Always talk about everything that might be going wrong or right. This is especially true in the early days as you figure what this marriage thing is all about. No relationship I know of broke down because the couple communicated too much.
3. Adapt: What you have now is not what you're going to have in a year's time and certainly not you'll have in 2 years. Your startup might succeed or it might fail. You will have unforseen family obligations come up at the most inopportune time. One of you might lose their job or get ill long term. In short: life will throw you curve balls and you two must deal with them and adapt.
This usually where people insert some cliche analogy, but I'll spare you :) Congrats and good luck!
Down vote if you want. I have yet to see a marriage of two people I know not end in divorce or where one or both are trapped in a loveless marriage.
And listen to her, at least twice as much as you speak. You know... the whole two ears - one mouth cliché? :)
Is she your best friend? If she isn't, get to a place in your relationship where she is.
Include her in your plans, your thoughts, your dreams.
Also, being a tech geek, you likely have the "problem solving" mentality. Understand that some days, she will be emotional, and perhaps even irrational... this is not the time to "fix" her. Just listen.
Women are responders. Typically, if you take good care of her, there's nothing she wouldn't do for you.
It is simple, but not at all easy. Be prepared for HARD WORK. :)
Biggest thing I've learned is to set aside enough time to do things just the two of you with the computer off and the cell phone silenced.
Make sure your love knows they are first priority in your life. When you are stressed communicate why you are stressed, don't just try to extinguish it. Ask for help when you need it, you aren't alone anymore :).
And get a clear financials plan. Stressing about money plus the day to day stress of building a startup can really damage relationships.
If either of you maintain "It has to be my way" or "It has to be this way" thoughts, things might get rocky...
As for tonight, just relax, enjoy and make her feel wanted and loved.
...unless she's a geek, presumably?
I mean, there certainly exist men who would love to have a geek toy/gadget as a gift, so why shouldn't at least some women want that as well?
Your spouse knows what you’re doing and supports you, so make a little time daily to recognize that commitment to you, with a commitment to them.
From previous threads things I've seen and put into action that really work:
- Have a sit-down dinner together every night.
- Spend at least half-of-one weekend day out of the house together.
- Spend at least 15 mins of uninterrupted time talking and focused on each other in the morning, and before bed.
More good threads on this topic:
http://steveblank.com/2009/06/18/epitaph-for-an-entrepreneur...
http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1620335
http://searchyc.com/submissions/marriage
Lastly, SUCCEED!
The dividends of success provide financial stability which is a cornerstone for a happy marriage.
The wife is always right !!
No, she isn't always right. Nobody is always right. Women just think they can yank men's strings with the threat of A. witholding sex, and/or B. divorce (marriage / divorce laws heavily favor women, at least in the US.)
Before I'd even consider getting married, I'd have to know that my wife to be understands that we're equals in the relationship... I'm not kowtowing to her, and I wouldn't expect her to kowtow to me. But no way would I ever voluntarily enter into such a lopsided relationship as the typical American marriage, where the wife has her husband "by the balls."
If nothing else, it's a good argument for keeping one's pickup skills sharp, just so the wife knows that "withholding sex" isn't much of a threat. And a good argument for a well-written pre-nup.
It means don't argue about unimportant things. If your spouse wants something that you don't have a strong opinion about then roll with it. Don't sweat the small stuff.
If you're keeping your pickup skills sharp, you haven't really gotten married, you just did some mock ceremony and happen to be living together.
Maybe to you... I know more than a few of my guy friends who literally let their wives control them "by the balls" so to speak, and don't have that healthy balance.
But anyway, yeah, what you just said, I'm down with that, when you put it that way.
If you're keeping your pickup skills sharp, you haven't really gotten married, you just did some mock ceremony and happen to be living together.
I have to admit, my views on the nature of sex, romance, dating, marriage are NOT inline with the majority of society; so it comes as no surprise that you would say that. I really think the whole idea of life-long monogamous relationships is basically a farce... I'm basically polyamorous, but can see the merits of interludes of monogamy....serial monogamy if you will.
I don't know if I have been sucessful or not yet. I have only been married 28 years. My wife's parents made it over 50 years.
Congratulations! I hope this is happily ever after.
PS: If at all possible, call when you are going to be late. That will go a long way towards letting your spouse know that you do really care about them even when the business is making demands on your time. It took my ex too many years to get the hang of that one.