I'm not really antisocial. In fact, I can become overtalkative at times when in a social setting. But, given the option, I never seem to want to 'get out' and socialize. Though, when I force myself to, I am in such a better mood for a few days. Then, back to normal, and avoiding social gatherings again until the next time.
At some point you may have intuitively associated meeting with people with that exhaustion and balanced your NN towards “not meeting” by default, hence the doominess feeling.
Active, conscious steps I took to get me out of that:
1. Recognise that being social brings you something internal (mood improvements)
2. Recognise that being social costs you some energy (depletes a battery)
3. Stop self-bashing for “not being social” at times (battery needs topping up)
4. Create a positive feedback loop instead of a negative one, by having less long/intense social interactions but more frequent, so that the battery never truly runs out and has time to recharge quickly
This takes time as the NN has to be retrained to break the default fight or flight reaction of staying in the safe zone at home.
It’s a bit like enjoying running a marathon and have a happy and relaxed mind following that, but the body is exhausted and certainly doesn’t want to run again back to back as it needs time to recover.
The introvert trait will not go away but the battery can be trained and improved in capacity, and end up looking forward to meeting people as long as it’s properly managed.
Neural network??
Being depressed as a result of meeting people that you don't want to meet seems perfectly normal to me. Talking to someone when you don't want to talk to them seems like it would only get you more depressed.
IMO, bad advice, please rethink.
If you're treating this like a diet or exercise regimen, it will probably turn out the way most of those turn out.
Instead, maybe think about the other people involved and consider them important as well. There are plenty of people that need some attention, care, resources, advice, and so on. If people come to rely on you, it is motivating, meaningful, and is more in line with the Golden Rule. I'm sure most of us would rather be friends with someone than be their weekly dose of socializing.
If you really don't like people, help out animals. Or the environment. Or "the commu ity". As long as it's part of a team.
Cheering on an underappreciated club might have the same benefits, but I'm mostly doubtful that consumer activities, albeit fun and mildly social ones, qualify as being externally focused.
I'm wondering what does NN mean, am I losing some context?
Worst period of my life was single and living alone. Way too easy to go home after work and never meet or talk to anyone outside of work.
Coupled with meditation that makes you more mindful so you can be more kind (kindfullness), you can attain a state of mind in which you can remain happy most of the time. The problems of the world will continue to be there but those will decreasingly have lesser impact on your inner state of happiness.
0: I track and share my random act of kindness (RAKs) on Black Lotus along with logging/measuring my meditation/chanting sessions (https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.rt.pinpric... )
1: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/want-to-be-happier-give-m_b_6...
Happiness is overvalued. Meaning or purpose is undervalued.
Happiness is based on a transition: something new, a change of circumstances, and is by its nature temporary. Meaning and purpose are long term.
Seek meaning, not happiness.
Hold your horses a bit here. Just because some mental model works for your, please don't do blanket statements for entire human civilization.
I for example pursue many utterly selfish hobbies without any proper meaning to me or anybody else, full of objective dangers that can kill me in case of lack of attention (or pure bad time at bad spot situation), last time this Sunday (ended up with scratches all over me after some nasty snow field slide, albeit this is very rare outcome).
The only meaning of those things (hiking, climbing, diving, paraglide, ski alpinism etc.) is feeling 200% alive, being extremely content with my life which can be described as... you get it... happiness. Climbing to the top of some peak doesn't have any proper meaning, it has been done 1000s before and will be done after me, the only meaning is how it feels during and after the adventure.
Maybe its just juggling words and we both mean same thing at the end, but I know far too many people technically unable to find long term happiness, to see how that sucks. Most of them are these highly-driven super-competitive types that have lives that look great on outside... but only if you don't know them very well.
> Climbing to the top of some peak doesn't have any proper meaning, it has been done 1000s before and will be done after me, the only meaning is how it feels during and after the adventure.
I don't quite understand what is your concept of meaning. You say that you pursue all these difficult and dangerous things that make you feel 200% alive and extremely content with your life. I wonder, how much more meaning could you ask for? To me, feeling completely alive while immersed in something is pretty much the definition of a meaningful activity! Happiness and contentment seems to be a nice bonus caused by the realization that you are in the middle of something that feels very meaningful to you.
Maybe its about about direction - inwards vs outwards. Dunno. But climbing some big rock, risking my life definitely doesn't feel like it has big meaning to me. I am not saving anybody hanging there. But it makes me happy. Working for some NGO, being a doctor or improving peoples lives would definitely be in the category of work with purpose/meaning.
It sounds like you've taken the aphorism to be all-encompassing.
I didn't mean "pursue meaning and forget happiness", rather that it is better to weight your goals in life to the former, as it is more sustainable.
In general I think aphorisms are rules of thumb. All such observations require careful interpretation/application to enact them usefully.
I don't think it is unusual for people to have an averse reaction to investing in themselves, although it does look illogical from the outside.
For me, I just feel like crap. I've run a marathon before and done a lot of other types of exercise, but that 'glow' that people report having is not something that I've ever gotten. I don't feel good after a workout or during one; I feel tired, gross, and irratiable.
Most of my weekends are already assigned and I purposely allow for some rest days. And I usually allow for some spontaneous requests to hang out.
I'm happier than I've ever been and I know more people now than I've ever known.
You still need time to yourself so you should respect that but knowing that these people care about me is nice :)
> I am in such a better mood for a few days
I get incredible anxiety after meeting people that disappears after a few days. It's not worth it at all and I'm extremely happy if I just avoid people.
you can be talkative or you can go in to deep meditation in the middle of a crowd. whatever be it do it consciously. remove all guilt and all negativity from it. experience everything deeply - silence or noise.
If you think you are doomed you will be doomed.
>I'm not really antisocial
If you think you are not really antisocial you will be not really antisocial.
>I can become overtalkative at times
If you think you can become overtalkative you will be able to become overtalkative.
>I never seem to want to 'get out'
If you think you never seem to want - you will never seem to want
>when I force myself
If you think you force yourself - you will force yourself.
>I am in such a better mood
If you think you are in a better mood - you will be in a better mood.
>back to normal
If you think you are back to normal - you will be back to normal.
Once you reach a place beyond thinking you will gain control over these things.
Or rather, the actually important part (how to do it) is concise to the point of not even being included!
It's good you are asking about the how - please see once you think "I am <something>" - this is what will determine your whole behavior on many levels and this is what you will become in many ways. Try to be conscious through the day and see every decision you are making - is it in some way based on the idea of yourself? A simple pattern of a mind "I will (not) do that because I am (not) a ...".
One way to go beyond this is to see clearly - every single moment of your life you are not "somebody" defined. Instead according to the situation around you become somebody. In the office you become an office worker and behave in one way, at home you become a family member and behave another way, at a party with friends it is again another way. Sometimes you can even forget to "be someone" and just be - for example in moments of great joy or intense activity.
Just see if you can observe this through your day - you should see yourself that your personality is flexible, it is not set in stone. See if you can find where does it come from, what defines it - I promise you this discovery will be one of the most wonderful things happened to you.
This is as much as I can give you via a text message.