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Comment by acconrad | Hacker News Reader

Not everyone responds the same. I hated when people would use fluffy language: "would it be okay if you could do X?" Dammit...just tell me to do X. I know you're not really asking me you're just trying to be nice for something that has to be done.

Well... turns out just because I like to hear feedback or orders directly, doesn't mean everyone else does. Part of why your manager treads carefully is because they have to try and create a shared language across your whole team (and really good managers know how to talk to each of their directs because they know exactly what kind of tone is effective for each of them).

Not everyone is the same. Understand that everyone likes to be treated well, but the way you do that is different. Empathy is an extremely underrated skill to have.

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This is something I learned late as well. I like to think I'm thick skinned and can take instructions directly. Really I have my thin spots like everyone else.

I started examining the times when a boss or co-worker would really piss me off and realized it was because their tone was off. I also realized that the great managers were so good at tone that I wasn't even realizing they were telling me to do something, I just did it as if it were my idea without any of the rank-pulling that goes into being ordered to do something. I think the only way to learn this properly is to watch the reaction of someone when you ask them to do something like a hawk, then adjust your tone accordingly.

The fluffy language itself is just one of the more generic techniques to avoid pissing off your reports, but a great manager goes way beyond always fluffy. In particular, "I'm not too sure about this thing, can you take a look at it?" is like my big red launch button and several managers have found it.

That reminds me of that episode of The Office where Jim realizes he can't just choose a single cake and his "idiot" boss has a really difficult job of balancing everyone's needs, applying the right touch and keeping the whole ship running smoothly.

I disagree. If somebody asks you "would it be okay if you could do X?" it's easier to say that it's a bad idea, or if it's not a priority, or there could be alternatives, or if this needs to be talked about with the team... It opens up more of a conversation than just saying "Do x".

The thing is, most of the stuff is [relatively] flexible in this world - and that "fluffy" language is used to navigate through this flexibility. So in your case, it might just be that if you don't feel for doing some particular X, another teammate might do it instead. Besides, politeness matters.

interesting point you brought up, I also hate "fluffy" languages. Besides "Would it be okay..." the other one that grinds my gears the most is when you ask around for a favour people be like "I'd love to but I can't because <insert bullshit excuse>", why can't you just tell me you can't or rather, not bother responding at all, I'd honestly feel better that way. But perhaps you're right... not everyone is the same and everyone likes to be treated well.

Good advice. This is what should be said in place of "effective communication".

This is important. I get along with a bunch of people once they realize when im direct, i dont mean to insult them, but until that relationship is functional, knowing how to say things become really important. For some, you can never be straight and it is ok.

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