Caring for your introvert
m.theatlantic.com
m.theatlantic.com
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2006/02/introver... http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2006/02/jonathan... http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2006/04/the-intr...
... That's the very definition of arrogant.
I'm an introvert and happy with it. The people who are still my friends know this and don't try to change me. I don't try to frame my introversion in terms of being better than others, though. I simply am who I am.
I've also noticed a weird gender breakdown: a fair number of guys say things like, "this describes me perfectly!" and a fair number of girls say things like, "this describes my boyfriend perfectly!" It's rare to get responses the other way around. Anything that increases understanding is, in my view, a net good thing.
A poorly written book called "The Introvert Advantage" elaborates on the idea that introverts aren't necessarily shy -- they just need time alone to recharge, while extroverts actually find themselves energized by others and bored alone. Despite the low quality of the writing, I sometimes recommend it to people who have that "ah ha!" moment.
Are you saying it is rare to get guys suggesting "this describes my girlfriend perfectly"?
Below are a couple of things that help me, and I'm curious if other introverts have adopted any tools to help them:
1. Alcohol! Of course, this isn't always appropriate, but it does seem to work. Hah.
2. Adopt a passion in a subject that is applicable to a large audience that falls outside your primary expertise. For example - Fitness. As the article states, introverts are perfectly capable of engaging in conversations that interest them without the exhaustion that comes with normal small talk. Most people are interested in fitness. Therefore, if the introvert is highly interested in fitness, it stands to reason that he can steer a conversation in that direction and engage with a wide array of personalities. Food/Nutrition, Travel, history are other examples that might work.
How about you?
1. Ditch the alcohol. Or, at least, know your limit (that gives you a buzz) and have 50% less. You want to be able to remember faces and names of the people you meet and some details about your conversation. So make sure your mental faculties are reasonably sharp.
2. Spend most of your time listening. Pretend that you're interviewing the person and ask them open ended questions about their job and hobbies. You will almost certainly find out something interesting about them that you can discuss further. Who knows, maybe they're a programmer just like you!
3. Get up to speed on current events. I personally try not to read much news, but for about 3 days heading up to an event, I'll skim headlines and first paragraphs news articles on a broad range of topics (takes less than an hour each day). The goal here is to create little hooks that you can hang conversations on, it is not to become an expert on a random topic. You'll most certainly run into someone who'll know more than you and will gladly tell you all about it.
4. Keep it light. You and the other guests are there to have fun. Downers are for drug addicts. Politics and religion is for reddit.
5. Work the room by having short conversations with lots of people and asking for introductions. Introductions are as simple as asking, "So who else do you know here tonight?".
6. Prepare yourself mentally for being at the event. Clear out to do's and other distractions. I kind of psych myself up for chatting with lots of people in the same way others might psych themselves up for sports contests (metaphorically, of course).
All of the above can be summed up as:
1. It's not about you. It's about everyone else who you'll meet, the friends you'll make, and making sure your significant other has a good time (especially if he/she is an extrovert).
2. Prepare. "A hard drill makes an easy battle".
I've learned to turn down small talk heavy events that I can't adequately prepare for. I've also learned that you can have a 15 minute conversation with someone by just asking what they do for a living and how they got to doing it. I've learned that stock phrases (aka, pick up lines) really work. My favorites are:
"Hi, I'm Andrew."
"What do you do (for a living)?"
And, if I find out the person has an MBA: "So what the hell is future-discounted value?"
What you may find is the simple act of repeated short interactions is the most effective warmup for introversion. The thing is it may take more than one interaction to be warmed up. Five more likely. Any number is better than one.
A social experiment I highly recommend: Walk down a not too busy city street and just start smiling and saying hi to people. You'll find most people will ignore you, maybe even give you a negative look. Don't mind them. If you can get to a certain magic number for the environment, you'll find the balance shifting - you'll start to feel energized, fearless, alive and - it is usually at this point that some people respond back in kind. And when that happens, I can schmooze with the best. In a way only introverts can. This might be 50 HIs and smiles later though. Good luck! Even on a smaller scale (walking into a room and deliberately greeting everyone you first encounter), this really helps!
Your point #2 reminds me of a HN comment that said something along the lines of "when I meet someone, I assume this person has a secret and it's my job to discover it". Recently after reading this, I got talking with a guy sitting on the next seat on a plane, who I discovered had been a screenwriter for a famous TV show for three years and had a particular fondness for programming (and a lot of insightful comments on tech in general). An hour before, I only knew this guy had an impressive mustache.
1) Am I the only one thinking, that some of the terms used to describe introverts: "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private", have since long been stopped to be considered as negatives?
2) Think, Introverts easily command more respect, on an average, than extroverts (no data to back this up. Just my perception). Even extroverts, based on my anecdotal experiences, regard introverts with a lot of respect, as high achievers often tend to be introverted.
3) I like the definition though: "introverts are people who find other people tiring"
4) Think, >=70% ppl on HN are introverts. [ A poll could confirm this ... or break this :) ]
But I think among people who don't have a particularly serious/accomplished air going for them, extraverts get seen more positively by default. Even if both are seen as sort of time-wasting, somehow "wastes his time drinking and telling stories in bars" gets ranked higher than "wastes his time at home playing videogames".
http://www.randsinrepose.com/archives/2007/11/11/the_nerd_ha...
I fit only about half of the things he describes, but that half is so spot-on it sounds like he's been stalking me.
I am also usually pretty quiet in meetings where people are hashing ideas out. I usually like to think things through before speaking from a place of authority on them, which for me means doing a proof of concept and assessing the problems at that point. I personally hate being wrong on a "guess".
And BTW, Do you know, Hrithik Roshan (Indian Movie Star) has been struggling through an acute stuttering problem, since he was a child. In an interview of his I saw, he was saying he practices on his vocals for about an hour or two daily. Also he occasionally did stuff like: Once he had to do a stage show in Dubai, he shut himself in a cabinet, and screamed at top of his voice. The reason he did it was, so as to not alarm the other people in the hotel.
As to the stuttering, I think I understand. I don't stutter, but I do have a horrible time hearing when there's much ambient noise. It makes many otherwise neutral to vaguely unpleasant events unbearable.
Today we're going to delve into the murky depths of Jungian psychology, and examine one of its most popular surviving manifestations. The Myers-Briggs test is used all over the world, and is the single most popular psychometric system, with the full formal version of the test given more than 2,000,000 times a year. But is it a valid psychological tool, is it just another pop gimmick like astrology, or is the truth somewhere in between? ...
Wasn't it Jung that defined the extrovert and the introvert?