System Preferences > Keyboard > Customize Touch Bar (at bottom). Drag off buttons you don't want, drag on buttons you do.
Not 5 seconds, but probably less than a minute.
Not 5 seconds, but probably less than a minute.
EDIT: So I found it - if, in the Keyboard preferences pane, you pick "Expanded Control Strip" instead of "App Controls", apps can't awfulify the touch bar. I now have haptically null touch points that do what I expect a Mac's top row to do, which is worse than having keys that do what I expect a Mac's top row to do, but it isn't as bad as it was at the start of the day.