Comment by EdwardDiego | Hacker News Reader

Comment by EdwardDiego | Hacker News Reader

I'm a single father of five who obtained full-time custody last year, and trying to balance work and parenting is a never-ending challenge.

Some of my observations:

1) Kids have a great time with other kids, so don't feel bad about daycare. Having them at home full-time past the age of 2 is, I think, more about the parent than the child.

2) Sometimes kids just suck, and work can be a glorious escape.

3) School life in my culture (NZ) is still modelled like there's always one stay at home parent, which means you'll never be able to be there for every certificate, every kapa haka performance, and kids are okay about it so long as you communicate, and do get to the occasional one.

4) You can fit a lot of effective parenting into dinner table discussions and bedtime discussions

5) I'm really glad I'm a single Dad and not a single Mum because there are very few cultural expectations of me beyond working, and everyone acts like I'm amazing for just raising my kids. It's kinda insulting to both genders.

6) It's impossible to perfectly balance a 40 hour working week and family. Best you can aim for is a kind of homeostasis where work suffers for family one week and then family suffers a bit for work the next.

And because I left it too late to edit it in.

7) You will feel, at times, like you're letting down everyone equally, workmates and children both. And you just have to ride with it.

And I've found that workmates will notice your child related late starts or early finishes, and resent them. The only solution is communication. And a decent employer.

Our work culture also assumes two people families to an extent.

> You will feel, at times, like you're letting down everyone equally

My girlfriend struggles with that quite a bit. And now that we're fully cohabitated and my work-from-home / lack-of-commute situation allows me to participate in more kids things that aren't accomodating to parents with traditional work schedules and typical commutes... I get heaps of praise from everyone, including her, for basically just not being a dick.

Eh, the bar is set low for men. Stick around, hold down a job, and actually parent, and you're considered amazing.

It's the flip side of the "women with careers are neglecting their children" and "men at the park are paedos!" mindset.

It's nice having positive feedback, but I'd prefer a society where it's unremarked upon.

Great! I find I might be in the same situation in the future. How do you do parenting around the dinner table? Heck—how do you get dinner ready for 5?! If you can, would love to hear more! :)

Everyone eats together, no screens, books, toys etc. Especially me, it's always tempting to clean while they eat, but there's so much more value just touching base.

And then we talk. Things that happened at school, on the bus, at work, in the news. Any teachable moments come up, you use them - especially good for reinforcing the values you're trying to impart by running through scenarios based on what happened.

Bedtime is the important one. Having 15 minutes alone with them, in a muted environment where they feel safe, is where they feel best able to express emotional stuff. Once again, easy to skip and do the multitude of other tasks, but too valuable.

And in terms of cooking, buying in bulk and cooking in bulk. Pastas, risottos, pies etc. I like stuff that's quick for after work, or can be cooked the night before and reheated. I'm not a very organised person so the last year has been a definite learning experience.

I think your kids are very lucky. You seem to know what's important and be determined enough to get it. The only thing I can add that I didn't see on your list is "Take care of yourself also". My dad died young because he didn't take care of himself, and his four kids thought it kind of sucked. Perhaps see yourself as just the eldest kid in the family. Easy to say, hard to do I guess.

That is hard, but I try. My partner and I (we still run separate households) cherish the time we get together - and I'm really lucky that my oldest son is able and willing to watch the others, every Saturday, when my toddler is down for her nap, my partner and I have lunch at a favourite restaurant.

I’d prefer a society where it’s unremarked upon too, but it’s really not about you.

Yeah you’re getting praise for being there for your child, sometimes overbearingly so, like you were rare and precious.

Maybe it’s because you are rare and precious. Maybe most men are shits. Maybe you are one of the very few who aren’t.

Personally, I like children about as much as I like cats, but much less than I like dogs.

But I hate the unruly ones. Almost makes one yearn for the days of ritual infanticide.

I never resent my co-workers for child-related late starts or early finishes. I respect them. I prioritize work/career and I always admire the ones who don't.

Daycare is not only great fun for the kids - playing with their peers is fun - it's also fantastic for their development.

We have an excellent daycare. My daughter spends three days a week crafting, playing outside with kids, baking, doing make-up etc. The carers have skills that I don't have and my kids get to enjoy that.

We both work four days a week so the kids get lots of parent time and we get a bit of a rest from them.

I’m fortunate enough to live in Iceland so both my kids got a place in a state kindergarten (leikskoli) from 18 months. Having seen the care and attention they pay to the development of kids I honestly don’t know why this isn’t more common outside of Nordic countries. Particularly with modern societal expectations on parents and the future of society being entirely dependent on the effort it put into its future citizens.

Being Norwegian, I've found that quite a few Icelandic words are just brilliantly descriptive.

I just learned another one; leikskoli. Beats our 'barnehage' for kindergarten, that's for sure!

Interestingly we’d call it playschool in the UK as well. Kindergarten in the English context seems way more of a US thing.

Almost the same in swedish: lekskola (or "lekis") and dagskola ("dagis") but they have now been replaced by the more pretentious "förskola" as we like to be pretentious over here. "barnhage" is a small cage you put toddlers in so they can't escape - makes sense you guys use that word for kindergarten ;)

Ooh, ze plot thickens. We call that little cage a 'lekegrind'.

Førskole is a bridge between kindergarten and primary school - typically a few hours a week for the last few months in kindergarten.

We've been pretentious at least since I attended førskole some 35 years ago! Hah! :)

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