I saw this article and was wondering what you think about it?
I have two kids and a wife. Love the kids but sometimes feel resentment that I got married young and cannot pursue some of my other interests, like entrepreneurship for example. Wife's looks have also faded and the rare intimacy just compounds this feeling.
Would like to hear different perspectives.
My advice is work hard on being happy now, and stay open to opportunities. (The last bit bears repeating: stay open to opportunities!) And never, ever use your kids or your wife as an excuse for your own actions, or failure to act.
A dumb mental trick that is nonetheless effective is to remember that you can do all the right things, get everything you think you want, and still be a miserably unhappy person. This is proved out in the headlines almost daily.
As for faded looks, mine have faded much faster than my wife’s, and I’m secretly thrilled when I catch a wrinkle or gray hair on her. Success is when we both look like wrinkled old prunes and are still happy together.
But yeah, having a supporting extended family is super useful indeed. Not mandatory, but it does make life easier.
The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side of the fence.
For "faded looks", usually if you get your shit together fitness-wise, most women will follow your lead. Do you have your shit together?
Only thing I regret about procreation is not starting sooner. You have all your life to make money. The baby making window is finite.
You are in control of your feelings of resentment and you are in control of pursuing whatever dream or passions you have.
That all being said, absolutely no regrets, I love this kid more than anything in the world.
From time to time I wonder if me having my daughter when 25 years old ruined some enterpreneurship future for me, but then I remember, that when I was in my 20-ties, I had many dreams about starting projects, but mostly I opted for watching loads of anime :D
On the other hand, with some risk of getting too personal, me and my wife are slowly going through separation and divorce, and despite my daughter bringing so much joy to my life, I often think how easier my current situation would be without her, and how hard it is not to hurt her in the process :-/
I went-part time a few years back and enjoy supporting my family and pursuing my own work.
I think with my next company I plan to have a seperate slack channel just for spouses to talk and support each other, or something to help them stay well. I think companies should pay for couples retreats or something to make sure the home life is good.
You can do a lot more than you think. You have to differentiate between "is the kids" or "is it my partner". You might have to focus on one main thing to do outside of kids/family. For example a single person might travel, get ripped at the gym and start a startup. Whereas the family person might choose one of the above.
Travel gets expensive with a family, so maybe then you need to work for FAANG to afford it, so there goes the startup.
There's also something very wholesome and fulfilling that is the je ne sais quoi about it. We have 7 and 10 yo but if were younger would have gone for more.
That said, I havent hit teens yet...
As for missed opportunities, I have had a lot of them, but not so much because of the kids. They do tie you down and keep you from making BIG life changes. But they also drive you to succeed as you feel a need to provide.
As for the article, assuming it was like the one in the guardian, there are many things wrong with it: 1) it was an opinion piece 2) it used very bad logic that would only be acceptable in a 3rd grade science fair, but nowhere else
I hope you did not marry your wife just because she was hot at the time. Look for other features to value in her. Myself I have grown a bit large, so I know I could improve by changing.
Do I regret having him?
Not for a second, having a kid is like seeing the world through new lenses and just so rewarding. But that doesn't mean it doesn't have some costs that even with a lot of forethought that I didn't quite anticipate. No regrets, but def some costs in terms of impact on our marriage and on my wife that I didn't anticipate. We've overcome a lot of them in the last few years, but it was hard and took some time. And, it still takes a lot of time to make sure we are connected. Money helps too so you can get a babysitter for a date once a week, or to pay for the insane cost of pre-school. We are thinking about a second but nervous about the further impact on things.
I started a few companies when I was younger and I've had a few good exits, so I came into the marriage a pretty seasoned entrepreneur. Starting a business while married and with a kid is TOTALLY DIFFERENT than being in your 20s/30s and single (or in a relationship). It can def be done, but I've had to get a lot better on time management and have some honest conversations with myself about what I have to stop doing in my life. I think in some ways it gives you some hard boxes around decisions which make decisions easier too...
I do think you can still pursue entrepreneurship, but it has to be a team decision and it can't sprawl around like it might be able too in your 20s. It will def cause relationship stress as finances always do that. My wife and I run a Facebook support group for spouses of entrepreneurs on the subject (https://marriedtoanentrepreneur.org/).
Hopefully, you can rekindle intimacy in your relationship as that doesn't sound like a good place to be :(. One of the big joys of being married for me is traveling or hanging out with my wife, and making time for that really helps to reset me and remember that we have strong connections. If that was lost it would be more like having a roommate who gets on my nerves sometimes :)
Hope that helps!
But still, I'd say you can pursue entrepreneurship. Plenty of people do. I do subcontracting and I love it. It's not a jobby-job but still is pretty stable (provided you are a good saver because IMHO freelancers need one year of living costs set aside).
As for intimacy, I found out that the key is not to be overly tired all the time. Both need to have a breather at least once a day. Get a babysitter or an au pair or something.
At first it struck me as a bit alarmist however having a not so serious issue myself helped me see his point of view. But my feelings about his decisions are never fixed though and sometimes I do wonder if he'll ever regret his choice, especially since genetic issues are not always passed down.