In all seriousness.
Kmail (or KDE's integrated PIM, Kontact), are GUI alternatives.
This is pretty much my only gripe with it. And for daily use, I dramatically prefer it over webmail.
One other thing that makes me chuckle more than anything... the scam email detection heuristics count cross-domain images to be indicators of scams/phishing. I have two clients who have signature images linked from a different domain, and every message has a red header that warns "THIS MESSAGE MAY BE A SCAM". More than you know, Thunderbird. More than you know.
I’m +1 on superhuman but I miss sparrow.
I'm actually pretty amazed at how well Thunderbird seems to handle my 5 email accounts with messages going back to 2004. Unless I have to search...
I use the "expression search" addon, which is perfect as long as you only need to search on metadata; and the global indexer when I do. It's not perfect, but it doesn't make me want to quit in anger, and not even to surrender my privacy to google.
But I still use Thunderbird despite all these problems. It is the only email client that supports both Windows and Linux, supports HTML, and doesn't require you to create an account and connect to a third-party DB to use it (I'm looking at you, Mailspring!)