In the space of the afternoon after reading this article, I removed SMS 2FA from all my accounts, installed Authy, added all my accounts to it, found out Authy is also insecure[0], reconfigured it to be less insecure, and basically despaired.
My solution going forward will be to spend all of my money each month so there's nothing to steal, and have a terrible reputation online that therefore can't be ruined.