Why don't more American men take paternity leave? | Hacker News Reader

Why don't more American men take paternity leave?

parenting.nytimes.com

29 pointspseudolus25 comments

Isn't the simplest answer that most American men aren't offered paternity leave?

To be coupled with the fact that even those who are are still expected to be the breadwinner, which paternity leave interferes with.

Much (all?) of the differences in outcomes between men who do and men who don't is easily attributed to men in higher social classes having more paternity leave, more stable marriages, and fewer economic stressors.

Availability is only part of the answer. As article notes, even when it's available, far fewer men take it. In my experience, it still comes down to the known hit to your career. I worked for a large tech co. in a "liberal" city that offered generous parental leaves. Most new mothers took many months off. Fathers, if they took p-leave at all, would take it in small chunks. Not having to leave work for a long period helped their career growth/trajectory tremendously.

I’m curious which company and city this was? Because I also work for a large tech company in a liberal city, and almost all the fathers I’ve worked with took at least some paternity leave, although less than women.

Or if they take leave, they don't take too long. I've noticed that father's tend to return in one month. They all say they got bored but what I think is they are afraid of reprisal.

Nyt lives in a bubble

Researchers are not stupid. They did try to control for social class, although it may have failed due to data limitation.

"Men who take leave are less likely to get divorced, and have better relationships with their children, research shows."

Correlation does not equal causation.

Indeed, and even if it was it may well be in the opposite direction. E.g. people who have better relations with their children are more likely to take paternal leave

What, they take leave after the children are old enough that the father-child relationship has proven to be a good one?

As far as I’m aware “paternity leave” is a benefit offered maybe by a select few employers but certainly isn’t common in the US.

“The [Family and Medical Leave Act] entitles eligible employees of covered employers to take unpaid, job-protected leave for specified family and medical reasons with continuation of group health insurance coverage under the same terms and conditions as if the employee had not taken leave.”

Depending on how the employer arranges leave, an employee can use banked leave during FMLA leave to get paid during that period. Given the terms of FMLA and the significant cost of healthcare premiums it makes sense for one spouse to not take lengthy leave.

https://www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/

I believe that a job is waiting for you, not necessarily your old job, and the job that is waiting does not need to be at the same level or salary.

I did take mine. By combining one week of paternity leave and two weeks of vacation, I learned I was stress eating at work. By week two, I was deep in the monastic experience of infant care (no infant health issues, thank God). I didn't even notice my eating slowing down. I was down 10 lbs by the time I returned to work.

Why has the thread title changed to not reflect the NY Times article name?

I took a couple days off when my children are born, but as any dad/husband knows, after mom is set up at home and extended family visit and leave, there isn't much to do. I was bored after a few days so didn't mind working. Baby eats, poops, and naps. Dad gets in the way. :)

Pretty surprised to hear this to be honest, did your wife feel the same way? Any complications during the birth of afterwards?

No complications. Wife wanted me to get out of her hair as well. I was always helpful of course. Just got back to my 9-5 after a few days at home.

As a counterpoint, my paternity leave was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. California provided 7 weeks; I took 3 weeks immediately after my daughter was born and the rest spread out over the first year of her life. My daughter was a relatively easy newborn to take care of, she didn’t have any serious health issues and she was (and still is, thankfully) a very good sleeper. Even so, being home the first 3 weeks was an invaluable help to my wife. My wife fed our daughter every 4-5 hours, so I helped do things like grocery shop, make food, change diapers, put the baby to sleep, do laundry, tidy the house, etc. so my wife could get some sleep in between feedings. I have very fond memories of my daughter falling asleep on my chest while swinging in our hammock. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything.

Agreed here. I have a 2-week-old and I (as a dad) found a ton of things to do to help.

Happy Father’s Day!

It's a shame people are down voting you for sharing a personal experience. Perhaps it's some sort of moral judgment?

My experience was similar. When my children were born my in-laws came to visit for months and did almost everything. There wasn't much for me to do and I felt like I was mostly just in the way, so after a couple weeks I went back to work. Fortunately I had a short commute and a somewhat flexible schedule so I could come out and help when needed.

> It's a shame people are down voting you for sharing a personal experience. Perhaps it's some sort of moral judgment

The "Dad just gets in the way" part earned my downvote. If that was his personal experience, well, there's no nice way to put this, but that means he's bad at being a dad/husband. Even if we accept that Dad has no role in breastfeeding, there's still diaper changes, laundry, baths, and cleaning up various messes. Then there's helping out mom recovering from child birth and all of the cooking/cleaning to support normal life. With all that needs to be done and the best you can do is just get in the way? Not a good look.

Most of the cooking/cleaning can be done after work depending on your life style, so it seems a bit of a leap to suggest he wasn't doing that even if he was working.

Exactly. It wasn't like I wasn't around or did nothing. It's just from 9-5 I worked. Did chores / helped the wife out all other hours of the week. Not sure why it offended some. The traditional notion of nuclear family roles is really dying it appears.

Ha! Thanks for the judgement. I'm a very good dad/husband, and I never said I did nothing. I just stated i went back to work after a few days. I was always home in the evenings, weekends, mornings.

This works in families where the extended family is actually useful and or respectful. In my case I was the only person available to directly support my wife after child birth.

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