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Comment by whitepoplar | Hacker News Reader

I'm shy because I feel I'm not cool, smart, or successful enough to be deserving of happiness and friendship, which is ridiculous when you think about it, but it's what goes on in my head. I really want to stop this, but it's hard once you've lived it for so long.

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What's interesting is that some of my best friends have been people that society would judge as unsuccessful, not smart, and not cool. Mutually feeling accepted by one another is a big part of it I think, but I never really thought about it other than "chemistry".

I think one of the biggest mistakes of my life was falling into a depression/sadness hole and making friends with other depressed and sad people. It continues the cycle. And many of these people are not as nice and accepting as you'd be led to believe (applies to myself, too! something I've been changing.)

Eh, I wouldn't say it was a mistake. Those people got you through a tough time, and I'm sure it was mutual. Now you realize you want something different, and that's okay too.

I think that's a very good way to put it and I think you're right. Thanks.

That sounds more like a lack of self-esteem than shyness. It would be good for you to look for a psychologist who introduces into your head the right ideas to overcome it.

I know because I've been there; even if self-esteem reinforcement looks like simple and obvious ideas, it helps if someone tells them aloud to you. Irrational behaviors are not solved by reasoning them away, you have to practice how to fix them.

I used to be unbalanced regarding this. I could go from sweaty paranoid anxiety attack in some non geek group to smooth girl talker in my CS class group.

It made me even more insane how I could wave back and forth that much. It's also telling that a big chunk of it is due to how you perceive you relatively to the env.

I still remind myself about a week spent at an athletic training camp. Since nobody knew the "real me" I took a risk and introduced myself as the happy, content, talkative, cool person I wanted to be. Much to my shock, people bought it! For that week, I was the person others wanted to talk to and hang out with. It was great, really fantastic, and showed me how the person we "are" is all in our heads. I lapsed back into being quiet, sad, and depressed after that, but it was such an eye-opener.

Interesting story (and experiment). I think along our lives we have moments where we can reset our social self (summer holidays far from home) and grow / rewire a lot of our preconceptions.

All in all I wouldn't say it's all in our minds, even though we inherit genes and traits from our family but as you saw yourself, it's also a balancing effort with our surroundings. If you're misjudged you will face an uphill battle, if you get a friendly start it will change our you feel, live and create your persona.

Yeah, though I think people have an uncanny ability to pick up on how you portray yourself and then reflect that back at you. Even 30 seconds of initial interaction gone poorly is enough to guide the rest of the relationship, maybe even for years.

Yep, and it's something that is subtle and rarely taught. Having the natural tendancy to ~fight for your status so your position is neutral with respect to others.

On "cool, smart, or successful" and "deserving of happiness", you might want to hear what the Stoic philosopher, Epictetus, had to say:

One central message [of his book, "Discourses, Fragments, Handbook"] is that the basis for happiness or well-being is 'up to us' and that we all have the capacity to move towards this state, regardless of our specific social context or individual character. [...] Epictetus also stresses that this capacity forms an integral and inalienable part of what makes human beings distinctive in the natural universe, as well as the prime expression of what is 'divine' within us.

Your openness and honesty makes you cool in my book.

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