Ask HN: How to initiate or respond to small talk (not the programming language)?
I am not able to initiate or respond to small talk. What are your methods for small talk? How do you initiate one?
I am normally an introvert and I am somewhere between bad and okay at small talk because it bores the hell out of me, but I hold my own perfectly fine in conversational settings.
The key for me was to understand that small talk is like kindling, not firewood. It'll get a conversation started, but it's very hard to keep it going with just small talk. If you want an interesting and satisfying conversation that flows (relatively) naturally and where you really get to know someone better, you have to move past small talk quickly.
So I might start with mentions of the weather (common opener), or if they're parents, questions about their kids. However, I don't try to have a conversation about weather. I'm actually rapidly scanning for something substantial to work with. What do you do in bad weather? Good weather? Oh, you play pick-up soccer? Are you a soccer fan? Which club? Do you ever bet on games? Who do you play with? How did you meet them? Oh you're from North Carolina? Ok, can you tell me what the difference is between your barbecue and Texan barbecue? I've been told they're different, but I've never tried it.
That takes... maybe two minutes? And now we can have a conversation where this person spends the next five minutes telling me about how they do their briskets. When they finish, I either end the conversation so that it doesn't die a slow death, or I go back to prospecting for topics.
If the prospecting strategy isn't turning anything up but I get the sense that they're the touchy feely type, I sometimes try intentional vulnerability. "Hey, can I get your opinion on something? I'm trying to figure out what to get a friend for their birthday, but I'm bad at thinking of presents and I'm running out of time."
If I think they're the thoughtful type I might just go straight for something heavyweight like "so in your work, what keeps you up at night?"
If they're just not really responding, you shouldn't try to force it. There are people (and some really smart people) who might have to warm up to you first. If I were a better conversationalist, maybe that wouldn't be necessary, but I'm not, so sometimes the conversation just isn't going to go anywhere, and that's okay.
Now to address the important question; as far as I can tell, in North Carolina BBQ is a noun meaning vinegar based pulled pork, hush puppies and sweet tea. In Texas, and elsewhere BBQ is a verb.
Texas BBQ is (almost) always beef, usually brisket, but can also be different cuts and sausages. It's usually dry-rubbed with mixed seasonings.
"BBQ" is a verb everywhere, including NC and Texas, but outside the southern US, people use it to mean any type of outdoor cooking, while in the south it specifically means "slow smoked meat", while other types of cooking outside are called "grilling."
"BBQ" as a verb is a style of cooking (you could BBQ vegetables if you wanted), but "BBQ" as a noun, at least in the south, means meat slow cooked with smoke rather than direct heat.
Also, read how to make friends and influence people, then when finished, read all the rebuttals.
I have the same problem but I suppose I come off as an asshole to a lot of people because I can't be arsed to take interest in something that bores me. I think it equally (or even maybe more so) disingenuous to pretend otherwise because people can tell when you're faking it. This isn't a "fake it until you make it" scenario.
There are some people I catch easy strides with and have kept in touch with, years later - without having Facebook or the like. Those are few and far-between, though.
So, to my point: How do you hold your own perfectly fine in conversational settings if it bores you? Any tips you can provide?
I haven't any id
I disagree; I think that's exactly what it is, and on two timescales.
There's within the individual conversation -- especially with another introverted-ish person. You might have to struggle your mutual way through some boring shit for a few go-rounds until one of you says something that opens up the window of the conversation.
And on the scale of year over year, I think it's learned behavior that stupid small talk can be a pathway to better things. I have great friends that I immediately fell in stride with, as you say, and I have great friends that took time to get to that point. Both are precious.
But the most important thing is that you're mutable and hence you don't have to accept it as just a part of you that you get bored by this. That can change.
Either that, or the person being bored may have such narrow interests or lack of belief in the value others hold that they are unable or unwilling to find common ground. So I’d say - share your interests in an off-hand way during small talk, and attempt to steer the conversation in such a way that your partner(s) get a chance to do the same - and then pounce on common ground when you find it. And if you take responsibility for finding it, you always will - unless you’re not just “coming off” as an asshole.
I used to have the problem that too many conversations were boring to me, so I wouldn't engage. However, I found two key thoughts driving this feeling.
First, some of it came out of my own ego, like thinking I was above trivial things. The truth is I'm not, I'm just interested in different trivial things. And that's okay, but I did need to get over myself and learn to withhold judgement and appreciate the expertise that other people develop in their interests. There are still genuinely uninteresting people, but they are rare if you do a good job of prospecting for the things people focus their attention on.
Second, for me, the disinterest was sort of a social pecking order thing. However, it was mostly in my own head. In practice the leaders I respected were the ones who took care to treat me as an intellectual equal, even if they were formally higher on the hierarchy. A rare few people I know require token shows of power before they take you seriously, but most people just want you to relate to them.
I had a third realization that was more functional. I am an engineer because I've always thought like one (may not apply to anyone else). I've grown up looking at social conversations a bit like an anthropologist observing a human social ritual. It seemed like a wasteful artifact, and doing it just didn't feel natural for me. However, the reality of it is that it's central to how humans function. I can't opt out, but I can try to deconstruct it into a set of rules, guidelines, and practices that I can internalize just like any other skill, so that's what I did.
One key rule is that in any conversation (it's not my own phrase but I forget where it comes from) the other person first remembers how you made them feel, and second remembers if you said anything interesting. In cases where it's entirely a social transaction for me, rule #1 is to make them feel good. That might seem manipulative, but people who are naturally socially fluent do this intuitively, so I don't feel any guilt over intentionally doing it.
It's very much a "fake it until you make it" scenario, because our brains in many cases really do work that way. When you pick up a skill, your brain rewires itself in a way that over time the skill requires less conscious thought. Learning to carry conversations followed the same progression for me.
Also, try not to kick yourself too hard later when you decide you said something stupid. There's no score.
The only losing move is not to play.
First though: some people are simply hard to talk to. They just don’t give you anything back. If you run into these people, don’t beat yourself up over it. Just give it a try and move on if you can’t get anywhere.
Now for the meat of my advice: ask questions. Always be asking questions. I find that people generally love to talk about stuff that’s close to them.
Let’s try just two examples:
1. Where are you from? - how big is it there? - do you live downtown or in the suburbs? - what’s traffic like? - what’s the weather like there? Hot summers? Cold winters? Much snow? Much rain? - is it expensive to live there? - much to do there? - do you do road trips from there? Is it close to other nice places? - etc, forever
2. What do you do? - What do you work on? Who do you work with? Hours? Keep up to date? Weekends? Evenings? How big is the company? How much time off? What do you do with your time off?
Basically I find myself constantly asking questions during these conversations. The more freely they talk, the more questions I’ll ask. I’ll also ask lots of personal questions later on in the conversation if things are going well.
How much is your house / car (generally) etc. The easy way to get to these answers is to offer your own: “The cost of living where I am is great, largely bc houses are relatively cheap. My house was $300k. I bet you can’t get a house for that much where you live?”
If you learn to start thinking in questions you’ll start to develop some good habits here and it’ll get easier.
But again, I can do this all day with the right people, but with the wrong people even 5 minutes I’d a slog.
Good luck!
I'd steer away from money questions and answers though. Official decorum often prohibits such questions and people can take those questions and answers quite personally.
Re: #2 I don't like to focus on conversations related to occupation, I've found people start to open up much more if you focus on who they are/what they actually enjoy doing outside of work, since most people don't like to be defined by their occupation. The random outlier being they work full-time on something they are really passionate/care about, but that is fairly easy to figure out if they mention it as how they spend their free time, or in rare cases they mention it due to the position being (in their eyes) a status symbol e.g. my college friends on Wall Street in IB/PE.
Re: House/car values, I've found people get real weird discussing values and it's sort of 50/50 on commiserating with you/being annoyed about high living costs. Some people love humble-bragging that they can afford to live in/own property in a location 2x * U.S. Avg CoL, others get annoyed you are apparently bragging about your affordable location. One of those things you'd have to play close to the chest. I think it all comes down to if they mention hating the high CoL where they are and their desire to move.
Lol, you can talk to anyone whenever they are talking back or not is not your problem.
Personally I hate small talk but sometimes get dragged into these kinds of questioning sessions. I'd like to just be able to say, "I'd rather not discuss that", but that would obviously come off as rude.
If you want a book, I recently re-read "How to win friends and influence people" and it is quite good :-) The basic seems, you listen to the other person, and indulge in their interest?
In practical terms, I have started dancing, and in the dance hall, small-talk often happens.
I.m.o. most important is to read the room, and not be too personal?
I.e. if I am going to the bar to get a drink, and I hear somebody discussing i.e. how they returned from Italy where they managed to find a really good local restaurants, and it doesn't sound like a private conversation, and we might know each-other in passing, I might walk closer and ask about that.
If they give me a why-are-you-talking-to-me? look, I apologize for interrupting and retreat to somebody I know better :P
If they respond in kind we might have like a 3 minute conversation about good Italian restaurants, and then we maybe go dancing, or they break-of the conversation, or I break of the conversation.
The thing I am learning is to distinguish whether me starting/interupting a conversation will more likely lead to a conversation than just awkward silence ahead of time... I am slowly getting better at that :D
What you can do to best move things in that direction should depend almost entirely on your unique self as well as the situation and whoever else is in the conversation. Start with whatever common ground you know you have, get a lay of the surrounding land, and then you can more safely prospect out for more stimulating topics.
It may be tempting to codify the process of small talk, but you'd really be codifying the process of getting to know other people and letting yourself be known. This can be a valid strategy, but loses some degree of humanity. People are endlessly unique, and no amount of hard steps can account for the full set of factors at play. The human brain is an amazing machine for exactly this problem.
Practice. It will feel risky, but you will survive, you will learn, and you will improve.
That being said, I still don't really enjoy small talk but it still feels more comfortable to mee if I notice that the other person is receiving the response they expected. I know that in my example above, both responses says the same thing, but most people tend to continue talking and feel more comfortable if I respond in more verbose manners rather than "Yes." "I agree".
And as some others have pointed out, practice.
Starting is usually the hardest thing. Your goal here is to find out whether they want to talk with you, do initiate this by starting off with something easy that affects you both: the weather, the daily commute, morning rituals. The point here is not to convince the other side of your point of view, but to figure out if they wanna talk and to look for cues that you could use to move the conversation forward.
Most importantly the whole thing should be really low pressure: if somebody doesn’t wants to talk or the communication ends unexpectedly early, who cares? There can be a thousand reasons that have nothing to do with you, I had 20min talks with collegues on one day, while on another day the very same people would avoid finding answers and go their way. You also don’t have to be able to talk with everyone. Some people don’t enjoy talking, others only enjoy it when it is negative talk about others etc. Make sure not to talk shit about other people just to stay in a conversation, it pays off in the long run.
Ask the person sitting next to you “how was your weekend? Did you do anything?” This is a great opener because it guarantees at least a little bit of back-and-forth conversation, since after they answer the question they will likely ask you about your own weekend.
If they answer the question by saying they didn’t do anything, you can say that that sounds relaxing.
If they mention they watched a TV show or saw a movie, be honest and say whether you’ve heard of it or not. Tell them you’ve been looking for something new to watch, and ask for their recommendation.
If they did actually do something — maybe they caught up with friends, or saw family, or went hiking — you can say “oh, that sounds nice!” You can even leave the conversation there if you’d like, or ask follow up questions about where the activity took place, what the weather was like, etc.
Next, they’ll probably ask you if you did anything yourself, and you can respond in kind.
My one tip is to always be honest. Don’t lie or make up stories to sound more interesting than you are. If you didn’t leave the house and just stayed at home all weekend coding, you can say that. I dreaded small talk when I was younger because I was ashamed of having an uninteresting life. But I’ve found that by expressing the things that I feel a little bit of shame about, I often end up connecting more deeply with other people around me who feel the same way.
Smile! Most people are quite happy to be around quiet people who project an air of friendliness, so you don't have to say too much if you don't want to.
The biggest pitfalls I see with technical people in social situations are the following:
- trying to demonstrate knowledge (people don't generally care if you're an expert)
- trying to be right
- talking too much, listening too little
It's also okay to be honest and vulnerable. In fact, a great conversation starter might be something like, "I'm honestly not really the best at small talk...want to talk about something more interesting instead?"
One thing you can do IRL is sincerely smile and ask cashiers and other service workers, "How's your day going?" This is super low stakes because, as long as they're not extremely busy, they are expected to be nice and will generally appreciate that you're treating them like a human.
1) Consider what you know, or can observe, about the other person, which might yield clues about what is important to them.
2) Choose the topic with greatest probability of being important to both of you, but unimportant to most other people. Example: "When I drove by your house the other day, I noticed you had numerous garden gnomes. I love garden gnomes and everyone seems to think I am crazy!" Another example: "Is it my imagination or do you have a Nova Scotian accent? You're a long way from home! I spent my summers in Nova Scotia as a child and had a blast!"
3) If you don't see a good candidate topic, ask probing questions to discover one. At the very least, you can focus your questions on things important to you in an effort to find common ground, Example: "Do you have any kids? How old are they? I also have a 3-year-old and finding good daycare in the city seems impossible! Do you have a solution?"
4) If the conversation is in danger of lagging, go back to Step 1.
That’s why sport is so great a topic. Most of what people say about sport has zero original insight. It’s just there as a way to make the bond and I wish I cared enough about sport to be able to use it for small talk.
Here’s my weird process. Practice free association. Basically, look at something in your surroundings. Say it aloud — “bench”. Say the FIRST word that pops into your head — “wood”. Now the first after that — “grain”. Keep going as fast as you are able, and go as long as you feel comfortable. It’s important to say it out LOUD — you might look like a bit of a crazy person practicing, but it builds your confidence in your own voice.
Now, when you’re headed to an event where you’ll want to make small talk, or even if you’re bored walking to work, practice this in your head. “Bus” — “driver” — “Ryan gosling” — “goose down” — doesn’t matter how goofy it is, just keep the chain going. In fact, goofier is better!
Now, when you feel the need to make small talk — and I mean make, not just respond to someone else — you play this game. Engage with your surroundings, with the person you’re talking to, and with what they’ve said. Take a moment and practice a little association. The first thing you think to say out loud to them (within reason, of course), go for it.
This works, I’ve found, much better for introverts than for extroverts — and no, extroverts are not all naturally social butterflies. This method is good for people who really just struggle with the mechanics of small talk.
As far as responding goes — responding is the easiest thing in the world, because you just need to keep engaging with what they’re saying! Doesn’t matter if it’s boring or inconsequential. Ask a question. Mention a similar experience you had.
I really recommend the classic How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie — 80 or something years old, and still a wonderful book on how to, basically, be someone people want to talk to and enjoy your time talking to people.
The question I have is why should we feel so compelled to taaaawk? I am assuming small talk is a prelude to talking, which it is in most cases, unless it is a greeting.
If a greeting, initiating ST is easy: look for clues into the other person. Whatever they are doing, you can ask the obvious indirect question: oh, you are watering plants. Or, walking your pets?
AFAIK, weather is too cliche and may appear boring or fake. Unless the weather has done sth it does not usually do, like pear-sized hailstones.
If someone initiates a greeting ST, you just go with the flow and say whatever you want. This one depends on what the initiator said. In general, you can just be yourself and speak honestly. Your metaframe should be: "this is who I am, therefore this is what I say", rather than "I am gonna respond to your initiated ST because you initiated it and I must respond".
If ST is not initiated aa a greeting, whether you want to respond to it so it becomes a real talk depends on who the initiator is.
If it is a wise person with tons of knowledge, some of which is shared by you, you will have no trouble talking because topics reveal themselves.
But if it is an imbecile with zero real erudition, what is the need to talk to such a person?
Also, talking is overrated. I talk because I want to, not because I am supposed to. If I don't want to, then I don't. In that case, I read HN or write a comment to interesting questions like yours.
How do you normally best acquire new programming skills? Video tutorials, books, online articles or perhaps podcasts?
Pick the medium that is best for you and then find resources on social skills.
One of my issues used to be understanding emotions. Several books later, I'm a much more balanced person. We tend to view charisma based skills as something that people are born with but it's not. They are just regular skills you must learn and train.
1. Have a reason for engaging. Maybe your reason is just to practice, and that's totally fine. Anything goes here. Just be conscious and confident about your reason. When your reason has been fulfilled, it's a natural time to move on rather than feeling you need to continue to talk just because.
2. When possible, ask a question of the other party. If they mention they enjoy being in their garden, I would ask them about that. What's in the garden? What do they like to do there? Asking a question gives you the power of setting the topic of conversation while making the other party feel good because they're talking about themselves and specifically something they like to talk about (because they brought it up).
Setting the topic with a question is also a good position for you to be in, because it reduces the likelihood that the conversation's going to steer into a topic you're uncomfortable with. The way they answer also gives you some insight into what they value, which can be a clue for future questions.
Beyond that, start by taking notice of someone's clothing, hair, or other notable characteristics/behaviors. Look for anything that stands out to you, and pay them a polite comment about how you noticed it.
People tend to enjoy talking about things that interest them, especially things they choose to carry/wear. And people love hearing their own name, so use it when you address them if you can.
Sports and movies are two topics you can catch up and keep up on that will give you lots to engage with people over.
Asking about family is a common topic, and those family oriented types will love you for reminding them and inquiring about their loved ones.
As a general rule, listen 80% and speak 20%. People in general like to hear themselves talk, and if you give them the opportunity, they will think you're a better conversationalist, when it's really them doing 80% of it.
When someone says something, see if you can't resonate with what they're saying and reflecting it against your own experience.
One thing I have noticed is that asking about what people do for a living is often not as interesting. Perhaps because it’s a very common opening question in America to assess whether the other person is “worthy”, people often respond with something canned and sometimes even performative. Once you get to know them a little it’s easier to have a meaningful conversation about what they do.
There are several things that can be used to keep this kind of thing afloat. Recent news, entertainment (movies, music) etc.
Usually, one of these things leads into a conversation where I can find a common interest (movies, hobby etc.) and that gives you some kind of rapport. Then you'll feel more comfortable and can talk smoothly.
This might sound weird or awkward but it gets better with practice till it becomes second nature. My main problem is these days is to start. I still have a few of a hello being rejected or being brushed aside and that gives me pause when I want to introduce myself to someone. That's how I behave on auto pilot so I have to force myself to say hello. That only happens if I'm energetic and feeling good so I try to make sure that I'm that way before getting into a situation where I need this.
The first point is, the people don't want to be alone and, instead, want to be in groups and, there, talking.
The second point is, with rare exceptions, it is inappropriate, a social mistake, to talk about anything important, to communicate anything like information, to accomplish anything or make any progress in the small talk, or, horrors, to say anything at all controversial or even very personal. So, necessarily an instance of small talk has to be short.
The third point is, use a lot of mental energy to keep with the first two points while not obviously doing so, and there can be intense competition here. E.g., need ways to end an instance of small talk that threatens to violate the rules.
There can be some gender differences: (1) The women prefer to talk about people. When talking about other people, that can be gossip. When talking about each other, that is usually about feelings. (2) Men prefer to exchange information, mostly about things.
So, a Midwest church social can partition into (1) the women talking about their own feelings or gossip about other people and (2) the men talking about things and exchanging information. So, small talk between a man and a woman will be awkward and generally constrained.
At the start of a small talk instance there can be a lot of use of just stock phrases, e.g., about the weather, and often the instance soon ends.
That's what I saw in the US Midwest!
So, a first mistake in trying to understand such small talk is to try to find ways to make the instance interesting, productive, significant, meaningful, engaging, etc. NO!!!! Nearly all of that is deliberately forbidden by the first two points!!!
As someone else said here, start with a standard set of things. I often talk about the weather. Keep track of how the weather has been and make a remark about it ("It's been hot our recently, hasn't it", etc).
It's also important to consider greetings when you start a conversation. I talk to people on the street a lot (it helps that I live in a small town). At first, build familiarity just by smiling and saying, "Good morning" or hello. I have a very firm personal rule that if I pass someone older than me on the street and there are very few people around, I will smile and say "Hello". Smiling is very important, so don't forget that. After a few times, you can try your opening observation and see if they respond. If they don't, just let it go. If they do, try for a very small conversation (one or two sentences is absolutely fine!)
But the real trick is to transition into questions. Most people like talking about themselves and their preferences. You need to cultivate a curiosity about the other person. If they respond to the comment about the weather, think of a follow up question, "Do you like summer", etc. It's important to listen to what they are saying and to try to ask a question that is relevant to that that thing. It really takes a fair bit of practice, so don't be discouraged if you find it difficult.
The other important thing to consider is how to close the conversation. Once you get to an awkward silence, or if you just want to bail (which is totally fine), you need to learn how end the conversation and move on. This is also surprisingly difficult. Again, smiling is really important. If you are not used to smiling, practice smiling so that it more or less feels normal. Then just say something like "I'll talk to you later".
If find that elderly people are often very lonely and are very good conversation partners. Just walk down the street to find some. Or go to a bar and find someone drinking by themselves. Another thing you can do if you have time is to volunteer at a retirement home.
If you find yourself in parties, my advice is to pace yourself. Take opportunities, but don't feel that you have to stay for hours on end just because you think you have to mingle. Talk to a few people and when you've had enough, go home. Make sure to thank your host and be fairly candid about appreciating being invited, but that you have a low party threshold.
One last piece of advice that I think I got from the anime for "Sangatsu no lion" (Out like a lion). If you are having trouble meeting and making friends, start by making an animal friend. Then make a friend who is older than you. Then make a friend that is that same age as you. It's kind of like leveling up -- making friends in your peer group can actually be stressful and difficult for a lot of people.
This not-so-serious German article has 9 questions you could try asking instead:
https://www.bento.de/haha/smalltalk-zehn-alternativen-fuer-d...
I've tried this by prefacing it with "So I read this article about what to ask instead of small talk...", and obviously people will be intrigued and ask "So what were the questions?"
Translation of the questions:
1. What song would you pick to describe your hometown? - Like "Where are you from? Did you like it there?" but more interesting.
2. If you were a part of a car, which part would you be? - Better than animals or superheroes. If they say steering wheel, maybe they're a control freak?
3. Who would you bite first if you were a zombie?
4. Which movie title would you pick to describe yourself?
5. Muesli (cereal) and then milk in the bowl, or milk and then muesli? (The author writes if they answer milk first, they've lost control of their lives)
6. If you could read a book that tells you how the rest of your life will go, would you read it? - Is the person someone who wants to be prepared, or do they prefer the unkonown?
7. Which character of yours would you definitely want to pass down to your kids? And which do you not want to pass down? - This is basically asking "What are your strengths and weaknesses".
8. What would the perfect drug do to you? - "What would you be if not you?"
9. How and where would you get rid of a body? - You want this to be a memorable conversation, right? And it would be a starting point for your relatives to search for you.
I tried this at a company event at a dinner, where we were socializing with colleagues from other locations and their spouses.
That said, I do hope I get to answer some of these questions soon.
Seriously though, small talk is fleeting. You pick a generic subject (Something like: what's up? How are you doing? (if the person is doing something interesting) What are you doing? How does it work? Why are you doing that?). Just ask questions, don't get too personal at first. Pick up on clues, ask about what you hear. Keep it light. Backchannel a bit ("oh, I see", "uh-huh", nod, etc), but don't overdo it.
Oh, and practice, preferably with people that you know well.
TM Clubs can vary quite a bit in their quality and philosophy, and in places like the Silicon Valley, there are tons of them, so it might be worth exploring a few of them before joining one (or deciding it's not for you).
I tried having comfortable silences with my coworkers. Some like it, some just go insane. It kind of depends on the person - maybe some people never learn to appreciate the silence.
Such as at the coffee (fika) break. It might be okay to just be silent. All you are going to talk about is rather obvious in either case.
Talk to more people. Humans are not state machines (?)
Basically, you have to learn to not have to think about initiating or responding to small talk. It has to just be second nature, and if you keep thinking "What should I say?", then you're sabotaging yourself before you've even started. By consciously thinking about small talk, your mind will overwork itself and you won't be as spontaneous. You might even hesitate when no hesitation is warranted.
Small talk actually isn't that hard, and this is coming from someone who is known as being quiet and reserved. When small talk is hard, it's our self-consciousness and insecurities getting in the way. Once you manage to get over yourself, small talk is really simple and can be basically anything small.
If you need practice that has a low risk of embarrassment, it's good to practice with old people because they are usually glad to have someone talk to and, in my experience, they have the humility to not give you the stink eye if you say something dumb. People at grocery store checkouts are good, too, and they can be either the clerks or the patrons themselves. You can make a simple remark about an item someone's buying, or even make suggestions based on what they're buying.
Just say anything! Well, almost anything. It's small talk, so obviously it's not good to bring up complex, serious, or very controversial subjects. Lose the "filter" that's preventing you from just making innocuous comments on things. I'm not going to tell you exactly what to say because small talk is very context dependent, so remarks about the weather can either be boring and cliche or the perfect way to break the silence.
There are some good kinds of questions that work I find work generally well, and they all share a theme of relatability. Everyone relates to technology, and remarks either praise or scoff at technology will generally get a response.
Is there a some relatively non-partisan current event in the news? Ask the other person what they think about it. People really love that.
"What do you think about <some song> getting banned being played on the radio?" Everyone's got opinions and strangers will usually take up your conversation.
Make a positive comment about a thing that a person owns, but be genuine about it. Those are just a few examples.
If you've got a "shower thought" that fits the context, just go with it. And if that seems bad to you, then you really need to work on losing your filter.
The moral of the story is to lose the filter. Everything after that is mostly up to you, and you can develop your own style that works with your personality, voice, and body.
Like I said, it takes lots of practice, and nobody out there has a formula that's going to turn you from someone who can't make small talk into someone who does.
My suggestion is instead to focus your thinking on observing your gut reactions in social settings. As an engineer you often have to suppress that in order to focus on rational decision-making, but your gut is still there, and it's highly attuned to reading other people. You can use that to your advantage by learning to pay attention to it when you need to.
That initial share of feelings gives you a sense for whether they want to talk, and what questions might work next. Those questions are where your choices get interesting.
Note that someone might be receptive even if they don't say anything interesting. If they smile and look open to talking, they probably are.
I'm waiting for questions on how to initiate breathing or blood flow. Hint: you don't need to do anything, it just happens.