Comment by angadkalra | Hacker News Reader

Comment by angadkalra | Hacker News Reader

All the posts below ignored one huge thing. I'm going to provide a list of actions that transformed my life when I was 19 and solved the problems you mentioned. How? These habits increased my confidence, calmed my mind, and increased self-awareness. Habits & systems are everything. Number 1 is the MOST important and is paramount. None of the rest will work without it:

1. https://www.reddit.com/r/nofap. Don't dismiss. No harm in trying. Do 90 days and report back how you feel. Good website: https://www.antidopamine.com/

2. Meditate every morning for 20 minutes. Try headspace app.

3. Exercise everyday (eg. strength training, sprints, BJJ/Muay Thai, sports, yoga, etc.)

4. Clean up your diet. No garbage, processed food. Eat naturally. Lean meat, veggies, some fruit. No fast-food, no bullshit. Health body => Healthy mind.

5. Sleep on time and sleep enough.

6. Practice what you suck at. Every day. Practice practice practice. I want you to fail over and over again, get back up, and fight again. Warrior mentality.

7. Write in a journal everyday to track progress/create a plan/identify problems.

8. Quit all social media and anything else that gives your brain dopamine hits. Remove all addictions from your life. It's wasting precious time you could spend improving yourself.

EDIT: I thought of more..

9. Make sure you allocate time everyday where you disconnect from technology. This is a good time to practice social skills, exercise, read, write, cook, take a walk and think. Solitude is essential for health.

10. Google "Discipline Equals Freedom" and Jocko Podcast. He has great books and I suggest reading them.

Basically, remove bad habits & people, create/add good ones, practice what you suck at, and take care of your body & mind.

If you need help, comment below and we can figure out a way to talk privately.

Good list.

Having done a lot of professional tech mentorship, and fitness/nutrition coaching, I can also say that a lot of people who've asked me for help make it into 1-3 items of a similar list I have, and back off, and then.. typically, come back 6-9 months later and report that they have the same issues, feel the same way, and now feel kind of bad about themselves having failed to achieve/change more.

It's an axiom in coaching that you can't get people to do things, that you can only offer up suggestions/solutions and those who are ready will jump on it. I think this is pretty true. I also think that if you're on the bubble, and you want change but aren't quite sure if you'll really stick with it, making enough change can be a turning point. Something will click when you do enough, and that click can be the moment when you really want it, because you have seen a bit of change.

But, in short you have to be pretty ruthless for yourself to transform, and that usually also means disconnecting from some of your legacy commitments (friends, amount of social time, drinking, etc).

> in short you have to be pretty ruthless for yourself to transform

More about this:

- If you believe that “the most important is to be yourself”, stop. The reason you asked is because you’re ready to change not doing everything the same as before.

Then set the goals that you believe are achievable to you but find somebody that you can report about them. Once you achieve them, also confirm that they stick (that that wasn’t “once”). Etc.

But also: seek a help of a Cognitive Behaviour therapist. Evidence based. As scientific as it can be. Read other comments here about it, and search elsewhere.

I want to offer an alternative interpretation on the "be yourself" mantra, because I think there is some wisdom there. You first have to "know thyself", which is difficult, because I don't think introspection is natural to our monkey-brains. Our minds, with all of the peculiar characteristics that have emerged over human history, make it difficult to evaluate ourselves accurately, in the same artists have a hard time judging the quality of their work, even if it is phenomenal. After that, you actually have to strive to be yourself, and you'll likely face resistance. You've got to be creative when dealing with that, and I think the tips posted help in that regard.

I've been toying with the idea that you must attempt to live according to your principles and values, else there is inevitably be unresolved psychological tension. I don't want to get into examples to prove my assertion right now but brainstorming could be done.

Of course, this doesn't tell you what principles and values are right or wrong. Is OP right to want to be more confident? I don't know, but he believes he should and thus, stress. CBT could help. What I am fairly sure of, is that these problems won't resolve themselves until beliefs and actions start to align. So... "be yourself"

Still: if you aren‘t willing to change, you won‘t. I know some who go from one to another place where they could, but they don‘t. They stay in they same story just shortly pretending then always claiming that the others are the problem.

And I know also some who think that “being themselves“ means keep doing everything exactly like before.

In my own personal experience, I had an occasion where, almost by accident, I felt the absence of all my limiting thoughts, for a short spell.

I get what is being suggested by "be yourself", but I also think people can have a lot of layers that need to be peeled back before that's even evident, and if you propel yourself forward through action and change, one's vantage point of what "being yourself" is may have a qualitatively different aspect to it when certain kinds of limiting behaviors/ beliefs/ habits are excised from one's life, because they're also excised from their mental identification map. Those connections may not be relevant.

I think I might've stretched what is traditionally meant by "be yourself" too far. The model I suggested was to take psychological pain as a hint that you are not living according to your principles. An explicit example of this would be addiction. You know it is not in your best interest to be doing a particular thing, but you do it anyways, thus psychological pain. You are not living in accordance to what you aspire to be, and I would call who you aspire to be "yourself", which would help resolve inner conflict.

Many layers are always being peeled back, because it's an inherently hard problem. I mean, how should I act/live and what is the purpose?! It's not clear, but my idea is that psychological pain (or lack of) can be a compass as to whether our answers are on the right track. Being willing to change and shedding the limiting beliefs you identify with is part of realizing and discovering one's self.

That being said, whether one's beliefs and principles are justified will always remain an open question. I don't doubt that it's possible to have terrible beliefs and realize one's self as a smug asshole. I don't think (hope?) most of us would be comfortable with that.

> my idea is that psychological pain (or lack of) can be a compass as to whether our answers are on the right track.

You obviously didn't have any serious contact with the people who have psychological problems:

Some actually have psychological pain almost constantly, unless they do something that distracts them from that, but even bigger pain if they try to change anything. That's the "loop" in which they live and from which they believe there's no escape (it's also one of excuses for developing addictions). And the escape can be: surviving the bigger initial pain coming from their attempt to change. That's why they need help, at best from good professionals, like CBT is supposed to be. Their everyday environment (including the people closest to them) is often also a problem typically contributing to them being “trapped” in the loop.

It's really a very hard topic. Even the whole big groups of people (i.e. those that identify themselves with political parties) in the whole nations often live in some big denials (1), exactly staying in the "loop" where they even support them to "be themselves" in the sense of not having introspection and courage to change themselves to the better. Which would mean that they should reevaluate their "values" and not stick to them.

It's that hard. And I'm intentionally addressing your claim "you must attempt to live according to your principles and values." I don't agree. You must be ready to constantly question "your principles and values." They aren't absolute truths, you've just acquired them from your environment and these very values can be destructive both to you and often to other people that depend on your actions.

------

1) And I can name you some really big denials constantly kept in both of the two most influential U.S. parties, for example.

I agree wholeheartedly, and hoped to get across everything you said. I took care to mention in the bottom of both of my posts that your beliefs can be wrong/misguided, and CBT could help with something related to self-esteem. I don't know if could stretch that into political beliefs. I also don't think principles and self is a static thing. I should've been more explicit about that.

I'm not really proposing a solution, just an observation that these things, who you aspire to be/principles vs. how you live your life, seem to be coupled with psychological problems.

I think we are pretty much on the same page honestly.

I would add that it is important to practice acceptance and self love. A lot of times lists like this give the sense or feeling that you can't slip or mess up. It's important to remember that you're human, you will make a mistake or slip up, and that it's ok. Practicing accepting those moments, being kind to yourself, getting back on track and continuing to make progress.

Remind yourself that you're not alone in this struggle and that any setback is just temporary and sometimes necessary so you can keep pushing.

I second this. But would like to add one note: if you can't do it all at once, that's ok! And also, do therapy.

I've started a similar journey 6 years ago, and have been doing some of those things here, some there, sometimes none of them at all, but always coming back to the good habits. Sleep, healthy lifestyle, healthy body and healthy mind. Some times it seemed like I was making huge progress, sometimes it felt like I was back to the hole again. But it was all progress!

And one last thing that has made all the difference in the past two years: therapy. I went to the doctor, said I had all those issues and started working on them. Been on at least three therapists in the past two years, still think I'm gonna seek another one soon, but the progress I've made through therapy has been invaluable.

I've tried meditation on multiple occasions, using Headspace and other apps, as well as without any outside input. I've consistently meditated for over a month at times, but after that month, I still _hated_ it. I'm not someone who usually has a hard time getting into the habit of something, but I've never been able to get into meditating, and I never noticed any positive effects.

Do you have any thoughts on my experiences?

What did you specifically hate about meditation?

It makes me insane to sit still doing nothing for that long, which I think is kind of the point -- that you have to sit with your thoughts. But I don't have any issues sitting with my thoughts, I just don't like having to do nothing, and since I didn't see any benefits after a month+, it felt really pointless.

So I guess the short answer is, a combination of restlessness and feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere.

That may be part of what you are missing with meditation. You want to have no thoughts and be in tune with your surroundings.

The technique taught to me was this.

1) Start with eyes closed and listen your surroundings. If there's a bird let it in, do not try to tune out sounds, but accept them lile a radio in the background.

2) Start at your feet and sense or feel them for about 10 seconds. Slowly move up your body, legs, arms, chest head. Sense every part of your body.. focus on it.

3) When you reach the top of your head Relax and focus on your surroundings... the wind, the feelings...

Should take about 20 minutes.

Well, that’s the point: You ‘expected’ your mind to be ‘calm’, and when your mind don’t do it what you want, you frustrated. Meditation shouldn’t be about ‘forcing’ your mind to be calm, but to let it calm, naturally. Like the muddy water in the glass, when you left it still enough, the silt will go the bottom, and the water’s clear.

What you might do instead, other than focus your mind in your body somewhere(or your breathe) is just ‘observe’ your mind as it is, like when you observe other people. Is your mind confusing?, can’t stop thinking?, fine, be whatever it want. Is your mind calm?, that’s fine, too, but don’t expect it to be calm forever, because it won’t, and that’s also fine. You don’t judge it, you don’t expect what you want to feels because you heard other people said that. You just observe it with non-judgemental, neutral feeling.

In fact, don’t even care about how long you’ve practice it, because that also raise the expectation ‘Why did my mind is not calm even after months+ of practice?’ and it’ll pressure you to force your mind to calm even more. Some day you feel good, some day you feel sleepy, some day you confusing, and that’s ok

— you just did it, everyday.

My mentor said that your mind is like growing a tree, you can’t force it to grow into giant tree instantly. You just water it, everyday. The change is not even noticeable, but after awhile when you look back, you’ll see how much the plant growth.

The peaceful feeling will come naturally when your mind is ready enough.

Good luck mate!

https://slatestarcodex.com/2018/11/28/book-review-the-mind-i...

Good list. Would also add that when you are first learning something expect failure at it as it is part of the learning process. Get feedback from someone who has done what you are trying to learn and learn from feedback. Self confidence and self esteem are dependent functions. Get rid of distractions in life. Get rid of people who do not bring you joy. Help people. Be kind.

I support this.

Oh yeah, also, start small! Pick like 3 things and set small goals (e.g For 7 days, I will do this, this, and this). You build confidence through accomplishments. So set small goals, accomplish, and then set a slightly bigger goal and start again! This is a life long journey, you will fail, we all do, get back up, dust off, and fight.

gonna need an explanation on how no fap is related to self esteem doc.

https://www.antidopamine.com/nofap/confidence/

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-articl...

Just a word of caution. This has been discussed previously couple of times on HN.
There are some pseudo scientific stuff there but also some interesting points.
Take it with a grain of salt and make your own decision before jumping on any of these bandwagons

For reference:

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5051892

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5946727

Thanks for the insight, much appreciated!

Yeah, I can't understand the no fap cult. Having a strong sex drive and finding it overwhelming at times is just the way humans are made. Wanting to look at porn and nudity, those are pretty much the way humans have been forever. As an example, look at the life of ben franklin 250 years ago, who like a lot of our founding fathers had a very active 'secret' sex life [1], [2]. Almost everyone is like that, in that at times they feel like they are obsessed with sex. If you can't ever get out of bed and do anything but look at porn, that's a problem; but it's just who we are as human beings that we sometimes do a manual override.

All that other advice people give about exercise, doing just a little bit of stuff you want every day, getting therapy - I'm all for that. But cut yourself a break too, you are a human animal.

[1] https://www.biography.com/news/benjamin-franklin-ladies-man-...

[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice_to_a_Friend_on_Choosing...

What profession do you operate in?

I'm a Machine Learning Engineer for a healthcare startup in Toronto. Just finished my MSc in CS.

Forgive my Canadian Inquisition but is having fun considered a dopamine hit?

Thank you for sharing this.

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