Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

You should sit with your other co-founder(s) and present your current predicament just as you've done here. Your subsequent conversation should be weighing the cost (to the startup) of you leaving to go back to back to big tech vs. you staying and cutting back on your time commitment/responsibilities to where you find some balance. Hopefully, you all have a good enough relationship where you can be open, direct and honest with each other on how palatable a compromise is to all parties.

You should consider and be ready to address questions like how long is the cut back on commitment going to last, how will it affect whatever targets/milestones you guys have on the drawing board, will it impact your equity in the startup?

The guilt is a natural feeling, but you shouldn't let that stop you from ultimately doing what is right. If there is no balance to be found and you have to choose between your family and your startup, leave...just don't do it without giving your co-founder(s) an opportunity to chime in. I would encourage any valuable team member (or co-founder) in your position to take whatever time they needed, and even consider a temporary hire to offload work in the interim.

This seems like a textbook "good answer" from the book "Difficult Conversations".

Don't try and figure out how people will think in the isolation of your own mind. To quote Wittgenstein: look and see! Or in this case, ask and see!

Indeed!

You may find your co-founders say, "We have a good runway. Let's increase your salary temporarily / issue you a bonus to help offset the increased expenditures. Is there a way for us to adjust our hours to better accommodate your needs? How do we take more off your plate so you can focus on your family, and only work on the most important things for the business with the time remaining?"

FWIW- This is also why finding the right co-founders matters a lot. Having deep trust with your co-founders so that you can have these types of difficult conversations matters a lot.

That is one of my favourite books, it completely changed the way I think and continues to. I often wish it was more widely read.

Just looked up the book (which i hadn't heard of), and it looks like its worth reading. Thanks for mentioning it!

One of their other books, "Thanks for the Feedback", is also reading I regularly recommend as a part of my mentoring program.

Do a good job as a parent, and ignore any demand on you that threatens to compromise that. If switching jobs makes you a better parent, switch. You will get other opportunities to lead startups, and you will never get this time with your children back.

In addition, the presence and close involvement of a loved one can have dramatic effects on medical outcomes. Here, the tradeoff may be choosing between saving a startup and saving a child. Seems a no-brainer when weighed this way.

Aggressive prioritization. The hours you work don't matter. What matters is if you get the job done. Be effective. Thankfully (i think) you're in a position to be judged on your effectiveness and not other criteria. As you only have to convince yourself, you co-founder and the rest of the team. It might be a chance to change the culture too. It's not about hours worked. It's about whether the work helps the company. Lots of effective hours pays off. But some effective hours are worth more than many many wasted hours. This is something that often gets lost.

Delegate to others the stuff they could do. Do only what is important. Be flexible with yourself and others.

Family matters and so does what you do with your life. Remember, life is a marathon, not a sprint. There are no prizes for getting to the end first. Look after yourself and make the best decision you can. Best of luck

*Edit. Predictive text fail

I had to face something similar. I certainly didn't consider leaving to go back to something less intense, I just ramped up cutting out everything that wasn't family and startup. Not for everyone but eventually I made it sustainable. I would surface the concerns to your co founders. If they don't have kids, it's harder to understand, but this is the kind of thing where they will generally have already noticed so a conversation will be welcome.

> I feel guilty leaving the company and the team, and worried it could really set the company back at this crucial stage.

You shouldn't feel guilty of that. You get one chance at life, a job is a job, it's here to bring money to take care of yourself / your loved ones. What's the point of working if you don't even get time to take care of your family ?

Try to project yourself in 20 years, what will you think looking back at this decision ? "I'm sad I let down my company" or "I'm sad I let down my family" ? Especially as engineer, it's not like it's your only career possibility. You can fuck up professionally 10 times in a row without a major impact on your life, you don't get to fuck up your family life.

Also, what @ossie said, if you can find a balance without leaving the startup, go for it.

I don’t know your situation, but all I’d say is being okay keeping a flexible schedule that fits your life and family needs is the most important thing. The 9-5 in the office normal job is actually worse for situations like these than what you could have in a startup.

If you aren’t able to keep consistent hours then putting in a Saturday morning or Sunday night to make up for it is totally fine in my book, assuming you are a truly irreplaceable asset to the company.

It’s hard work to get to a place where you’re confident in your flexible schedule and still get great work done when measured in terms of results not consistent time spent in the office. That feeling won’t go away either when the startup matures. If anything it will get worse, especially when you start delegating!

I went through something similar. I'm a cofounder at a small startup and had a difficult health scare with myself, my wife and both kids, all around the same time.

Ceritnaly no right answer, and it was hell at the time, but looking back, here's a few things:

My cofounder took care of my many shortcomings during that time, no questions asked. He also has a family (which may help in that mutual understanding) but he'd get tasks with no context and say "don't worry, I'm on it" and it just got done. I hope you can get to this point with your other founders.

Your startup is more resilient than you think. I missed many things during that time, respond badly to emails, missed calls and we came out the other end alive. I realized we weren't as fragile as I thought. Ironically some of those missed calls and poor emails still turned into customers. Your startup will be able to handle you making mistakes and being less involved when needed.

I took me a long time to get back to "normal". It felt like chaos for almost 9 months and at some point, it may feel like the chaos will never end. You need to know that it will get better and you will begin to feel sane, even though it may take a while.

This may controversial, but the family and startup are not mutually exclusive, so I never think of it in terms of balance. The fact that you started a company means you're probably happier there than at a large company, being happier makes you a better husband and father and family unit, and that family unit will be your support through the ups and downs of building a company.

Good luck, you can do it.

I completely relate to your situation and am living it myself- I am also the technical cofounder at a promising seed stage company. While the magnitude of my commitments was far less than yours (girlfriend vs wife+kid), it was only when I failed at one (girlfriend broke up/moved out) that I really got perspective on the other one. I had an honest conversation with my cofounders about my work-life balance last month and am already seeing the positive benefits. I made a renewed commitment to myself, and my strictly limited 8 hours of work have started feeling much more productive.

I hope this helped and wish all the best to you and your daughter.

It sounds like your family comes first to you. If you were to explain your situation and decision to your team the same way you’ve done here, I’m sure they would understand. My advice would be to plan your exit with this in mind, and try to make decisions that are best for your family, ignoring the impact on your company. Once you have your plan, do right by your company by communicating it as clearly as possible. They’ll adapt to your absence, and perhaps even find a way to become stronger in the face of losing you.

Your question is « how to think about it », not about receiving a pre-cooked answer.

My suggestion is to think about it strategically. Make a diagnostic (what is wrong and why), derive principles (what are the truly important rules to observe if you want to fix things), finally build a corresponding action plan (what you need to do, and in what order). Rewalk these steps regularly. Talk with your family and partners. Guilt will go away if you stand on principles you believe in. Good luck!

You should talk to your wife and come up with a plan with her.

Give 100% priority to your daughter and wife, and see where that is going to lead you.

Family much more important if it’s not possible to handle both responsibilities at the appropriate levels of attention needed.

As others have said, put family always first. Still talk to your co-founders, there is a high chance they'll be understanding, if not, you're better off knowing that early. I'd never personally stick with anyone who doesn't put a child with health difficulties before job.

I wish your girl all the best!

Could you delegate? I was a founding CTO and had a shift to prioritize family also about two years in. Hand off what you can, more Manager than Maker.

Ultimately I left but to do another startup - with more flexible time.

Thanks all for your thoughtful suggestions and advice - they are really helpful in thinking through this situation

Family should come first. Sit down with your team and have an honest conversation.

yes Family first

Talk to the team. Consider going part-time and bring someone else in.

pretty easy actually. get a normal job. your startup isn’t headed for success if you think you can do it with 5 people for 2 years.