Ask HN: How to speak confidently

For public speaking, Toastmasters.

It's an excellent environment to learn. You are usually not with people you work with (unless you go to a club that is inside your company - which I would not recommend). Not being with people who are your co-workers - gives you the freedom to screw up.[1]

For a book on public speaking, I highly recommend this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Speaking-Secrets-Masters-Techniques-Pr...

Because it has a lot of different perspectives and views on how to do it.

If you go up to the mike at a public meeting and ask a question or state an opinion, that is public speaking. Try it, it's kinda scary but you might get addicted to it.

For conversation, the best technique I've learned to start a conversation - don't start with a question - that puts the person on the spot right away (for example - 'What do you like about this painting?' - what if they don't like the painting?, 'What books are you reading?' - what if they don't read books?). If you ask a question, you are asking someone to contribute right away - you need to start the conversation - you did approach him or her right? Instead, start with a context-sensitive statement ('I like the brushstrokes in the painting. It makes me feel like I'm watching an action movie.' - 'I don't read enough books. I feel like I need to find a new genre to read').

Also, for conversation, avoid the "God perspective". A lot of people make this mistake in conversation. See, I just intentionally used the "God perspective". Let me try again - "I feel that a lot of people try to come across as experts - especially when meeting new people - 'This restaurant is the best' and sometimes I think it backfires and just makes them seem insecure, seeking approval'.

Practice hearing people talk about feelings. From guys talking about their favorite team to women talking about shopping, there is always an undercurrent. The secret to relating to someone, to getting along with someone is to acknowledge how they feel and tell them how you feel.

[1] Also http://rejectiontherapy.com

This is a great question. I'll share a couple thoughts and experiences.

1. A great post was written by Paul Buchheit that called things like fear of public speaking, which may be an inflamed variation of fear of conversation, 'ego-fear'. While this may not be technically correct, it could be a useful psychological framework. See post here: http://paulbuchheit.blogspot.com/2010/10/serendipity-finds-y....

2. When I was young I was very nervous around girls, and hated public speaking. Along the way I became pretty good with girls and captain on my debate team. The key ingredients were a willingness to keep trying to improve and being willing to shrug off failure. The first times I approached women I was an absolute fool but I eventually improved by gaining a sense of what's socially viable. With regards to public speaking, I was very nervous when I started out. But, once I had looked like a quite a few times, I got pretty good and ended up being the leader of several organizations in high school and college.

3. A friend of mine who is quite brilliant but very introverted suggested the book "The Game," which basically describes how to hack romance. I wouldn't suggest applying this book to your love life, but some of its insights might be worth checking out. When you understand that your interactions with other people of the same sex are often as complex as those of the opposite, it becomes a fundamentally different (and often more tractable) problem. My friend read this book, saw some therapists, and was willing to look like a fool the first couple times as he talked to girls and publicly spoke. He's now dating a beautiful girl and gave something like 300 public speeches our senior year while the president of one of my college's biggest organizations.

So, my experience has been that repetitive practice and willingness to learn are key ingredients to improving and conquering what may be related fears. Funny how this seems to be the formula for success with almost anything.

The game was a wonderful read! Although I wouldn't use it as an instructional but more in terms of a way to see what you're going to expect as you dive into the world of pick-up. Check out www.realassanova.com and www.krauserpua.com

EDIT: The last sentence of point 2 should read, "once I had looked like a fool quite a few times." Foolish of me to have left that out.

Practice with strangers.

I know there's Toastmasters, etc., but having had the same problem, what worked for me was simply forcing myself outside my comfort zone and talking more. Say hello to strangers, mention the weather, silly stuff like that. Soon enough you find yourself more confident.

Actual exercises that they teach in "active listening:" paraphrase what the other person is saying ("so you're telling me that I should be sure to attach the cover sheet to my TPS reports from now on? OK, I will"); listen closely and think of 3 questions to ask.I'm a firm believer that before you can be a good talker you need to be a good listener.

Risk aversion has been the focus of a few HN discussions recently: http://www.google.com/search?q=site:news.ycombinator.com+rej...

This book also immediately came to mind (there are lots of great free summaries online): http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...

It's probably nothing you haven't heard before, but as they say, common sense is often not common practice. I think, in the end, you will only improve and gain confidence with practice. Some specific tactics that might help:

- Ask leading questions rather than directly stating your point.

- Before a meeting, create a mental image of yourself having successful exchanges with the other attendees.

- Work hard to be better informed/prepared than others in the meeting.

I agree with most comments, especially Toastmasters, but it sounds like you have another problem: You don't know your subject well enough.

You say you speak comfortably with your friends: compare the subjects you discuss with friends and your level of knowledge of them vs your what you know about your job. Do you know enough about the industry? Do you know what you're selling? What it's worth to the client? Strengths, weaknesses? Would you spend your own money on it? Why?

I've been in your situation before, where I barely could get a word in edge-wise even though I was expected to given my position. It was always my comfort level with the subject itself, not the setting. Imagine being in that same room and the client asks you a question about something you're intimately familiar with (your favorite topic, whatever that is). Could you answer confidently then? I bet you would.

If I had to guess I would say you need to do your homework more. You need to be able to anticipate questions and have good answers on hand. That will raise your confidence level. Internalize your company's industry and product as much as possible and then build out a plan for handling more responsibility in client meetings.

You can discuss your approach to meetings with your boss first. It would help to go over the subject matter in private (especially if it's new or constantly changing) and it would be helpful to decide which parts each of you will present.

You can also do this about Q&A: decide beforehand which areas you will cover and all questions on those topics will automatically go to you. Clearly defining your responsibilities will take a lot of the anxiety out of it.

I used to do this with my (quite senior) business partner frequently. We'd take the time to do trial runs in our own board room. It's not magic (meetings are still tough) but it helps.

If you are struggling, presenting a plan on how to handle meetings to your boss will also give you a lot of credibility. You're acknowledging that you need to contribute more and most importantly presenting a solution that will help you do that. If your boss is a good boss he/she will run with it and you'll both get what you want.

FWIW I've been through it before and came out on the other side. I'm a former marketing exec turned software engineer (the latter of which I'm infinitely better suited for) and probably share some of the personality quirks you've inherited. Before I got out of marketing completely I was considered a strong public speaker and could chair just about any kind of meeting successfully.

You're partway there by asking for help. Now you need to build out a plan and involve the people around you. It won't take long to improve the situation beyond that.