To better understand what Alan Kay is talking about it helps to know a specific fact about Smalltalk, the language he invented. Unlike in C++ or Java or JavaScript Smalltalk objects can not have public data-members. They can only have methods. Methods can read and write the "instance variables" inside the object, no-one else except the object itself can.
This means that objects can only communicate by calling methods. They can not read or write data stored into another object. Thus they are totally ignorant about the "implementation" stored inside other objects. They can "send it messages" meaning call its methods. But because all communications with an object are processed by the methods of that recipient object, the recipient object itself is wholly responsible for the MEANING and effect these method-calls have. "Message-passing" is an apt metaphor for such a thing.
This is "message passing" because it is the recipient object who must ALWAYS INTERPRET ALL messages it receives. Therefore method-calls have the semantics of "messages".
Whereas in Java and C++ and JavaScript the caller of an object can also directly modify other objects without the object being modified being "aware" it is being modified. The "meaning" of such modifications is then determined by whoever makes them. Say I store into your object the property "you.age = 253". But what does that mean what does that signify? Only the other object which stored that value "knows" why it did that, what it "means" what implications it should have for the later progress of the program.
So even though in Java etc. you can implement message-passing simply by calling methods, you can also do other things to the object from their outside than only send them "messages". An Object-Oriented language according to Alan Kay (according to me) then is one where the only way objects can communicate with other objects is by calling methods i.e. by message passing, never by modifying the objects directly from their outside.