Son, as soon as someone puts their hands on you... | Hacker News Reader

Son, as soon as someone puts their hands on you...

sebastianmarshall.com

443 pointskapilkaisare354 comments

I firmly believe that earnest efforts to suppress any and all physical violence in schools has created an environment where bullies are able to operate without repercussion.

Good kids don't "fight". It's so ingrained into the head of the good kids that they are terrified of fighting even to defend themselves.

Thus, bullies get to bully with no fear. There's no consequence. Whereas when a weaker kid fights back, even if the bully is strong enough to "win" the battle, he still gets hit in the mouth and does not like it. Bullies much prefer low-hanging fruit that doesn't fight back.

My children, when school age (maybe not 1st grade, but certainly by junior high), will be sat down and have the following explained to them:

"You are allowed to defend yourself. You will avoid physical conflict whenever possible, but should you ever be physically threatened or subject to ongoing torment, you have the GREEN LIGHT to use physical force to protect yourself, OR to assist a friend who is unable to protect themselves."

"You may get in trouble with your school. THIS IS OK. Your well-being is more important than their rules. If you get suspended for three days, then I'll take three days off work and we'll keep up with your studies. I will be on your side. Do not let concern over the school rules stop you at all from defending yourself."

"However, you will never use force to do anything but protect yourself or your friend. If I find that YOU have been the aggressor, I will smite you."

I'll probably need to work on that speech a bit between now and then, but you get the idea. :)

I was lucky. I was never the small or weak one. Even still, I can think back to a couple of situations where fear of parental response prevented me from protecting myself as well as I should have. My children will have it made known to them that they will not be "assumed guilty" when a situation comes up where they physically defend themselves. No aggression towards others will be tolerated, but they will be trusted to properly use their discretion, and until they prove themselves guilty, they will be assumed innocent.

Im curious why you draw that conclusion, and also what things were like when you were in school. Did you get in any fights? Were fights frequent in your school.

The reason I ask is that I think I'm a bit older than the average HN reader (pushing 40). When I went to school, fights were certainly not encouraged, but the occasional lunchtime or after-school fight was not at all unusual. And there was definitely bullying.

It wasn't any kind of indoctrination that kept their victims from fighting back. It was pure and simple fear! Most of the bullies were either physically larger than their victims, or just had a way of projecting an aggressive, intimidating presence that had most of the other kids reluctant to throw down with them.

Now I agree that a good punch was (and probably still is) a good individual tactic for getting a bully to leave you alone. What I disagree with is what I believe is your assertion that it's some kind of recent policy change that makes bullying possible or causes it to flourish in some way.

A policy of allowing or even encouraging physical violence isn't going to end or discourage bullying. Human behavior isn't that simple, real world solutions aren't that black and white.

Bullying didn't suddenly "spring" into existence when schools started earnestly preventing violence. Bullying has existed longer than human history. You see it in all human societies, and all even in animals.

Bullying is, according to the media, "on the rise". You only need to a simple Google search to find an army of articles dated 2010 that make this claim.

Is it true? It's my outsider's perception that there is some truth to it. It's my perception as the husband of a schoolteacher that it is. But my eyes cannot gaze upon all the schools in the country. However, the combination of the anecdotal evidence of my wife's school combined with the national media suggests to me that I am not far off. (Even though I recognize the media's fondness of latching onto a story that is guaranteed to draw attention)

Nowhere did I state that this trend has caused bullying. I am only saying that it has affected bullying.

I am also not necessarily putting a timeline on when things changed. I simply don't have the data for that. But I am looking at schools as they look in 2010 and I am seeing a lot of examples/stories of bullies operating with impunity. And it seems at least to be much more so than in my school days.

The one thing I can state as an absolute fact is that bullying is an extremely hot topic among teachers and school boards. I have to think that there is more than just bully status quo behind that.

I'm not sure that it's on the rise. I haven't studied hard data on the issue enough to really make a statement like this, but personally I suspect that other changes in society have left kids less able to deal with bullying, and that's why it's prominence in the media is on the rise. There are so many diagnoses of mental and emotional illnesses, medications to fix them, etc... I think the prominence of things like this just teaches kids that it's not their problem, it's just a "syndrome" they suffer from. While some of it may be true, we've lost a sense of how to "deal with it". I think that spills over into how people deal with bullying. They can't handle the fact that they're being bullied, and that ends up pushing them in the direction of suicide, which I think is horrible. (I mean no disrespect to the families of those who have recently been through this). I don't think bullying has gone up, but I think children are now being raised in an environment where they haven't learned to deal with their problems head on.

I was bullied a ton as a kid, and I was always told to "tell and adult", or just ignore it, but this guy is right - there are some bullies who want to hurt you, and you ignoring it or telling and adult just makes them want to hurt you even more. I learned to change the way I did some things so as not to attract the attention of bullies, etc... and solve some problems non-violently, but there absolutely was a time when I had to have enough of a back-bone to make a solid decision about when enough was enough. That fixed the remaining problems - but I still look back at that as an experience I could have solved much sooner if I had just been smarter about it. The bullies shouldn't have done what they did, but it was my problem and I needed to deal with it.

> Bullying didn't suddenly "spring" into existence when schools started earnestly preventing violence.

He's not claiming otherwise. He's explaining how he's going to keep his kid from being bullied.

> schools started earnestly preventing violence

Assumes facts not in evidence..... (A policy isn't a result.)

> What I disagree with is what I believe is your assertion that it's some kind of recent policy change that makes bullying possible or causes it to flourish in some way.

The policy change is that bully's victims will be punished if they resist? It lets bullies say "go along or the school will come down on you". Why do you think that such a change doesn't encourage bullies? (The policy change doesn't affect the bully's punishment.)

Yes, there were fights before, but since there are still fights.... (Under the old scheme, one party might not have been punished for a fight. Under the new scheme, both parties are, but since the instigator wasn't deterred by the threat of being punished in the past, it's unclear why you think that the changed policy, which mandates punishment for someone else, would deter the instigator.)

I'm 35, and was frequently bullied at school. The one thing they took notice of was when I fought back. In one case I went to the hospital to get checked out with a black eye and several other marks, and severely bruised lips after going up against an older boy that was a head taller than me. But he got bruised badly too, and had the humiliation of being made by his parents to come and apologize, and he stayed clear of me for months afterwards. It was worth it to me.

I was never small, but I was overweight. Not the fattest kid in school, but bullies are rather indiscriminate morons.

The 3rd or 4th day of high school, I got into a fight. It was a proper fist fight, we went to the ground and a teacher separated us. We got pardoned because ours was the first fight of the school year - I'm not sure why they pardoned us, maybe it was because we were friends and covered each others asses or maybe it was naivety but the fight happened in front of like 50 kids.

What happened? We both got a 'reputation' because everybody knew about our fight, no bullies targeted us - but we were both complete and utter nerds.

It took another couple of years before anyone targeted me for bullying, but by this time I was in a strong group of friends. We had a lot of camaraderie when it came to anyone insulting our group. We fought with each other, got into actual fist fights, but there was hell would anyone outside our group start a fight. The guy was a jockish type bully, utterly moronic (he'd failed everything for basically 3 years) and more importantly had cronies. He targeted me, but him and 2 others weren't a match for 12 kids, 4 of which (myself included) were the base of our winning tug-of-war team (5 years in a row total domination) even though we were the lightest team in the school. To put it simply, we kicked the crap out of them - no one went too far we just put them to the ground and kept them there.

What happened? I didn't get bullied again in highschool. We did, however, all get dragged into the headmasters's office with all the deputy-heads of the school because they thought we were a gang. Interestingly, none of us got a suspension, or even a detention for that. We silenced the bullies, I don't think one of them got in a fight for the rest of the year.

I was never a bully, I never called anyone names. The few times I had been in a fight outside of bullying, I never threw a punch. I got 1 kid suspended for a week and given an expulsion warning, because I didn't throw a punch back.

I would personally be okay if my kid responded to a bully with his fist. But I agree, hell-hath-no-fury like a pissed off dad if I found out my kid was a bully.

I've had essentially this conversation with my son. Mine breaks down to:

  - Attempt to walk away from verbal abuse.
  - If it gets physical, fight like hell until the threat stops, then walk away.

Your goal is not to "win" or injure, your goal is to walk away.

Coming from a larger geek here. In many cases the threat stops immediately but it doesn't change the nature of the abuse. I had other kids hit me in the face and run away. If I pursued them I was the bully. So I was left with two options; pursue and be the monster, or get used to being hit unexpectedly.

With all the highlighting of bullying recently, it's reminds me that there could easily be a different dynamic here. Kids are smart and adapt to rules. If they can control someone with accusations of bullying, they will do so. Remember that being a bully isn't about size it's about abusive intent.

You can apply the same surprise-attack and bully-accusation strategies on them, can you not?

"Until the threat stops". Perfect words. That will work its way into my new and improved speech.

I agree strongly with this.

I was hardly picked on in school because I'd just ignore any teasing... and the first time I let it get to me I stabbed the bully (in class, in front of the teacher) with a pencil and sent him to the doctor.

I got off with just a chat to the headmaster... not even a very stern chat, because the staff all liked me as a good student and disliked the bully because he was a known bully. Doing the same thing now would probably lead to expulsion and charges of aggravated assault. If I had a child today I'd be telling them to make sure they drop the pencil first; using fists would probably work nearly as well, and a suspension for fighting on your school records means nothing in the real world.

It's a bit sinister, though, don't you think? If you're dealing with a vengeful bully, the threat never really stops until you've injured him enough that he will be unwilling or unable to hurt you back later.

I disagree with this. This creates a situation of; throw a punch, does he give up yet, throw another, ok, surely he wants to stop now. That's how you really get hurts. You've hit the other person so the fight so it's on, and now you're stopping.

Personally I would advice that you do whatever you can to avoid a fight, but if you must fight you go until the other person is incapacitated or you get separated (in school this happens really quick anyway). Once you start a fight all further reluctance has to go out the window or you're going to get hurt.

No, your goal is to instill fear in your enemy, not the kind of fear that makes them fight back like a wounded animal, but rather the kind of traumatic fear which makes them unlikely to treat you, or anybody else the same broken way again.

I especially like this:

"THIS IS OK. Your well-being is more important than their rules. If you get suspended for three days, then I'll take three days off work and we'll keep up with your studies. I will be on your side."

That said, I would outline this with a child subject to ongoing torment. I would not recommend brawling any time someone starts just anything as a possible once-off.

That once-off might really demand physical defense, though. It doesn't always come as a gradual build-up.

But I definitely agree that counseling proper discretion is critical. I think most "good kids" understand where the lines are. The metaphorical kid in my head is reluctant to use force even with the "green light". For a kid who might be more inclined to "brawl", a different tact may well be warranted.

I guess I'm thinking that if you react physically each time, you'll get a reputation. If you react to on-going torment after 2-5 incidents, you may do enough to dispel the physical harassment without getting a reputation as a thug.

I was bullied in the early years of high school (age 13-14 mostly). I didn't really think of it at the time, but the worst of it probably stopped around about the same time that I grabbed a guy around the neck and dragged him to the ground.

I agree fully. I was bullied as a kid. When I stood up and fought back, I may have gotten in trouble, but the bullying stopped (at least from the people I fought back against). When I tried to ignore it or brush it off, it only got worse.

And when I did get in trouble at school for fighting back, I didn't get in trouble at home because my parents knew I wasn't the instigator.

How do you protect against an arms race scenario? He hit me, I'll hit him harder; and repeat. I would agree a mostly anonymous attack can be rebuked without much consequence (unless he pulls a knife), but what about for the occasions where animosity can fester: schools, villages, etc?

For most of high school, I had the misfortune of living in the South. (I got the hell back to civilization as soon as I could.) The little town (population 6,000) didn't see too many people move in or out, and there were grudges festering left and right, and there were fights all the time.

This is purely anecdotal and based on what I saw and did, but in an environment like that, it seems to me that escalation is only a problem if you don't escalate quickly enough. If I ended up in a fight (and I probably could have resolved a lot of conflicts without fighting, but I had that perfect combination of arrogance and insecurity that plagues the teenage mind), the problems continued only if I lost easily. Some of the best advice my mother gave me was "You can at least get a sandwich if they got a meal." (Other hits from mom: "The secret ingredient is always more butter." A stout lady, most of her advice was either directly about food or used a food analogy.) If I won, or if I managed to hit hard enough in the process of losing, I'd get no more trouble, except in one pathological case. Being unskilled but kind of big, I was often able to hit hard enough; if I have anything to say about it, my kids are going to log plenty of hours in a boxing gym.

> unless he pulls a knife I carry a knife nowadays, after being in enough situations that came close enough to turning ugly that I wished I had one. I think, on general principal, that it's good for everyone to carry a weapon. A distant relative of mine who was born in the town we moved to had told me that when he was younger, in the 1940s and '50s, everyone had a gun in their jacket, "and you could tip your hat and be polite, or take turns shooting at each other." There's something to that, I think, in adult society. If there are no easy targets, if anyone you try to mug/terrorize/rape/attack/etc. can potentially end your life, then society is its own deterrent to crime. There are always irrational actors, of course, but if the crazy guy has a weapon, I want a weapon, too.

It's worth noting that in California schools, any fighting (even in self-defense) results in expulsion.

Not at all true.

===

California Education code section 48915:

(a) Except as provided in subdivisions (c) and (e), the principal or the superintendent of schools shall recommend the expulsion of a pupil for any of the following acts committed at school or at a school activity off school grounds, unless the principal or superintendent finds that expulsion is inappropriate, due to the particular circumstance: (1) Causing serious physical injury to another person, except in self-defense.

  (... the rest snipped ....)

===

Note three things:

1) "Recommend for expulsion" is not equivalent to "actual expulsion"

2) The emphasized (by me) self-defense exception.

3) "serious physical injury" does not include fighting that does not result in serious injury.

Fighting most certainly does happen on California school campuses, and they are not all getting expelled.

My kids when I have them will be in the dojo quite early in life... by the time they're in school they'll be well-trained both with the skills to defend themselves, and the ethics: self-defense is the right thing to do and bullying is never acceptable.

I honestly took martial arts for a few years when I was 8 or 9, but it didn't really teach how to deal with bullies: They weren't harming me in a physical way (one punch isn't something going to hurt you, so you don't need/get to punch back), so the self-defense training didn't allow me to actually use the martial arts I knew according to what I was taught.

It likely made me LESS likely to strike back.

http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1765682

"... Thus, bullies get to bully with no fear. There's no consequence. Whereas when a weaker kid fights back, even if the bully is strong enough to "win" the battle, he still gets hit in the mouth and does not like it. Bullies much prefer low-hanging fruit that doesn't fight back. ..."

There are always consequences, failure to prevent bullying, failure to check payback. Failure if you do nothing. The payback pattern is culturally prevalent but flawed. [0] The payback pattern might work but it escalates violence. There are better ways that allow you to hack people and their behaviour to get at the root cause at a higher level than the individual. The approach can be top down or bottom-up, it doesn't matter as long as the level of violence is reduced. This is also the inherent weakness of the solution, but it holds more promise for the greater good than payback.

"However, you will never use force to do anything but protect yourself or your friend. If I find that YOU have been the aggressor, I will smite you."

QED, the cycle repeats.

[0] Chris Bullock, "Payback out of control in Central Australia" http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/11/12/3064586.htm

"The payback pattern might work but it escalates violence."

Not all violence is payback. Defending against a Bully is one example of this. Defending yourself physically in an altercation is a violent behaviour but it is not retaliation or revenge. And as the personal anecdotes on this page reveal frequently stems the cycle of violence.

Now if you wait for days after and take revenge against the Bully then yes the violence will likely escalate. But self-defense is an entirely different thing.

My kids have been taught basic self-defense and should they ever be forced into a physical altercation have my full blessing to take whatever means are necessary to ensure they come out of the experience the victor.

Bullies thrive on the easy victim not defending yourself won't change this.

"... personal anecdotes on this page reveal frequently stems the cycle of violence. ..."

I'm really trying to look beyond the symptom and look at the root causes. Read the article I cited to see that this is not just a problem for the targeted individual but whole groups as well.

"... Bullies thrive on the easy victim not defending yourself won't change this ..."

Bullies thrive in environments where bulling is tolerated. Change the culture to make it bully-proof ~ http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/201011/r671527_4889232.jpg out than just letting having to expect kids to bear the brunt of inaction. Individual action maybe warranted, it's too much of a problem for individuals. Group action is needed as well.

If you think about HN for a moment advising every user to read & re-read http://paulgraham.com/disagree.html and prepare for an eventual verbal stoush. You defend yourself well using combinations of DH0 to DH6. The attacker moves to a less prepared target. Instead of relying on just individual users the HN community (users & code) fight back to enforce civility. The same ideas can be applied to bullies and targets, organisations and groups of people.

It's sort of embarrassing this is the number one story on hacker news. Especially since it's 6 weeks old and was already posted before, and mostly seems fabricated. It reads like some fat kid ender's game revenge fantasy. I guess maybe this is what happens in white suburban schools? Cuz fights in the schools where I used to teach math would end up with kids in the hospital or dead. Or, I guess I don't really know, because both parties would both never come back to school.

I guess if Bobby Bully is putting beans in your pants you can try your karate kid routine on him. Maybe Eye of The Tiger will start playing and after you make him cry by ballet kicking him in the nose you and Elisabeth Shue can go share a milkshake at Pop's and then make out at the drive in. But in real life Jesus and Jose and their 20 cousins and homies just show up after school and steal all your clothes, your bike, your money and throw you into the dumpster.

I guess I don't ever really believe these stories, because whenever i've seen someone fight back it just turned into a drawn out war, not some fairytale DeGrassi afterschool special outcome where the bully "learned his place"

There's a wide variety of schools in the US and it sounds like you're at one of the worst.

I went to school at a suburb of Chicago where two friends died by being shot by gang members (Latin Kings), a kid that sat in front of me in Spanish murdered his girlfriend and went to prison, and drug deals were common in the hallways. But standing up to bullies was still better than backing down.

That said, the gang members were rarely if ever the bullies; not unless they suspected you were in a rival gang. The bullies were the kids that wanted a power trip, mainly the Seniors and mainly the sports guys.

If you give in you're doomed to be giving up your money or whatever again and again and again. You fight back, and that's usually going to be the end of it. People that fight back aren't fun; the weak ones that cry and give you stuff, that's where the fun is. The bullies want a reward with little effort. The gangs usually have a personal vendetta against you, your family, your different gang, your race, or something else. That's a whole different issue and one that's not dealt with in the same simple way.

Don't confuse gangs and bullies, they're two very different beasts.

"I guess maybe this is what happens in white suburban schools?"

"[I]n real life Jesus and Jose and their 20 cousins and homies just show up ..."

Jesus and Jose? Homies? Just. Stop.

Was it really necessary to inject some sort of pathetic, dogwhistle racial component into this? Why are you trying to cast a universal problem like bullying into a phenomenon where the scary minorities are picking on white kids?

Curious assumption that it's the white kids who are getting picked on...

That was the implication, yes.

Why did you assume I meant white kids were getting picked on? What? I specifically said I was NOT teaching in white, suburban schools.

Even if I got that part wrong, the main point stands. Definitely no need to make this a discussion about "José" and his "homies."

Are we just talking about the US here? Perhaps Canada and Australia have a similar situation, but I'd imagine every country/region has a different story. The blog writer, though, was in Hong Kong, where even teachers get bullied by students in high school. Cross the border into the mainland, and the bully will keep themselves well hidden, using proxies to do the dirty work.

Why do you feel the need to dismiss others' suffering, because it wasn't hard-core enough?

Is locking the skinny kid in a locker until he pisses himself real bullying?

Is one kid holding another one down while a second one punches him real bullying?

It may not be guns, knives and chains, but the suffering is real. Also, what makes this kind of middle-class bullying worse is that

A) it's not expected -- it's different from the rest of these kids' lives, which are non-violent

B) educated middle-class parents give their kids bad advice like "don't fight back, violence doesn't solve anything".

> It's sort of embarrassing this is the number one story on hacker news. Especially since it's 6 weeks old and was already posted before, and mostly seems fabricated.

I'm as surprised as you are that it's #1 on HN - I posted it to my blog for my readers, I didn't think it'd get submitted as a top level post or rise up the frontpage.

That said, everything on my end is real - I was quoting another author who said he was bullied quite badly, and his story sounds true but I can't confirm that.

> It reads like some fat kid ender's game revenge fantasy.

Eh, there's no need to be nasty, that doesn't add to the conversation. The entry is all true. Plenty of people here know me, I can run my schools and dates by someone if anyone really cares. Good luck to you.

That just depends on whether or not the bully has friends. There were plenty of kids that bullied me in school that, looking back, didn't have some huge posse to back them up.

That said, all of the "I was about to beat up a mob boss in Hong Kong because I'm so cool like that" was over the top (i.e. probably fake).

This. I wasn't in an elementary school that bad (Radom, Poland). Still, the young bullies were friends with elder bullies. Some bullies were repeating years, and that meant there was no way I could get as big as them.

And, the bullies actually do know how to fight.

Actually, for me, being nice worked out just right. After some time, the few bullies that bothered me found themselves enemies of the school, including some other bullies. Serves them right.

Realistically, I don't think the point is to make the bully stop bullying, or even to win a fight. The point is to convince him to find an easier target.

Maybe the point should shift to the former. I'd feel awful if I knew my hitting a bully back just made him go pick on some other kid instead of me. We should be trying to change his behavior, not deflect your problems onto someone else.

You have about as much chance of changing his behavior by taking a beating and then talking to him as you do of winning the lottery.

Talking alone does almost nothing. Now if you defend yourself and then treat the bully like a human being and even try to be a friend you might make some headway.

Changing the behavior of bullies is the responsibility of adults, not the child being bullied. Of course we should be trying to change his behavior, but throwing that demand on your kid as he's being bullied is irresponsible.

> Cuz fights in the schools where I used to teach math would end up with kids in the hospital or dead.

I guess not all schools are the same. There is no way this would happen in any school I went to. Such school wouldn't probably even exist for a long time. Tbh, if such incident happened more than once, it would probably end up on national news. Then again, I'm not in US. Sure, there were bullies, but what you describe is just as completely foreign concept as your experience is to me.

These schools definitely exist in the US. Our news focusses on the sensational, yes, but not all Americans have the same amount of respect for 'Jose and Jesus' as they do for 'Christopher and Ryan'. It's unfortunate, but many schools in Compton, California or the ghettos of New York, or the slums of New Orleans struggle with very real gang threats targeted at middle and high schoolers. I always find it interesting trying to decipher which murder trials hit the news here and which never see media coverage. I don't know where the bias comes from exactly, but it exists.

I will agree the author sounds like he is living in fantasy land, but, fighting back can and does work. I was a picked on band nerd in middle school, and finally snapped on two kids who pushed me around after school. I knocked one out with my clarinet case to his head and got in a tumble with the other. I wasn't bothered after that, even though I was still the same annoying easy to pick on personality. There was no outright war either, which I doubt happens except in the most undisciplined urban settings...

I really think that while what you say is true in certain circumstances, in my "suburban school" when bullies finally have to defend themselves, they often stop after bullying that fight. Some people respond differently to violence, but I think if I ever have kids I'd prefer not to live somewhere that I have to worry continuously about "Jesus and Jose and their 20 cousins and homies" pilfering, assault or worse to a future child over a few bruises.

Not even slightly controversial here.

I suffered 5 years of bullying at school; and tried everything to get it to stop, without success.

Until one day I just got fed up, walked up to the main tormentor in class and, unprovoked, hit him really hard in the mouth (I think I broke his nose, I'm not sure). Was in weeks of trouble (with the staff) :) but once that was out of the way no one touched me again.

I've never outright recommended this approach to anyone; and indeed it's probably not the right thing to do all the time. But some sort of short-sharp-shock can work just as well (so... barging them to the ground etc.) as long as it is sufficiently hard.

Same here. I was bullied (verbally and physically) all the way through grade school and high school. My mom was a peaceful hippie from the 70s, taught me that violence wasn't the answer and if there is trouble the best thing to do is tell. 10+ years of telling didn't help. Taking the abuse day after day, missing months worth of school because I was 'sick'. Hell, I even got suspended in 5th grade for getting my ass kicked by a bully.

Nothing changed until I started fighting back in 10th grade. A few fights later, along with a suspension I actually earned this time, and I never had anymore problems.

Same here. My schools days taught me a simple recipe for bully repellent: headlock their neck and pound on their face like a jack hammer. Size doesn't matter. Winning and losing doesn't matter.

But I also learned another interesting bit of bully psychology: they tease EVERYBODY, especially their friends. So tease them back. I discovered sometimes the supposed bully is just goofing around and this is how they relate to people.

Thirdly I discovered a simpler approach thanks to punk rock ethos: Don't even give a fuck about what other people think of you and let them know you don't give a fuck.

This only works once they're old enough to realize that you're ALLOWED to not give a fuck. Otherwise, it just marks you out for more.

So I'd stick with the hitting. I don't think people understand much else until they mature a little past grade 8-ish mentality.

I was also bullied in middle school. One day, walking off the school bus, I slammed his head against the window as I walked off. The bus driver, who had witnessed his bullying me for months prior was awe-struck and kept the bus running for about a minute before driving on past my block (no clue what she was thinking or saying, but it was really awkward as I walked from the bus down my block to my house). I spent the weekend thinking I would be suspended when I got back to school on Monday, but when I got on the bus on Monday, she didn't say anything, and nothing ever happened. Apparently the bus driver appreciated the fact he had it coming. And he never bothered me again...

But the bus driver didn't appreciate that she should intervene in the bullying months earlier.

What should she have done? Say "knock it off bad boy". He would have been ridiculed for needing protection from a bus lady.

Same here, some guy had been bullying me in high school and calling me names for a long period. One time he came to the park where I was in my friends and started calling me names again and generally being belligerent. After the second punch he fell down, he didn't really need much more than that. He didn't even get the chance to lay a finger on me, and never looked me in the eye again.

Come to think of it, shit, he really wasn't tough at all. Going down on the second punch and coming back up dazed? Good thing (for him) I didn't know how to throw a punch...

I was just going to say, hasn't this been the standard parenting philosophy since we started standing upright?

Could well be. But my Dad never gave me the cliched whispered conversation; "what you need to do son..."

From my observation, every adult knows this is the solution. But not all of them has the balls to tell their kid :)

S'what Godparents are for.

Step 1: Go back in time and acquire Godparents.

Better, go forward and become one for a bullied child.

Folks who have no experience with bully are divided on the right response.

Folks who do have experience pretty much all agree.

This. (I intended an upvote and misclicked.) :P

I have never been seriously bullied, but one time some bullying started for a couple of days that could have dragged on for a long time. Multiple people were throwing around stuff from my bag to each other, me trying to get it back. Of course you lose stuff quicker than you get it back. I'm small but I ran into one of them and bashed my head against his (I have a thick skull ;), knocking him to the ground. Never had a problem since.

It's nice being nice, but sometimes it does not work.

The "take your stuff, throw it around" game? I got out of that by grabbing the person who took the item originally and telling him that getting my stuff back was his problem now and if he didn't I would hurt him, no matter what excuse he had.

If you've already laid the I-wont-stand-to-be-bullied ground work with the "fight back once" thing he'll get your stuff back and none of them will have any fun.

Yup, same here. That is the only thing that worked for me after years and years of being bullied. No other way to stop it.

Same here, I was a fat pudgy kid in high school. After being tormented daily from seventh grade onward by a particular group, there was one day the high school quarterback and a few other football players decided to throw water balloons at me in middle of January. Of course, they got me with about six of them, soaked my backpack, and school work.

I. flipped. out.

All I remember was walking very calmly towards the quarterback and punching him in the face repeatedly, he tried to hit me but I grabbed his arm and bent him over backwards and just kept punching until he started bleeding from his eyebrow. His friends pulled me off and then threw me down and started to kick me, but it was broken up. Sure I got suspended, but that group never picked on me again.

As a counter point to the football player thing, I lifted with a lot of the O-line guys in college. Most of them were comic nerds, and a handful played Warhammer 40k.

One of them straight up asked me: "I'm coming at your base with two rockvees and an ambo - you've got a Jarmen, two scorps, and a quad. What do you do?"

I don't understand the point you're trying to make.

Not all football guys are brutal dickish jocks.

In fact, most are just nerds about lifting and football, sometimes more traditional subjects like gaming, comics and math. (Yes, math.)

To be fair to the those unfortunates who were not on the offensive line, I actually got recruited to dungeon master by/for a bunch of the star high school football seniors when I was a sophomore. I want to say there was a quarterback, a running back, and a linebacker involved, but it's been long enough I don't remember all the details.

It's certainly true that our offensive lines were usually at least half national honor society members -- there was always significant overlap with the quiz bowl team -- and we had at least one hard core geek each year. It wasn't at all unusual to find two of us trying out the latest RPG or swapping indie B&W comics.

"stop watching so much Pure Pwnage"

That's because they were o-line.

"This comment will be controversial, especially for North Americans and Western Europeans."

No not really. It will perhaps offend the bizarre establishment that has invaded school administration. However, this is bully repulsion 101.

If the system doesn't protect you, you must find a technique that does. Would we avoid school shootings,etc, if we taught our kids to stand up for themselves, don't let yourself get bullied? Real self respect vs the artificial "everyone's special" of today's thinking?

Sidenote: Why is this behavior (bullying) tolerated in school? What other part of our culture accepts bullying as "part of growing up" or "just the way it is?"

Why is this behavior (bullying) tolerated in school?

They're just children. They're not going to pay you. They're not going to vote. Their parents aren't actually the ones getting kicked (WOW would you see a different scenario in that case). It's easier to write it off as "childish" and do nothing. And if you actually sided with a child, there would be loss of status from affiliating with such a low-prestige person.

Same reason society tolerates rape in juvenile prisons. Same reason textbooks and teaching are so uniformly awful. Children have no power, and there's nothing to be gained politically or socially from siding with someone who can't side back.

Their parents care more about them than any politician cares about his voters.

This question ate me in elementary school. I knew that the teachers & staff KNEW who the bullies were and who were the bullied. But they did nothing, and all of their punishments would give equal blame to both parties.

If there was actually unequal punishment then you'll get a lot more "he started it!" kind of arguments, kids will lie to get whatever they want.

And at the same time, I realize looking back on school is that the teachers & admins in public school aren't that bright. As a group they're the poorest-performing college students.

When I'm a father, maybe I would rather have equal & consistent punishment for both parties, rather than some crappy teachers trying to decide who did what.

Why is bullying tolerated in school?

If we accept that "loving the bullies" is a sign of weakness that encourages more bullying, allowing the school to intervene is a sign of extreme weakness that encourages even more bullying whenever kids are out of sight of authority figures.

The problem seems to stem from the fact that bullying occurs out of sight of authority figures regardless, and that when children report it they're basically told to suck it up.

I agree that children should learn to handle confrontation for themselves, but at the same time when there are chronic offenders there needs to be repercussions. If a bully picks on a kid and they fight back, the bully will move on to the next kid. If he keeps doing it, take him out of the system, expel him from school, or (optimally) find him some way of acting out his aggression, anger, etc. in a more productive manner.

'Fighting back' would soon reduce the school to anarchy outside of the presence of a teacher, but telling kids to deal with it and shrugging it off as 'part of growing up' just encourages the bullies by teaching them that they can do whatever they want, as long as they don't get caught.

In high school I was told my the assistant principal to "Deal with it" when a bully was stealing stuff, like my TI-86 calculator, from my locker. A few weeks later I ended up getting in a physical fight with him which resulted in me getting suspended. When asked why I did it, which I fully admitted to hitting first, I would only reply that the assistant principal told me to.

At the very least, my shit quit disappearing.

I think it's either apathy or fear of legal retribution on the part of teachers.

In Maharashtra(India), laws penalize 'ragging' - a ritualized form of bullying freshmen in the first month of college.

Earlier, ragging led to a few suicides, which in turn prompted the passing of the law. It does occur however; I have been ragged myself. Personally though, it didn't affect me as much as I feared it would.

Probably has more to do with the parents. Kids that end up as bullies don't come from extremely loving and/or close-knit households (for the most part). The parents will likely put up a huge, "You're picking on my kid; don't tell me how to raise my kid" type argument.

  > Sidenote: Why is this behavior (bullying)
  > tolerated in school? What other part of our
  > culture accepts bullying as "part of growing
  > up" or "just the way it is?"

There is a huge, "I went through it and survived and so will you"/"I had to endure it and so do you"/"it builds character"/etc attitude that extends beyond bullying (or even the education system).

Why is this behavior (bullying) tolerated in school?

My theory is denial. Parents of bullies don't want to admit that their kids are doing wrong, and the parents of victims don't want to face the fact that they need to get involved.

That was my situation, at least -- even with known bullies... when I finally fought back, I got dragged to the principal's office... and I let him have it. Another rarity is that my parents actually backed me on that one.

It's important to the train the unwashed masses to give up their lunch money to the bullies when they embezzle the entire country's capital structure and need another hit of finance-o-crack.

I liked this post until he started talking about fighting the Chinese mafia and jump kicking criminals. At that point I wasn't sure whether his point was, "take your own bullying into your own hands" or "watch me brag about how badass I am on the internet."

Exactly. Seemed like a blog post by Dwight Schrute to me.

Yeah, I don't know if fighting people who have deadly weapons (or at least access to deadly weapons) is a good idea. Even if you win a first encounter, what's to prevent them from finding you later and shooting/stabbing you?

I guess that can also apply to bullies in some American schools nowadays. What if the bully wants to prove how badass he is by taking it to a level that involves guns and knives?

Thank goodness I graduated before that kind of stuff started.

Essay time.

In my freshman and sophomore years in college I did some substitute teaching. It was easy money. The state gives you $90 if you can pass a TB test and everyone makes it through the day with all digits. Simple enough.

So one day I was subbing in a high school math class. I looked over the lesson plan and noticed that one kid was marked as a "disruption". As I'm going over the roll I'm looking for him. Football player? Nope, not him. Thug kid? Nah. Smug asshole attention seeker? No. Oh, there he is and holy shit it's me! White kid with glasses, either over or under weight and reading Musician's Friend, probably has a copy of Elektor hidden in there somewhere. His bookbag has every one of his books in it because he doesn't want to go to his locker. Either someone keeps messing with him or he subconsciously doesn't want to remember his combination.

Soon the disruption became obvious. Every few minutes someone would hit him or yell something at him and he kept withdrawing into his shell. After I threw a couple out it stopped. After class I stopped him on the way out and chatted for a few minutes. I was right, there was a copy of Elektor in his bag and no, he couldn't remember his combination.

During lunch I hung out in the teacher's lounge and chatted with a few of the teachers. Finally I asked them about him. It was a consensus, he was a disruption and they couldn't wait to find a reason to expel him. This was the point where I realized I'd never make it as a teacher. After years of being angry at the other kids it never occurred to me that they were also the enemy. Suddenly the codes made sense. How many times had I heard teachers say that students should be able to "learn in a non-disruptive environment"? Fuck, they wanted me to get thrown to the wolves; it was always a part of the plan. I was just a cancer in the education system's body, something that didn't just work its way out, despite their best non-efforts.

The following year I took a job in a call center and moved to their IT dept. Subbing was easy, but at least IT didn't feel like blood money. There was a silver lining. I ran into that kid a few years ago in a restaurant. He was married with a kid of his own. He rushed and grabbed by hand. "I just want to say thanks. You were right, they were all assholes."

That was by far my most satisfying job related moment. Only Hallmark moment I have to offer.

I upvoted you. It's a good story and far more common than most people would like to believe. But I would caution you against generalizing your anecdotal evidence to the profession of teaching as a whole. Some teachers would do exactly what you did and throw the bully's out and the vast majority wouldn't blame the victim. In my relatively large (but admittedly still anecdotal) experience with CPS and public suburban schools, I've only seen teachers close to what you describe in a small fraction.

>> I had two guys try to mug me the other day in a dangerous area. Bad mistake, doubled one of them over with a kick the stomach and shouted at the other one, YOU WANT TO DIE? BACK DOWN, STAY BACK. He did, he let me walk away while his criminal buddy was doubled over.

Where I come from, the third kid, who was pretending to be a bystander all along, with the gun under his shirt, would've shot you from behind your back.

Just because resorting to violence to deal with bullies works doesn't mean you should go all rambo with actual criminals.

I'm curious why this third kid would escalate the crime from mugging to assault with a deadly weapon and possibly murder. It sounds pretty irrational.

a) Territorial protection. Gang members (as in an actual criminal organization) want a monopoly on illegal economic activity in an area. Thugs don't anticipate making a lot of money but can get social status via fear - the ability to act with impunity if they have limited imagination, the ability to collect rents in the form of protection money if they have more.

b) It gives him a hold over the other two. If you're unfortunate enough to be attacked by a group, you'll often find that the physically smallest person calls the shots. They may look like a beta (waiting until the bigger guys have had their fun) but this is misleading. In a situation like this your aim is to isolate this person from his muscle - easier said than done, of course.

c) If they're professionals rather than doing it for kicks, dead men tell no tales. Forensic science helps, but only up to a point. A rainy night in a back alley won't leave much evidence, unless the criminal is foolish enough to retain a weapon or cell phone.

The whole thing hinges on the premise of not getting caught in the first place, so they'll do whatever increases their chances. If it involves killing someone who reacted to the assault, so be it, they think.

Where are you from?

I'm reminded of what Malcolm X said to the civil rights demonstrators:

Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery.

I don't necessarily disagree with the original article or this sentiment. However, I have a hard time reconciling telling your child to stick up for him or herself when bullied vs "send him to the cemetary" or "As soon as he turns around, hit him in the back of the head as hard as you can. If you’re much smaller, pick up a hard object and do it."

These are children and their judgement is not always the best. Do you really want to risk that your child kills another child by accident while following your advice?

Will your child know how far is far enough? Is there a chance he or she might over-react to a situation that is not truly threatening?

Do you think the bullies know how far is far enough?

Bullying escalates. If you don't trust your kid to make a judgment at some point, it's basically a matter of time before they get seriously injured themselves.

I'd rather teach my kid to stick up for himself and have the mistakes happen at the level of "knocked out tooth/broken finger" than letting things escalate in the first place.

So your kid gets beat up. Then your kid beats up the bully. Then the bully comes back with a knife the next day. Or a gun.

Bullying does escalate. Therefore, teaching your kid to escalate on their side as well just makes it happen faster. The solution to escalating warfare is to break the cycle.

> However, I have a hard time reconciling telling your child to stick up for him or herself when bullied vs "send him to the cemetary" or "As soon as he turns around, hit him in the back of the head as hard as you can. If you’re much smaller, pick up a hard object and do it."

The second one no, but the second one is mostly an exaggeration for "don't be the one who starts fights, but be the one who ends them". Cemetery is probably a bad idea as it'll breed revenge, but going at it until they are physically unable to fight back is probably a good idea.

I really think you are just playing semantics here. The quote wouldn't be nearly as effective if it read:

"Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, hurt him just enough so that he leaves you alone - but don't kill him."

The quote is fine. I worry about this glorification of violence. The original article and this thread seem to be filled with adolescent fantasies of revenge against bullies past and future.

I hope this is mainly internet posturing and bravado.

I'm not sure every child has the perspective to recognize hyperbole. There are times when violence may be necessary, but that doesn't make it any less horrible, whether justified or not.

Over-reaction is the only reaction.

If you don't want the other side to escalate, take it there first and do it fast. If you are truly worried about escalation, then by induction, all fights are fights to the death because beating the bully "just enough" will lead to the bully coming back with more firepower. Lather, rinse, repeat until firearms are involved.

So, you over-compensate. You do everything within your power to kill him and hope someone can stop you or they run away. If you don't take shit from anybody, people will stop trying to give it to you.

> I'm reminded of what Malcolm X said to the civil rights demonstrators:

Malcolm X, the supremacist dude who had Nazis at his conventions, is a really bad role model for your children.

Edit: why the downvote? He was supremacist, and Nazi connection is well documented: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_supremacy#Alliances_with_...

Your own reference refutes your claim.

From the Wikipedia article:

"In 1965, after breaking with the Nation of Islam and denouncing its separatist doctrine, Malcolm X told his followers that the Nation of Islam under Elijah Muhammad had made agreements with the American Nazi Party and the Ku Klux Klan that 'were not in the interest of Negros.'"

OK, but you don't object the supremacist part? Good, we are on the same page.

Now, notice the "after break-up" part. Have a look at this photo:

http://www.nationalgalleries.org/collection/online_az/4:322/...

She was doing an essay on Malcolm X, these fellas attended one of his conventions. The one in the middle threatened to make a lantern out of her (Arnold is Jewish).

In her later interviews she mentioned that many people get really upset when they see this photo, and exhibition curators often objected to its inclusion.

Fuck this.

I'm not a violent person. I never have been and never will be. I do not consider it a valid way to solve problems. Reverting to our animal nature is rejecting the progress we have made in our brains overriding unproductive basic survival impulses in favour of smarter solutions.

That's not to say this approach doesn't work. For some people it works perfectly. But hitting back only works if you're stronger than them. Otherwise they'll just kick your ass and things will get worse. And even if it works, all you've done is validate the world view that might makes right.

The world is full of idiots who ruin the lives of others, both at the micro level of domestic abuse and the macro level of dictatorships, because of this principle. It's the law of the jungle, and you know what? We don't live in the fucking jungle any more. We live in a civilized society, where intelligence can triumph over brute strength.

Nobody should know that better than HN, a community of nerds who dream of changing the world one keystroke at a time. I'm disappointed to see how much support there is for this idea.

The smart solution to bullying is to make it socially unacceptable. Kids don't take dumps in the hallways because there's no payoff to doing so. But if you beat up the unpopular kid, you get some credibility. Rob them of that credibility, rob them of their motivation, and you end bullying, without swinging a fist.

> The smart solution to bullying is to make it socially unacceptable.

Sure, the bullied kid — which generally has low sociability, either from the start or following the ostracization coming along with the bullying, and few if any friends — is going to make bullying "socially unacceptable".

That's a very nice feel-good declaration, but it's about as helpful as "smack yourself in the mouth to help them so the beating is shorter"

I do not consider it a valid way to solve problems

Well, you're wrong. I don't want to get all Heinlein on you. But this is the way of the world. If you're cold, you put on a jumper or turn up the heating. If you're hot, you have cold drink or you sit in the shade. If you don't do one of these, the situation remains the same. And if you're threatened, you fight or you run. If you can't run, you fight. And if you have to fight - trust me on this - you have to go all in.

The smart solution to bullying is to make it socially unacceptable

If you have a way for an 8-year-old fat kid to do that, let's hear it. Hell if you have a way for "society" to do that, let's hear it.

There are short-term solutions to problems and long-term solutions. The short-term solution may be to fight back in certain scenarios. But long-term, strengthening the family as a unit in society is the only cure for these type of societal problems. Good parents can raise good kids. I'm not saying that if a kid is bad or a bully, that means the parents are necessarily bad, but the correlation between good parents and good kids is undeniable. Society should put more effort into defining what good parenting is (not through law, but rather through custom) than helping kids learn how to fight back. Both may be necessary efforts, but one will have further-reaching impact.

Yes, here is a way to do it (not theoretical, worked in practice) -- get the adults involved. Make sure that your kid feels it's OK to tell you that he's been bullied (he's not being a snitch, he's bringing the problems to the knowledge of the right people). Then talk to the kid. Talk to the kid's parents. Make sure that if it doesn't stop, you will escalate -- you will talk to the school principal and the teachers. Make sure that the principal understand that you're willing to escalate further -- that you will make sure that it hits the local newspaper, that you will complain about it in the PTA meeting, and that you will be filing charges with the police for "assault".

When kids realize that there are consequences for bullying, and that they have to stop, they will. (The above goes for physical abuse, mostly. The solution for verbal abuse is "learn to insult them better". They either learn to stop insulting you, or they fall back to physical abuse, in which case, see above.)

That's what my parents did when I was bullied in middle school. They called the other kid's parents, and he stopped. There was one time they did need to threaten the principal with calling the police, and she pleaded with them not do it, promising that the kid was getting psychological help for his issues, and they agreed to conditionally back off (and he never threatened me again).

Bullying is already socially unacceptable -- it's against the law of society. We can solve it the same way we solve every other criminal activity, which is by involving the law enforcement authority.

Edit: Changed "socially acceptable" in the last paragraph to say "socially unacceptable" (was a typo).

Parents can't be there for there kids 24/7. On top of that plenty of parents simply don't care. Their kid is a trouble maker and they've (sadly) grown to accept it. You might say that's a systemic problem that we need to fix, and my reply is "good luck".

And if you have to fight - trust me on this - you have to go all in.

Truer words have never been spoken. Fighting isn't a first option--it's a last option. But if you were teased in school (like I was), the last thing a bully expects is a kid that will rage on him.

Making bullying "unacceptable" isn't a reality.

Adult society is way ahead of kid society at making injustice socially unacceptable. Kid society can become civilized in the same way as adult society: law and order (doink doink).

Children need a justice system that they can respect, which will only happen if the system respects them back -- treats them like first class citizens with a voice and control over their world. The adult system can't do that, so they probably need one of their own. As their educators, adults need to help them build it.

Children want civility as much as adults do, but as long as they have no control over their world, they will not feel any responsibility for it.

I think this is new-age-feel-good bologna. Children do not have a voice and control over the world, to pretend they do would be disingenuous and I'm not sure what value there is in pretend they do or giving them control. Most adults don't even have a voice and control over the world. I'm not a strong supporter of violence but I think it is unreasonable to think you can "Hey buddy, let's be friends" your way out of every situation.

I'm pretty sure that if you give children "control over their world" you get Lord of the Flies.

Children aren't mini adults. They're half done adults. There's some scary and important stuff missing.

> But hitting back only works if you're stronger than them. Otherwise they'll just kick your ass and things will get worse.

I can't even begin to list how many things are wrong with this. So fighting is only worth it when you know you're going to win?

The author's point is if you stand up for yourself against a much bigger and stronger bully, you WILL get your ass kicked. But that's fine. Everybody gets their ass kicked once in a while. But the fact that you were not afraid to stand up for yourself gets you respect. The bullies will likely move on onto the easier targets that don't fight back.

I agree with 99% of this article. Except this:

> I’ve got some sets of names I’d name my sons as they’re born. They’re unconventional names – Cosimo Marshall or Aurelius Marshall if the boy’s mother was Italian, Zhuge Marshall if he was Chinese. The boy will likely get teased.

Ya think?? And even though you realize it, you're still planning to do it? I'm sure the kid will be VERY grateful when he grows up.

I just found the apparent thought that he was going to be the sole decider of the name amusing.

This might be a reason for the weird name: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/johnnycash/aboynamedsue.html

Zhuge is indeed a weird Chinese surname. So he'd have two surnames? At the same time Zhuge Liang was a great military strategist, which I'm sure you'd make clear to him.

Not to mention that the first time you get hit in the face will teach you more about fighting than all the Youtube Muay Thai videos in the world

Naming a kid something that will get him teased makes about as much sense as picking a fight with someone you know will beat you. In fact, Sebastian actually says the weird names are a way of picking a fight with the bullies of the world, just like you approved of earlier.

Good comment.

> Ya think?? And even though you realize it, you're still planning to do it? I'm sure the kid will be VERY grateful when he grows up.

Unconventional names get you teased as a kid, and remembered as an adult. I think it's a good tradeoff.

When I was a kid in Hawaii (note, young Hawaiians at the time were very racist against 'haoles/foreigners', I got into a fight literally every Wednesday. At the time, I was a 6' tall, thin, awkward kid, too thin for my height, so every Wednesday, I got my ass kicked. It didn't help that I was a smart ass, and content to talk smack WHILE I was getting pummelled.

Summer break came around, and I enrolled in Judo, Boxing and Muay Thai classes. I took an under the table job in construction to pay for the classes. I stole a kayak to get to work. Every single activity in my entire life was focussed on getting better, so I wouldn't get my ass kicked.

I jogged, lifted weights, exercised, trained, etc. I was Rocky. I was the Karate Kid.

When school resumed the next year, the first Wednesday, I got into a fight. I didn't lose. I wouldn't say I "kicked the other guy's ass", but I didn't lose.

After that, i didn't get into nearly as many fights. I was no longer the easy target. And there weren't any other white kids in the class, so much of the violence stopped altogether.

I'm sure you could potentially attribute it to the bullies being a year wiser, or any other number of factors, but from my experience, this argument holds water.

All right I have to ask: why on Wednesday's?

Oh, that's a part of the longer story, which I tried to condense down for the benefit of all.

I was getting my ass kicked more frequently in public schools, so my parents moved me to a Christian private school. The school board mandates x hours of physical education per week, but the school was smallish, and didn't have a gym.

Every Wednesday we would hike down to the nearest public rec center. The rec center was a fairly good size, so we had the option of multiple things to do -- volleyball, kickball, whatever, all spread out on separate fields. This meant that the teacher(s) would rotate from one field to the other to keep an eye on things, which invariably meant that any given field was only monitored about a third of the time.

I never believed in team sports, because of this - if we were playing volleyball, for example, and I made a good serve, somebody on the other team wanted to kick my ass. If I made a bad serve, somebody on my team wanted to kick my ass.

I later moved from Hawaii to Tennessee, for my junior and senior years of high school, where, due to my athletic build and coordination, I was sought after by all the coaches for all the sports teams, but I hated sports. I'm over it now.

The smart solution to taking drugs is to make it socially unacceptable.

The smart solution to smoking is to make it socially unacceptable.

The smart solution to binge drinking is to make it socially unacceptable.

The smart solution to football violence is to make it socially unacceptable.

etc etc.

The real smart thing is for every corner of society, from education to prosecution, to realise that there is no blanket golden solution to every problem.

Example where it did work: Mustafa Ataturk was trying to modernize Turkey and make it more secular. One part of that was banning hijabs, Muslim head coverings. He knew that banning headscarves on women outright could lead to rebellion, or at the very least severe social unrest.

His solution was to make hijabs mandatory for prostitutes at all time. It was one of the most successful mass persuasion tactics he ever used, and if you visit modern day Turkey almost no one wears hijabs.

Edit: Scratch what I said above about modern day turkey, my data is old and unsourced.

When was the last time you went to Turkey and where? I'm interested.

I spend a fair bit of time in Istanbul, and I can categorically tell you the hijab made a comeback some time ago. There are two main ways it's worn - one is a classical cultural style and the other is more of a political statement. It's the latter that's coming back in fashion, mainly due to the actions of the current political party in power.

I'd agree.

I was a violent person in elementary school and Jr. High. I was made fun of constantly and things occasionally came to blows.

I usually won.

But it didn't help much, really, even if it satisfied me at the time to literally pound-in the heads of kids who'd been making me miserable.

Teasing and bullying only seem like they are about someone seeming weak. They're about a mob mentality. That is what needs to be addressed. I'd say a social atmosphere where non-conformists are fair game is mostly what stimulates bullies. Individual kids fighting back is not really going to be the solution.

While I wouldn't call myself a violent person (even then), several bullying issues came to a quite physical conclusion in my youngest years. And yes, while the bullying stopped against me, it didn't stop the kid from doing it to others.

Do you think it was just non-conformity? The meanness of children in general? Is this something that all humans have? Or some american dysfunction? Some western dysfunction?

"But hitting back only works if you're stronger than them. Otherwise they'll just kick your ass and things will get worse."

Not true. Bullies tend to pick on people who won't fight back* because they're easy prey. If you demonstrate, even by losing, that you're not willing to take it from them anymore and that you will resist, you are no longer easy prey.

*Obviously this isn't true 100% of the time, but more often than not.

Bullies pick on you as long as the benefit is greater than the cost. If you don't fight back and the school/parents don't provide effective punishment, the cost is zero, so the bully will pick on you whenever it's worth slightly more than nothing to him. If you make the cost "getting kicked in the junk", the bully is only going to pick on you if he thinks it's worth getting kicked in the junk, which is not very often.

You don't need to be stronger, or a better fighter, you just need to make fighting you painful enough that the pain outweighs the gain. This is one of the key principles of deterrence (even on an international scale) -- you don't need to be strong enough to win the fight, you just have to be strong/vicious enough to inflict enough pain that "not fighting" becomes a better option for your opponent.

> *Obviously this isn't true 100% of the time, but more often than not.

See, but that's the crux of the entire issue, and you (nor the OP) have not offered statistics backing this up. Anecdotes are not data, so I don't care if this "worked for me" or whatever.

A bully who gets his ass kicked, or doesn't win soundly enough, could easily escalate the next encounter with a knife or bat or something worse. Or maybe not! I don't know, neither do you or the OP, and so maybe we should not be making authoritative declarations about these things without consulting actual research.

1. The world is full of idiots who ruin the lives of others, both at the micro level of domestic abuse and the macro level of dictatorships, because of this principle.

Self-defense isn't the same as aggression, it's an act of self-preservation which is still very much a principle of civilized society. The author of the article failed to make this distinction clear. When you stand up for yourself or a friend you're sending a clear message that says "I'm not going to take this laying down."

"We must begin by acknowledging the hard truth: We will not eradicate violent conflict in our lifetimes. There will be times when nations -- acting individually or in concert -- will find the use of force not only necessary but morally justified."

-Barrack Obama, Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech

2. I do not consider it a valid way to solve problems.

The smart solution to bullying is to make it socially unacceptable.

When you're in a confrontational situation where the other party is about to beat you to a bloody pulp you can't take a time-out to establish a social stigma. Furthermore that wouldn't work. Most bullies are deviant by nature so making something socially unacceptable would just make it more alluring.

3. We live in a civilized society, where intelligence can triumph over brute strength.

But hitting back only works if you're stronger than them.

By the former statement it appears that you exclude violence categorically from the realm of "intelligent things to do." Violence, just like any other human interaction, is a language with its own inflections and subtleties. Without training and practice how do you expect to be fluent or successful in getting your point across?

What you need to do is demonstrate that you are willing to escalate things beyond a reasonable level. It's not about strength, but about willingness to go the distance.

Someone shoves you: throw a chair through a window, flip a few desks, go completely ape-shit. Make it known that you are willing to cause lasting and permanent damage for the slightest offense. Pretty soon no one will want to cause that slightest offense.

This is an intelligent tactic. And will preemptively stop a lot of aggression.

Kids don't take dumps in hallways because it can negatively impact them. They will take dumps in hallways they don't frequent just for kicks.

Actually it seems to me that is exactly what would let the bullies win: see how crazy that kid is? Let's tease him some more and see how crazy he can get.

Not if they're the targets. Do you really want to see how homicidal someone else can get towards you?

> throw a chair through a window.

I think every party involved would prefer if personal conflicts between two high school kids didn't result in unnecessary property damage. Otherwise, I agree. Going "ape-shit", all in, is what will prove the point that you shouldn't be fucked with.

Property damage can serve one purpose: getting the school administrators to care about the situation. The school administrators I've met have never given a damn about bullying, but they care quite a lot about not being inconvenienced. Property damage is inconvenient.

I'm not sure how getting the administration involved would help the situation, but I suppose it might.

Exactly, why do you think they send people to jail for not paying taxes, by escalating things beyond a reasonable level, they get people to pay. The mafia uses a similar methodology to collect its protection payments.

> But hitting back only works if you're stronger than them. Otherwise they'll just kick your ass and things will get worse.

I rarely assume that someone who threatens me with violence cares about my well-being.

You're assuming that if you comply, you won't get your ass kicked. Sometimes, you're going to get your ass kicked regardless so the only question is whether they're going to pay a price for doing so.

Curiously enough, bullies don't like the risk of damage, even if they "win" the fight.

> where intelligence can triumph over brute strength.

"can" is often by the grace of folks who have brute strength.

> "can" is often by the grace of folks who have brute strength.

As if guns grew on trees.

> I'm not a violent person. I never have been and never will be. I do not consider it a valid way to solve problems. Reverting to our animal nature is rejecting the progress we have made in our brains overriding unproductive basic survival impulses in favour of smarter solutions.

Sometimes the only way an animal will listen is if you speak their language.

I agree with you that this is not necessarily the ideal approach. Whether or not it's a valid way to solve problems, fighting back is only effective against individual bullies, which are hardly the larger problem.

I disagree that "The smart solution to bullying is to make it socially unacceptable." A solution is not a smart solution if it cannot be put into practice, and it's not as though there's any real control over what's socially acceptable among children.

If there's a real solution, it's to be found among adults. Children are basically small adults. While there's a bit of a gap in reasoning capacity, the gap is much smaller than people give it credit for: children are smart. So, why do adults not "bully" each other all the time?

There's a strong argument to be made that this is because we've cordoned adults who are likely to instigate violence off into their own social environments (criminal). That's a strong possibility, but it probably doesn't hide a solution to the problem: we don't give children the power to do this, and doing it for them would be a ground ripe for abuse of power. As much as I don't like it, there may be no good solution.

There's also a strong argument to be made that adults don't get into fights simply because they have better things to do. That might be a good place to start: give children more and better choices about what to do.

Probably the strongest argument is that adults have a perfectly good nonviolent way to signal status: money. Children don't have any such thing, so they come up with their own. Counter-intuitive though it seems, giving children a strong status-signaling mechanism other than bullying might be effective.

That's great. Throw your kids under the bus for your ideals.

We first have to understand the world we do live in, before we can reasonably change it to the world we'd like to live in.

"The smart solution to bullying is to make it socially unacceptable."

And until then?

I'd like to see a roadmap to making bullying socially unacceptable. Especially one that creates a sustainable solution as opposed to one that has to be re-implemented every year when you get new 6th graders..

Here is a sustainable approach: make sure that teachers are legally obligated to report bullying instances they are aware of to the police. (This law can be passed in the municipal, state or federal levels -- it doesn't matter.)

Bullying is assault. The first time the police gets involved, it will be unpleasant for the bully. The second time, he gets arrested. The next bully to come along might realize he doesn't want a criminal record, and if he doesn't, his parents might. And if they don't stop, they get sent away to juvie.

Why do we assume highschool/middleschool kids are somehow untouchable by the law?

They're both solutions, violence is more often an option rather than relying on the intelligence of both parties. If you think otherwise then I think you're naive and would benefit by gaining experiences other than your own. "But hitting back only works if you're stronger than them." It's easily arguable that this is case when strength is measured in intelligence rather than physically.

The correct way is by intelligence but by being prudent in a Machiavellian sense and knowing when you need to be physical and when you can and should use a civilized argument. But just painting every situation as one of white or black for all time is nice abstractly but it's not practical.

We live in a civilized society, where intelligence can triumph over brute strength.

Are you sure about that? I'm not at all convinced -- especially in the US.

Were you bullied at school?

I was with this guy until he started talking about mouthing off to a mafia guy in Japan.

Kid stuff is kid stuff, adult stuff is different. That 9th grader had almost certainly never tortured someone with a car battery. Same with the muggers - who's to say that they're sane in the least? What if they're really strung-out and have knives, now you're going to the hospital.

I was mugged in London 4 months ago. In broad daylight, the guy caught me off guard and pushed me to the ground.

When I tell people there's usually someone who tells me I should have fought back, or whatever. And I went through relief, anger, fear it would happen again and the thirst for revenge afterwards, replaying the situation and second-guessing myself, wondering if I should have fought back or done something differently.

But it's not worth the risk. My friend works in public housing in the area, and said the guy was probably a local gang member. These guys fight and carry knives from when they're children. I've never been in a real fight and I have a desk job - odds are that I would have ended up in hospital.

So I handed over the 40 pounds cash I had in my wallet, and he bailed.

A random encounter like this is a totally different situation to a bully at school, where you mostly know who you're dealing with. There's a couple of times I now realise I probably should have stood up for myself at school, but being mugged on the street is not the time to start learning to fight.

I was hoping someone else felt this way.

In my view, it's never worth risking your life to protect your belongings. Be like Roger Sterling in Mad Men and give up your money & your jewelry.

The reason for shooting a mugger is that the situation is inherently one where your life is at risk. Even if you totally comply, you could be killed.

Shooting an attacker is safer for you. It is usually far more expensive, though -- maybe 1-5k in legal costs even if it doesn't get much followup (and if it goes to trial, could be over 100k), potential civil suits, and of course the cost of firearms and training to even have the choice.

I would definitely toss a $500 wallet and run if it were at the time a safer choice, even with a firearm. But, I would have no problem killing to defend my life, either.

so you're worried that the muggers aren't sane, but, hey, they'll be sane enough to honor the ancient mugger code and leave you alone after taking your stuff?

once somebody is threatening you with violence, you don't get to count on anything. especially if you act like an easy target.

It's simple darwinism. It is possible to mug people and escape a number of times before you get caught. Once you start mugging people and murdering them... That won't last very long.

It's strange how a society supposedly obsessed with safety nonetheless thinks normal to place a child in such an environment, then do everything to prevent them from defending themselves. It's a prison environment, only the inmates did nothing to deserve being there.

The problem could be that kids don't interact much with people outside their age group. They have no reference point of how adults behave. It becomes a sort of Lord of the Flies world.

Our society isn't really obsessed with safety. It's obsessed with being safe from rare, sensational dangers.

If we really cared about safety, we'd focus less on airport security and "stranger danger", and more on getting people to wear seatbelts and never drive while intoxicated. Statistically, automobile accidents are by far the leading cause of accidental death in the US.

I'm the youngest of three boys. We all went to the same high school. When I arrive in Year 7, there were apparently quite a few kids "lining up" to have a go at me. My brothers were well respected academics as well as both celebrated for their Basketball and Athletics achievements, and I was the geek.

My group of geek friends and I took our share of hassling in the first week. It was probably day 4 when one of the bullies had a go at a friend of mine (over a paper aeroplane if I recall) so I stood up to him. I then got backed into a corner by 2 or 3 of them who started really hammering me.

Something snapped in me.

I started kicking, punching, kneeing, throwing windmills and swearing like a crazy person. I don't know how long it was before a teacher came out and broke it up. But I'm sure it wasn't long, and I'm dead certain that I barely made contact with anything. We all sat in the principals office and got a stern talking to. The older kids were suspended, I was let off...probably because my brothers were star pupils.

They thought I was bat-shit crazy. For the next 6 years I wasn't hassled again.

I grew up in a tough neighborhood, lower middle class, where we fix issues with fists fights. My dad, a tough guy, hated bullying period. He did not tolerate his child being the bully; he made us understand that is was shameful to mistreat the weak and the young. He always told us to stand our ground when attacked, he said if the attacker was stronger and bigger we could use a stick, a stone or anything that could really hurt the attacker. My dad said we should not respond to a push with a push, he thought an attack should be met with a response x times. A punch for a push; my two brothers and I were known for our fierce defense abilities, which made us safe from bullying growing up.

Today as a parent, I give the same advice to my children. We are a minority in our neighborhood and my kids go to great school. They have been through multiple attacks from bullies. My son is in middle school and so far has been able to fight back at many would be bullies. I made it clear to the principal and some parents of bullies that my children are permitted to fight back when attacked, that I will stand by them in all circumstances.

So far it has been working pretty well next year my daughter will be in high school and my son is a reputed defensive player in the basketball team.

I would phrase the advice to sound less hair-trigger, but I essentially agree. "Ignore the bully", or "don't fight back" are terrible advice that put the (your) child at risk.

I think where parents get confused is on the individual vs. group distinction. We look at the world, see all the various tribal wars with their counter-attacks and counter-counter-attacks, and erroneously conclude that violence doesn't solve anything.

We're not talking suicide bombs and airstrikes, here. If Alice shoves Billy, and Billy shoves Alice back, there's often no escalation, and no-one else is harmed. The issue is settled, and everyone's still alive and well. This is much better than ongoing bullying.

His account of the 9th grader reminds me of the advice to punch out the toughest looking guy in the room on your first day of prison to establish a reputation of unfuckablewithness.

Agreed. My next question is: why are our _schools_ comparable to prisons in this way? Is it really such an inescapable facet of human nature?

Why can't we change the culture of school such that, at least while you're actually _in_ school, you're focused on being the smartest person you can be and not looking over your shoulder?

It's because they are both institutions founded on compulsory incarceration where rules and regulations reign supreme over common sense and human decency.

At least, I think that might have something to do with it.

You'd have to be some sort of dangerous, crazy teabagger to suggest that kids and parents should have the right to choose a school that they like.

Simple reason: You're required to be there. In the rest of life, you can quit your job, move, and find a better crowd of people. It will always turn into lord of the flies if you throw a bunch of (truly) random people together who don't depend on each other and force them to deal with it day after day.

Why don't parents do something? I'd have no problem, as an adult, confronting a kid and telling them that if they touched my son again I'd personally deliver them to juvy where I can make accomodations for buddies they don't appreciate.

And unless they're already hardened gang members, this should work pretty well, and probably breaks no laws. And if they do do it again, live up to your promise, to the extent possible.

If they are hardened gang members, you should probably get your child out of the situation, because fighting back is a losing proposition.

It's a really fine line. This type of response can just as easily backfire on you. One punch back can escalate things well beyond the original infraction, the next thing you know, you are in the hospital. Embarrassing someone who fancies themselves the leader of a pack is never a good idea. Even if you escape unscathed one day, the very next day you may be met with an even larger pack of people.

It is this very mindset that perpetuates violence, it doesn't end it. For Sebastian, the line is clear "as soon as someone puts their hands on you," but everyone has a different line. Taunting someone every day for months can push someone beyond their line, and when they push you away out of desperation they have "put their hands on you."

Being strong and standing up for yourself does not require physical violence. Understanding the reason someone is picking on you is perhaps the best way to actually stop it, and perhaps even address the root cause, making the road better for the next person in line. When complaining about the bully in my elementary school, my parents explained to me the social situation that he was brought up in, and how we were so lucky in comparison. I didn't "love" them, but I understood them much better, and learned how to avoid getting in their way. Hitting back wouldn't have solved anything.

I'd say every situation has an escalating set of responses, and I certainly don't believe that violence is always unacceptable, especially when nonviolent means have failed.

I'd suggest that a large part of why MLK succeeded is because Malcolm X was loudly stating the alternative.

I've never been physically bullied, as I've always been both a dork and an athlete, but I was teased relentlessly early on. My dad's advice was always to ignore, and this just didn't work well enough. That's how I discovered the power of personality - the power to fire back is (sadly) what wins respect of children.

The challenge once you've gained the skill is to reign it in - to be intentional in your response, and to sometimes decide that nonviolence, or silence IS actually the way to go.

Oh for fuck's sake. People, there are many reasons why bullying occurs, and there are many types of bullies, and there are many types of kids who get bullied.

Does anyone out there honestly believe that there's a single solution that will work in every situation? I hate to be so condescending, but really now! On a site like this, where we make careers out of handling edge conditions, we should know better.

If a kid punches you because he hates himself, should you punch him back? What if a kid punches you because he's trying to fit in with a circle of friends, and they hate themselves, but he just kinda has low self-esteem? What if a kid punches you because you remind him of a kid that bullied him last year? What if a kid punches you because he's having a bad day, but he feels bad about it after? What if a kid punches you because he likes you, but he has an abusive family environment and punching is the only way he knows to express affection? What if a kid punches you because he hates himself, but he hates everyone else too? What if a kid punches you because he has low self esteem and he's jealous of how smart you sounded in class just now?

The answer to everything up there is not "JUST PUNCH THE FUCKER" or "JUST HUG THE FUCKER." Come on. They are all unique situations in their own right, and they all must be considered separately. In fact, each of those has different solutions based on who the target is. They're schoolchildren. They're humans. They're not computer programs! They're not predictable automatons! If you're new in school and you fuck someone up on the first day, that's completely different from being bullied for six years and then finally punching back. The first has a higher likelihood of getting you left alone. The second will probably make it worse! If you're a small kid and you try to give them a hug, that's different from if you're a big kid. They could say the small kid is only being friendly because he's too wimpy to fight back. They could say a big kid is only punching because he's too stupid to think of a comeback. IT DEPENDS. It fucking DEPENDS.

The whole reason "bullying" remains an "unsolved issue" is because people keep suggesting silver bullets, and there fucking isn't one. Instead of attacking each other's silver bullets, why don't we take the difficult but arguably more worthwhile path of identifying different motivations for bullying and how the psychology of differing responses works? Because this "be friendly"/"punch them out" bullshit sounds more and more like emacs vs. vim to me.

PLEASE?

Uh, no. If someone punches me there really is no decision matrix in which I will not punch him back. His motivations are frankly irrelevant to me and are something he needs to work out on his own.

Congratulations! You've found a formula that works... FOR YOU!

Works for me.

And ME...

I completely agree. To an extent there'll always be a certain cachet associated with violence and 'fighting back' .. it's the macho thing to do, and - by supporting a general violent response - the original poster _could_ be accused of trying to project a more macho stance himself. Thinking about all situations in the same way, is fantasy .. and imagining that violence will always redeem the oppressed is a romantic and foolhardy notion.

Not many people want to be thought of as weak - but strength doesn't need to come from aggression; sometimes confidence and defiance can go a long way to providing any necessary 'short, sharp shock'.

In my findings, this method is not near as effective as having something you said get taken way out of context.

I got bullied a little in middle school. However, in a completely unrelated event, I said something with one feeling and someone nearby thought I said it in anger I guess.

Next thing I know, SWAT and local police are at my high school and somehow everyone knows who they're looking for.

Apparently "Really? OMG Im gonna kill her! lol" directly translates to "I'm going to bring a gun to school and murder her".

I was never messed with again and no one asked.

My only problem with this article is when the author considers the antagonists to be animals. It encourages thinking of the bullies as sub-human, and beyond redemption, and treating them like that encourages them to keep acting like that. People are complicated, life is complicated, and completely dismissing someone as an "animal" and ignoring anything else about them is an arrogant effort to make yourself feel morally superior for taking what is an essentially pragmatic option.

Like I said, that's the only issue I have, and I condone the advice to fight back. I do think that bullies, or at least some individuals who are bullies, have the potential to be talked to. However, I think it's unlikely that they can be talked to by the person they're antagonizing, while they're in the process of antagonizing them. If you're being picked on, you have neither the responsibility, nor the ability, to redeem your tormentor. Concern yourself with your well-being, defend yourself, and leave the redemption to a professional counselor. No one has the obligation to act in the interest of someone who is acting against theirs (although I have deep respect for those who volunteer to do so).

The difference between fighting back as a deterrent, and fighting back as moral superiority, is rather fine, and in the moment of fighting back, probably indistinguishable. But there are downstream effects of thinking of others (and especially of treating them) as less than human, or even as inferior to you. Thinking that the current situation will never change blinds you to ways to change it, and in the long-term, that results in things failing to change.

But how do we teach kids when the "authority" puts their hands on them?

http://www.boingboing.net/201011111141.jpg

Does this advice help at all with girls? Girls seemed to bully socially rather than physically when I was in school. What do you tell a young girl who's in a similar situation? "Punch her in the nose?"

I had a similar experience (and resolution) in middle school and I agree with the author's conclusion. But now I have an 8 month old daughter who may experience this type of bullshit one day, and I'm not sure what advice I'd give her just now.

"... Does this advice help at all with girls? Girls seemed to bully socially rather than physically when I was in school. What do you tell a young girl who's in a similar situation? "Punch her in the nose?" ..."

The asymmetry of this situation is not described much here because the type of bullying attacks used by females are less physical. The mechanics are similar but the techniques are different and can be summarised thus: "Males are paratroopers, females are secret agents". Males rely more on aggression and physicality and are overt while females specailise in covert relational and psychological bullying. If you want to read the mechanics & some citations try here ~ http://seldomlogical.com/2010/06/18/hacking-people

The best article I've read on bulling is "Big Bad Bully" ~ http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/big-bad-bully and the best references specifically for dealing with female bullying I've seen is by "Rosalind Wiseman" ~ http://www.amazon.com/Rosalind-Wiseman/e/B001IOH8ZW/ref=sr_n...

I have the same question. While there were fights between some girls in the high school I went to, all the abuse I dealt with was entirely verbal/social.

No one ever tried to lay a hand on me, so if I'd started anything, it would've been me looking like the 'bad guy'. And somewhere along the way I'd already internalized that as a 'good girl' disappointing authority was the worst thing I could possibly do.

I tried ignoring. I tried preemptively mocking myself to take the wind out of their sails. Nothing really stopped it. I got really lucky that my high school had a surprisingly large 'smart kid' group (6 National Merit scholars in my graduating class of 330) and eventually I was able to keep a large enough peer group to just not have to interact with most of the kids that bullied me.

But despite my small close circle of friends, I still graduated high school feeling like an outcast. Our entire AP history class once deemed me a 'neo-nazi' because I made a comment about the biased language in some video we watched. We had studied rhetoric only a few weeks before in English, and I was wondering why the video seemed to pulling so many of the tricks we'd just learned about in order to make the holocaust look like a bad thing. It seemed unnecessary (in my innocent mind I was thinking, 'Aren't the raw facts enough to convince anyone?').

My one offhand comment (literally just the words, 'That video sure used a lot of biased language.') turned into a full-scale mocking by everyone in the classroom except my two friends (who stayed silent). The teacher never actually joined in the mocking, but he stood by while it happened, encouraged the 'debate' to last longer, and even laughed at some of the hurtful comments made to me by the other students.

I have seen more than one schoolgirl fist fight.

I don't have kids - but id probably tell her the same. Its more about teaching a lesson and giving encouragement and about standing for one self. She probably wont go gorilla on her peers. Girls tend to do it in more subtle form.

What I think is the most important thing to do is to give training by example - live the way of a warrior and kids will pick it up themselves. Be polite, kind, sincere but closely follow the rules of engagement - when someone sets tries to turn tables on you, be sure to let him know that you know the game too.

Put her through martial arts lessons with a good teacher. It's good for self-defense anyway, and I'd never want my daughter to be unprepared to defend herself if she should need to.

Not so that she can beat up the other girls, mind you, but having that sort of discipline, capability, and independence can really provide a good boost to your confidence. You know you're capable, and the taunts of others don't bother you as much.

It's not going to prevent it from bothering her, but it will certainly help her withstand it if it should come to that. If she's not bothered by their initial insults or taunts, they won't enjoy it enough to come back and harass her again.

I agree and can confirm the effectiveness of this approach. My dad saw me being bullied in kindergarten. Rather than stopping the bullying himself, he taught me how to do a choke-hold.

The next day he had to pick me up earlier as I was accused of violent behavior - for choking the bully until he turned blue.

This lesson, learned so early, helped me a lot in later school life as I was that overweight small kid with thick glasses. And every time someone tried to bully me, I simply slammed my elbow in their nuts.

Kids can be mean monsters, they can be worse than any grown up. They have no idea how much harm they are causing.

Defending yourself against predators is a very important lesson in life.

I moved around a lot as a kid, so I was the convenient target, too. My 10 yr old is in martial arts and has a green-brown belt. He absolutely loves it. I've told him to only use it as a last resort, but to use it.

I recall being bullied by a rather dull kid when in elementary school. I remember him relentlessly telling me he would kick my ass. I told my Dad and he recommended that if it push came to shove, to just punch him in the face. So, one day the kid came at me and I hit him (don't even remember where). I was never bothered again at that school.

Bullies reign when no one stands up to them.

I really don't want to sound like some drive by detractor on the Internet, so let me explain where I'm coming from.

I was that 10 year old kid. I had a junior black belt in karate at around 12 years old. My dad really kind of enjoyed it vicariously and was proud of my accomplishments. He also, like you, believed that I had attained some skills that could be used for real self defense. He told me that it should be used only as a last resort, as if it were a secret weapon. The fact is, it was nothing of the sort. I could never handle myself in a fight, and I never had the confidence that I could, either.

There are many martial arts dojos out there that sell exactly what kung fu movies sell: fantasy. These are the dojos that every kind of kid goes to and they all just love love love it, and their parents just think it's so great and fun. These are the dojos where you will see people lined up in rows to repeatedly kick and punch and block the air while yelling "kyah!" or something to that effect. Sometimes they'll kick and punch pads that instructors are holding, and sometimes they'll be paired off to "spar" really lightly with one another, where the mere soft contact of a gloved hand on the chest represents a hit. Memorization of fight/dance moves is a major part of progressing from each belt. The one thing that these dojos will not do is have your son or daughter fight anybody.

The simple fact is that you cannot learn to fight without fighting. Punching the air or a pad does not prepare you physically, emotionally, or mentally for punching a person. Totally dominating imaginary attackers in an elaborate dance may have something to do with arts, but absolutely nothing to do with martial. Not even a false sense of confidence is given to these kids, because when faced with a real threat, they know very well that they're not prepared. The false sense of confidence is sold to the parents.

It certainly doesn't hurt to take your kid to a dojo like this, because at least they have fun and get a decent workout. But the real reason I wanted to go as a kid was to learn how to fight, and my dad thought that was exactly what I was learning, and it ultimately proved to be a great disappointment because of these mismatched expectations.

I don't know what kind of dojo you take your kid to, but the advice from this random guy on the Internet is to make sure your expectations are being matched. A fun workout with a group of peers is good for a kid, but if you (and him) really want to develop fighting skills, I strongly recommend trying something like wrestling or Jiu-Jitsu. It needs to be a place where the kids are pitted against each other in a well-controlled environment, where the goal is to physically overpower your opponent.

You're right that many martial arts teachers/schools are like this. But there are some that aren't. I've taken had the good fortune to learn from three or four instructors, and there is no doubt in my mind that every one of them has a very high level of skill and is able to apply that skill in real-world situations. The problem is how to find these people and distinguish them from the fakes.

I was bullied quite a bit when I started 1st grade at a new school. Luckily I had two older brothers at the school. A couple times I pointed out the dudes responsible and they would go have a word with them and that'd take care of it.

I guess you get bullied when the other party things they have little to lose and lots(of pleasure) to gain. Soon as you signal they might have something to lose and they believe you they move on to the next victim.

A few times I remember just cursing out the bullies OUT LOUD. I was considered so weak that they never thought I'd do that. Once I did, the bullying stopped.

Maybe my experience with high school bulles is atypical. I went to a very small high school (my graduating class had 32 people in it), and I was also a big kid. I was (and am) 6'4", I played tennis constantly. Despite being in alright shape, I was definitely a "fat" kid, definitely a nerd, and I definitely took a lot of flak for it.

Until I stopped taking flak for it. Bullies are just trolls in real life. Letting them make you feel dejected (or showing it) just feeds them...it's just like internet trolls.

Responding back to them, not violently, but trolling them back meant that you were no longer a victim, but were just playing the same game. Eventually, I made friends with the kids that used to tease me.

I really don't think that responding violently to bullies is the answer. That just further serves to enforce an "us" and "them" mentality. Bullying them back, just playing their game back at them makes it into a game. Eventually, at least for me, bullying turned into friendly jabbings.

Just to re-iterate many of the above comments. When I was in 7th grade (in Jamaica you are about 11 in 7th grade), I was perpetually bullied by one guy. Another 7th grader, but because I came from a middle class upbringing and he from lesser means, perhaps he felt a need to exude a 'gangster' image.

Given that I was one of the smallest guys in the class, that naturally meant I became a target.

At first I would try to ignore it, but it never went away.

Well, one day I decided I wasn't going to take it and I fought back. I hit him a few times and we rumbled together and I ended up having him in a 'sleeper hold' - i.e. my arm around & in front of his neck, with my other arm locked around the back of his head - with him fading quickly.

In a fit of desperation he quickly pulled out a compass (the one that had a 1-inch long point) and stabbed me in my arm - to get me to let go. Well, it worked, I let go instantly.

The pain was intense - but he was able to get his breath back. As soon as we both realized what he did, I turned to walk to the bathroom (because it had started bleeding by now), but he thought I was going to the principal's office. Naturally he ran after me apologizing profusely and literally BEGGED me not to go to the principal.

I bluffed a bit, and indicated to him that if he ever troubled me again I am going straight there.

That was the end of that...for the rest of my high school career he never troubled me again. As a matter of fact, if he ever saw anyone else try picking on me, he would kinda take up for me.

So while I wouldn't say 'take something hard and knock them in the back of their head' but simply fighting back and standing up for yourself can help significantly.

Although, a word of caution, I could have easily been stabbed elsewhere (like my eye, or head). So take that for what it's worth and advise your kids of the real potential consequences of fighting back - not to mention further retribution by the bully's friends (which is a very real possibility here in Jamaica).

That being said, I am definitely going to advise my son to hit back - but do it wisely and make sure not to do TOO much damage. i.e. once they back off, stop, leave, and report it (or not, as my case proved) or call me to at least let me know there was an issue.

Edit: Oh and for the record, the wound took about 2 months to heal properly and hurt like a mother-lover, for what it's worth.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."

Reading this thread, it occurs to me once again how countercultural the Sermon on the Mount is, and how hard it is to seriously live it.

I wouldn't recommend this as a plan of action for somebody else's kid. Or for others, in a pluralist political context. Or for nations. Because hey, this goes down to a very basic belief about how to live rightly and wrongly in the world, and how to respond to violence and evil.

"Reading this thread, it occurs to me once again how countercultural the Sermon on the Mount is, and how hard it is to seriously live it."

On the other hand, the reward (if you believe it) is eternal paradise of some kind. Infinite good in exchange for some finite pain. Yay religion.

You speak like someone who doesn't understand Christianity from the inside. Knowing God is its own reward. The Christian life is not a video game. Heaven is not an Achievement. Suffering is not inconsequential.

Seems like Ender's Game 101. Thoroughly agree, and wish I'd had the balls to carry it through when I was bullied as a kid.

My dad gave me this very advice at the time, but I was too cowardly to follow it...

How many of us who got picked on would have had the guts to follow this advice anyway? I don't think that many of these kids have anything that they are holding back for lack of better advice, as if they can calmly choose their reaction when the time comes. How do you get rid of paralyzing fear?

Shouting helps.

Good advice generally. Although there are rare very serious cases when even this does not help. There was a mentally ill guy in our primary school who was strong, wild and agressive like an animal. (He has done weight training every day being 11 years old!) He had no respect of his own life, so if someone fought back he would fight until really dangerous levels. The older the guys are the more dangerous this whole thing can get. In an extreme situation the best thing someone can do is to tell everything their parents. The serious bully in our school was first 'met' by the father of a bullied girl and later were fired from the school.

As someone who used to be somewhat of a bully, I think this is the best advice. Bullies pick on smaller kids because they're insecure about themselves and bullying a smaller kid is... well, easy. If a smaller kid makes it difficult for bullies to pick on them (by fighting back), the bully will most likely stop (and move on to another victim).

You make a good point (and it takes guts to admit being a bully): the anti-bullying strategy is to make the bully pick a different target.

You don't have to be "un-bullyable", you just have to be less bullyable than the next guy.

However, I still believe it's possible to fight back in a non-physical manner. My experience has always been that wit is sharper than fists, so I plan to teach my kids to fight back with language, not punches.

Believe me, that will make most bullies even more angry. They'll feel more insecure because now they're inferior to the "shrimp" in a way. It's just adding fuel to the fire.

It worked for me growing up.

I attended 8 schools between ages 12 and 18 (yes, more than one per year) and was bullied throughout.

And that's why comparing parenting strategies is almost never fruitful -- nearly every decision a parent makes is deeply personal, made with very few data points.

( By the way, if any parents here have NOT read Nurture Shock, buy it right now. Pretty much the only data-driven book on parenting there is. http://www.amazon.com/dp/0446504122 )

I was with you until the fight dirty part. Often but not always bullying is due to insecurity. While I will definitely recommend to my son to stick up for himself and others he cares about (sorry but turn the other cheek is not my thing) I would never tell him to fight dirty.

Win or lose, getting beat up is not the end of the world. Some people are tougher and that's just the way it is. Winning a fight against a bully is not nearly as important as showing the balls to fight even if you don't think you stand a chance. It won't always produce good results one-off, but overall it'll be worth it.

As for some of these comments advising trickery like showing strength, staring, talking crap etc. Doesn't work. Once you've been in a few fights you understand this. A lot of it's on a subconscious level and your body language will make it obvious that you're trying to avoid a fight while pretending to act mean. People sense that and it's the absolute quickest way to lose a few teeth. So what if he's bigger and stronger? The quickest way to end a fight is to hit hard and fast with an utter lack of fear. If you really are at a huge disadvantage then yeah it won't go so well. But if that's the case you weren't going to scare him off with intellectual techniques either.

For me the reason to not fight dirty is also that it gives the enemy the license to also fight dirty. When I was a kid, there was some unwritten honor code to not punch each other in the balls. Or maybe not honor, just fear of reciprocal actions. I think it made a lot of sense.

It all depends on the context of course. If somebody would try to do me serious harm, of course I would kick his balls. If it is just about domination, might not be such a good idea. Even more so with scarier stuff (knives, hard objects) - this could become dangerous really fast.

The quickest way to end a fight is to hit hard and fast with an utter lack of fear.

You could still compensate your lesser size with a lead pipe or a stick.

It does crack me up that people think being nice to a bully will work. They realize that bullies act out of misery due to self esteem issues, but they think one high school kid, who the bully sees as a helpless victim, saying something like "I value you as a person" is going to turn around the bully's self esteem.

Humans don't work that way. Years of ingrained low self worth take years of effort to correct. Going Joe Pesci on one of them works in minutes.

I agree with responding to physical abuse with violence. But hitting someone for verbal abuse seems nonsensical, dumb, and animalistic.

Growing up being a short, brown-skinned, fatty-snotty nerd gain me a lot of verbal abuse, but I always was very good with wit and snark and more than once, the abuser ended up crying.

Funny enough, this ability gave me enough respect that almost nobody ever tried to physically abuse me.

This is probably the soundest advice to dealing with bullying I have ever seen. As a kid that has been to 7 different schools in 2 different countries (and learned English in '99), I assure you "hugging it out" with the bully will lead to you getting humiliated.

They do not respect loving them. They do not respect constructive dialogue. Your peers will not respect you for trying to reach out to them. In fact they will see you as a kiss-ass, or worse a "bitch" (sorry but that's the term).

I moved to the US in '02. Attended a great Catholic school for 8th grade. Was accepted despite the funny accent and funny name. Went to high school and had a miserable 1st month of school thanks to a group of jackasses. One of them had the gall to touch me after which I took a lunch tray to a kids face. God my butt handed to me but guess what? No more bullying. Hell I got elected to the student council, dated some great girls, and had a great high school experience.

Stand up for yourself. It might hurt but you will get respect. Kids/teens are animals. No need to go cerebral on them.

If you find yourself to be interested in this sort of thing more broadly, in the justification of violence or it's utility, I recommend William T. Vollmann's exhaustive, intricate attempt to establish a framework for understanding the motivations, morals, and ethics of violence in his work Rising Up and Rising Down: Some thoughts on Violence, Freedom & Urgent Means.

To give some idea of what the text is like, here's a little bit of it from a section called "Where Do My Rights End?":

   Justified Choices of the Self:
   1. Whether or not to violently defend itself against violence; 
   2. Whether or not to violently defend someone else from violence.
   3. Whether or not to destroy itself.
   4. Whether or not to help a weaker self destroy itself, to  save it from a worse fate.

   Conditions: 
   1. No attachment to nonviolent creeds. 
   2. No attachment to collectivity or authority which might prohibit the self from removing itself from "the line of fire"
   Caveat to (1) and (2): So-called involunrtary attachments are not binding..." (pg 81-82. Abbr. Edition)

   ...

The abridged edition from which I quote above is over 700 pages and includes case studies and narratives of people, nations or groups acting a certain way, which Vollmann slotting them into his "Moral Calculus," I haven't had a chance to finish it yet but I remain interested in the elaborate thought experiment that is the book and the vividness of the historical anecdotes it contains.

Vollmann would fully support responding to violence in kind, there's a long section on non-violent movements and their utter hopelessness in the face of regimes unwilling (like bullies) to tolerate any dissent.

[The classic example of this is perhaps Harry Turteldove's story "The Last Article," which proposes Ghandi campaigning in a Nazi occupied India and ends just as you would expect it to.]

When I was in high school, I was hassled a lot by a bully, who enjoyed showing off to the (largely female) class by bullying me. He also had the nasty habit of grabbing and crushing the testicles of other boys when cornered.

One particularly bad day, after school, I went home, got a baseball bat (and ball, in case I was stopped by cops). Took a sidekick, went back to school, and looked for the bully. He ran back onto school grounds (I wasn't going to risk a suspension by going into school with a weapon), but I made sure that a few people in class knew I was looking for him. When I went into school the next day I got a grovelling apology from him, and was never bullied again. I was surprised by how well it worked.

Looking back more than a decade, I cannot believe how incredibly foolish I was, but it convinced me that bullies are most effectively stopped by the most primitive means.

There was a mean, mean guy in my high school who endlessly bullied my sister and I (and many others). If I had thrown a punch at him, he would of beat me within an inch of my life.

Years later I found out from a childhood friend that he was beaten regularly by his drunk of a father. He ended up himself in prison for repeat drunk driving/vehicular manslaughter

Early on, I definitely felt a sense of schadenfreude at this news (him being in prison). As the years went on though, and having reaped the benefits of my circumstance for an good education, career, wife and a family, I can't help but reflect somewhat on his life and his circumstance.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

It's essentially the tit-for-tat response, which turns out to be a very effective strategy for all sorts of things, not just bullies.

Four words:

Iterated Prisoner's Dilemma; Retaliating.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prisoners_dilemma#The_iterated_...

I have never quite figured out how I'd teach my kid this. I never had to deal with violent bullies myself (even though I was totally a geek, I kind of made friends with skaters and druggies etc, and I later heard a lot of them respected me) so I have no life-experience with fighting back.

Only time things ever came to blows, the other guy (who struck first) was 8-10 years older than me, muscular and a good 2-3 feet taller, and that is a fight you do NOT fight.

Fighting with other kids you're locked into primary school with is vastly different than doing so as an adult.

Fighting as an adult is pretty stupid and a good way to get a felony record.

Of course. If you're referring to my second line of text, I was ~12 and the other guy was ~20.

I agree with the author. In the meantime, the authorities should be doing something about the bullying themselves. Here's an interesting article about an unusual bullying-reduction program:

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/08/fighting-bul...

And if it works, that's great, and I'm all for it. But while we're waiting, I agree with the author's post.

Wow I'm really shocked that this story is getting so much credits.

First of all I'm 22 and not living US so I can only talk about growing up in Germany but there is one thing I learned growing up in Germany: Fist fighting is not a solution. I never used my fists in my entire live (!!) to beat someone cause I don't think it could change a situation into a better situation.

I think we can all talk. Saying that it is what works because of our "animal nature" it's plane wrong. We would never live in this democratic world if everyone would use their fists to make things right.

Also it is really URGENT to tell kids that this is not a solution cause this will never be a solution while getting older and sometime a job. At work it will not help you to beat someone if he/she is bullying around with you. You will lost your job if you do so.

So please stop telling your kids a solution which only COULD (I don't think it works though) work in school. Worst thing what can happen is that your kids will try to solve every problem with a solution father told him/her.

Last but not least I know very well how hard school can be for kids but developing a good personality needs downs and ups. We are all "nerds" and I think we know hard times really well.

Thank you for listening.

Although this particular experience wasn't physical in nature, I wrote an essay recently that argues the opposite: http://www.petermichaud.com/essays/your-inner-monster/

But I have to say, in an acutely dangerous situation, the right thing to do is physically defend yourself. Then you can love the person, if they are still alive.

I agree with this as it pertains to kids in school. I wish I better knew how to defend myself as a gangly teenager. I fully plan on making sure my son know knows how to defend himself and when it is appropriate to do so.

However, the author goes on to describe attacking people trying to mug him - that's a bit foolhardy I think. Sure, it may work with some people who thought they had an easy mark, others might pull out a knife and gut you. I'm not saying you hug they guy and tell him how swell he is - but for the sake of yourself and anyone that might be with you - just give them your wallet or car or whatever it is. Now if you feel they are going to put you in a situation where you won't be able to defend yourself (they want to cuff you, tie you up, etc) - now you have an argument for going on the offensive.

My son is 8 and had to deal with some minor bullying in 2nd grade. The best thing we ever did was sign our son up for tackle football at the end of 2nd grade.

Now, when needed (so far only in football) he knows how to hit, get hit and not fear it.

This guy is right on. I have a brother who is very reserved and quiet, and would be the last person you would expect to get in a fight. He and I were both bullied when we were little, and he had this one guy that would never give him a break. One day it went too far and my brother decided to involve a cricket bat. Teachers came and broke up the fight, they both got taken to the principals office, etc... My brother was willing to apologize, but of course the bully just kept being a dick in front of the principal. Brother? Got off the hook. Bully? Suspended - never bothered him again.

I remember having two fights in my entire school time. One in elementary school and one in secondary school. Both were about what I would let others do to me. After both fights I never had to fight again in that school. I don't even remember if I had "won" or "lost".

My parents let me do Judo and Ice Hockey at that time. I wasn't very strong or big but I learned some things in Judo class. Mostly how to fall and how bring someone down. I never liked fighting for my belts so I stopped doing Judo after a couple of years with the blue belt.

I intend to give my son the opportunity to learn some martial arts too.

This is all so terribly foreign to me... almost nothing I read here makes sense. In the Romania I grew up in if you had serious trouble with other kids you just talked to the teachers or your parents, and they'd solve the problem. Worst case would be a parent to parent chat.

I think I was under 10 when I upset a girl who lived next door. Don't remember really what I did, but I sure as hell remember her father chasing me three blocks, only to tell me very gently that it wasn't nice and he'll have to talk to my parents if I did it again.

This can also apply to the business world: As soon as some other company tries to damage you in an unfair way you are supposed to fight.

But like for kids, the other guy can be just too big for you to fight back.

Ah, but it doesn't apply to the business world, that's the thing. What makes school bullying viable is that nothing you do matters---the effect of everything you do is delayed twelve years. Everyone progresses at the same rate through the institution, in spite of high or low performance. So if no one's going to outrace you (and even if they did, it would only be academically, which no one cares about it in k-12), there's no real penalty for becoming some poor kid's private nightmare.

Not so much in the business world (and especially tech); while you're busy engaging in a dogfight with Joe Competitor, some third company is kicking your trash by spending money on R&D rather than winning a marketing/feature war. So it generally makes sense to avoid direct confrontation, because it slows you down.

Everybody respects a brave warrior, even enemies or especially the enemies.

Even captured warrior. In WW1 and WW2 many captured pilots were treated with dignity - one of such stories: http://www.campking.net/WORLDWAR.html

Or the notorious Douglas Bader escape: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Douglas_Bader#Prisoner_of_War

Why do we encourage more violence when we can just get schools to tolerate bullying less, and then encourage kids to report the bullying. I mean if they're shoving food in your mouth and throwing things at you they should be expelled.

Sure you should defend yourself if someone is physically about to harm you but I think most kids being bullied don't do this because they are weaker/outnumbered and it's just going to anger the bullies more. The smart thing to do is to report them because the system shouldn't tolerate them.

Good advice for my kids. I've had similar experiences, since I lived in many different places and at each place, I had to go through it again. After awhile, I started to do it pre-emptively by scoping out the assholes and wait for them to say anything even remotely provocative then I pounced. Since I'm smaller and weaker, I can't say I win even half the time, but they leave me alone 100% of the time after the fights. Some even become my friends.

Don't underestimate the element of surprise! Hit first, hit hard, son! :)

You don't end a fight by starting a fight. It works in theory, but it just causes a culture of violence.

People who are bullied are bullied because of they way they are perceived by others. You notice how there are a lot of neutral people who nobody bullies?

There are the bullies on one extreme, then there are a lot of neutrals, then there are the bullied on the other extreme. Asking a person who is bullied to hit someone is not solving the problem at all, it is actually contributing to the 'weirdness' factor that made that person bullied in the first place. The people who are bullied are not bullied just because they look physically weak, but because they are giving off the wrong social vibe. Doing something like hitting someone is not addressing the real issue.

To stop a child from being bullied, you need to address the short term problem, and you need to adress the long term problem. The short term problem is that the people need to stop, and the long term problem is that he needs to gain a lot of confidence and properly learn how to integrate himself in a social situation. He needs to learn to assert himself, and not be weak.

The short term solution can be solved without violence. If a person is bullying you, and you just say nothing, just scowl and lean towards the person with your arms swinging free, look straight into the eyes of the people without blinking, speak in a low cold voice, then walk away without looking back you can almost always stop further aggravation. Most bullied people make the mistake of smiling and trying to laugh off the problem, then going into a body posture that says they are defensive, and hopping from foot to foot or fiddling with clothes, and looking down. This encourages the bullies, because you are displaying beta-male behaviour.

The long term solution involves forcing the child into a lot of social activities, so that he learns how to establish and build social hierachies. Also, a lot of physical activity, particular where he can get to dominate, and also team sports where he is working with people less competent than him will also help teach him to assert himself.

Saying somethin like "punch the person" is not only not very clever, it's also practically undoable for most bullied people. Most bullied kids are small wimpy and non-assertive kids. They can't punch anyone. Don't give this pointless advice.

I was a bullied kid.

In middle school, teaching me to be less weird would have been pretty difficult. Teaching me to hit back--well, I didn't even have to be taught. Turned out hitting back stopped the bullying, and growing up stopped the weirdness (at least, I think it did).

Your advice is probably good for kids who are just unpopular and weird. Once the line is crossed into violence, though, it's a different class of problem. There are only two responses to violence: involve the authorities, or if the authorities aren't present or don't care, hit back. The situation in that respect is more like prison than like coaching a weird kid in social skills.

Culture of violence? That already exists as soon as kids are getting bullied. A culture of violence is only solved when adults in authority care enough to become involved. People don't physically bully each other at work because if you did, the police would take you to jail. People do physically bully each other in school and in prison because in both cases, the authorities don't care.

It sounds like you're saying that it's the bullied kids fault because he's socially awkward?

The point you've missed in this article isn't to START a fight. It's that if someone starts one with you, you better bloody well finish it. The key phrase, "as soon as someone puts their hands on you..."

This isn't about defending an assault of words with an assault of fists. This is about defending yourself from violent, aggressive morons. Walking away from someone intent on hitting you will just result in you getting hit from behind. The best solution is to dig in and hope for the best. You're gonna cop a hiding anyway, at least defend yourself.

I don't think anyone is suggesting violence as a solution to bullying. But you sure as hell can't defend yourself from violence by joining in more social activities.

Sorry for being snarky. But you were one of the neutrals, yes?

You see - everything you said is true, just the order is completely wrong. You see, its impossible to do what you proposed as an act of assertion. Since one would need to already be confident and assertive.

And that's just why its so hard to do if you're the weak bullied kid. You'd need to have solved the long term problem, before you can even think to tackle the short term.

I agree with you and with Sebastian. As in most things, context needs to be given. In settings with 1 or 2 bullies, a show of strength is enough to have someone back down. In other settings with many bullies, I agree with max here in that it's better to solve it without violence.

My mom taught for many years in urban inner-city high schools. Had she stood up to bullies who bullied other kids or teachers she would have had to deal with bullies whose parents had been shot or killed in drug deals. There is a different mentality there.

Sometimes a show of strength is the best thing, sometimes a show of kindness is the best thing.

Funny that the standard response is to fight back the bullying kids. Another possible reaction is to outsmart them.

Just make fun of them. Make them the laughing stock of the whole class. Bully them verbally. Make fun of them and suddenly you'll become more popular - which will likely insulate you from any further bullying.

Maybe I was lucky, but this strategy worked wonders for me back in the days.

I'm sincerly surprised that a community as educated as HN only suggests brute force as an effective response to school bullying.

That's easy to say, but very hard for socially awkward bullied kids to actually implement. If you could even think about making a bully "the laughing stock of the whole class", then you were exceptional among victims.

Given current events, I'm surprised this wasn't about the TSA.

This is an excellent article. I was bullied when I was in highschool and guess what? I fought back and they backed down. It not only made me overcome the bullies, but it gave me greater confidence in my adult years to not take crap from anyone.

Additionally people rarely change so those bullies you faced back in your childhood are sitting around you at your place of work as well. Do not let them have the time of day, and do not give in to them, fight back.

The "love the bully" approach actually worked for me on one occasion. But you know, if it hadn't worked, I wouldn't feel bad about slugging him back.

If you really want to fight back, fight smart and fight dirty, call the police immediately after anything illegal (violence and threats of violence are illegal). File a report with the police after they arrive, photograph any bruises, etc. Upon repeat or grievous offenses, file appropriate lawsuits against the school and parents of bully. Yeah, it's lame, but not as lame as fighting fire with fire.

Statistically speaking, I would say this is not bad advice.

My guess is that less than 5% of bullies are prepared to actually fight. Therefore, even if you are setting your kid up for a beating it's only likely to happen with 4% or so of bullies. I would say this lean risk is far preferable to the daily torment that comes along with consistent bullying.

Just a different take on it. Comments have been good otherwise.

Agreed.

Bullies are animals. The only thing they respond to is something so simple that they can understand it.

If you try to explain that society expects more of them and they are disappointing society by not being a contributing member, you will fail because they are too dense to understand.

They do, however, understand violence. And if they cross the line, don't hesitate. Fight back. Otherwise you risk being branded an easy target.

Reminds me, oddly enough, of one of the early sequences in Ender's Game. Ender beats a guy to mush, so that it will never happen again.

Ender killed that kid.

Ender was deliberately put in a position where he was forced to fight back or get killed. His "handlers" wanted a dehumanized person capable of everything, including genocide.

"The task of the training battalions is to crush and completely destroy the individual, however strong a character he may have possessed, and to fashion out of that person a type to fit the standards of spetsnaz, a type who will be filled with an explosive charge of hatred and spite and a craving for revenge." Source: http://militera.lib.ru/research/suvorov6/index.html

It's a book by Viktor Suvorov "Spetsnaz. The Story Behind the Soviet SAS". A quick and interesting read.

Violence and degradation is a common method of training soldiers. Some (not me) would say the school system is deliberately set in this fashion.

It's a fine line really, knowing when to fight back, retort or walk away. If you never teach/encourage your son how to hold their own, then you are doing them a disfavor. Probably the caveat I would throw in is that the older your child is, the higher the stakes are (in physical terms), and the more likely something very ugly will result.

This article is the seventh result on Google for "make violence on" (quotes included). Can a native speaker comment on this use?

It sounds odd/interesting to me and given that the rest of the article is well written, this puzzles me quite a bit. I normally associate such uses of 'make' with native speakers of Arabic, which obviously doesn't apply.

As a native english speaker, I paused when I saw that construct too. Looking at the google results, these are examples of the way I would expect those words to be put together:

* "Video games could make violence on the whole seem more 'okay.'"

* "Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has promised to make violence on the basis of sexual orientation a priority for her office."

The only google result that seems similar to the original article is from asianoutlook.com:

"You can make violence on weeds, ideas, and terror, but not war."

In that sense, it's closer to the phrase "make war on", which is much more common. Without knowing any asian languages, I would assume that they use war and violence somewhat interchangeably, which would explain the odd phrasing.

It seems like a pre-meditated attempt at non-standard usage. Sounds kind of like something Samuel L. Jackson might say in righteous anger.

It's a bit nonstandard sounding to me, but understandable.

It isn't real love to "talk it out" with them anyway. If it doesn't bless them and yourself it's not love anyway.

Things as they actually are is the only way that they are in truth.

So the teaching that it's loving them is what's false -- not that love itself couldn't help. In this case, it was a kind of love of oneself to fight back and protect oneself.

Back in my school days, I was the constant victim of bullying (probably like many hoer geeks). I wasn't strong enough to hit back, and I also just could not get myself to hurt anybody. I still can't.

And even when looking back at what has happened (trust me, the stories of this and the article this one links to are nothing), I pride myself on not falling back to the ways of a savage animal.

I feel that it's deeply wrong to hurt anybody. How are you better than the bullies once you begin to hurt others?

How do you make sure you don't cross the boundary between self-defense and being a bully yourself? Even though it might feel good. Do you really want to be what you hate?

School is hard, but once you get to know people who respect you and take you for what you are (a nerd in my case), things get better and you will even feel pride for what you are instead of constantly hating yourself.

Take comfort in the fact that you lived up to your ideals of humanity and be proud of what you have become. Use the brain you got for good instead of shutting it off for revenges sake. Be human.

i agree with what he is saying. I don't believe in picking fights. I do believe in standing up for your self and others. If they say that they are gonna punch you call them on it ask them to punch you. The whole reason why they do it is because ppl turn around and walk away. i am 16 right now and have been training in various martial arts since i was 7 and i still get bullied, the difference is that i don't hesitate to fight. I also get angry when i see a bigger kid picking on smaller kids. When i see that i go and rough the bigger kid up a bit. From doing this i have seen a huge difference in the bullies at my school. on the note i do recommend going to the teacher first, but if that doesn't work then your on your own

As my father told me, avoid the situation if you can but if you can't, the way to deal with the bully is to "Take the profit out of it."

You simply have to make yourself an uninviting target.

A rare trip the priciple's office is a fair price to pay for multiple years of freedom from bullying.

I couldn't agree more with this article. My father was old school and told me to do whatever I needed to do (to not be bullied). Stand up for yourself and you gain respect for yourself and from others. (and it most likely wont happen again)

Whatever happened to 'just ignore them'. Personally, I think that's always the best policy (Unless you're in imminent danger).

Also can work well in business. If someone is being a pain, just ignore them and don't give them the publicity they're seeking.

It's terrible, terrible advice, because it doesn't work with physical violence. I've talked to multiple people who tried this and were bullied mercilessly in response.

Kids (of a certain age) don't know when to stop. They naturally try to establish a pecking order, and woe to whoever's at the bottom.

Note that I'm not saying you should go punch someone who verbally insults you. I'm specifically talking about responding to violence.

As someone who was bullied and ignored it, all I can say is it didn't really help. I did eventually stand up for myself against one bollox who used to be friendly to me at school and voila, all of the bullies stopped.

This is after being bullied from the age of 9 to 14, and boy did I hate school. College was a different matter.

I'm in the UK so it's probably quite different. I don't think as a nation we're anywhere near as confrontational, not to mention guns millitary etc

For me, it worked fine. (As well as obviously telling teachers and getting them involved if needed).

I absolutely detest parents who tell their kids "If someone hits you, hit them back harder"

The emphasis should be on "until he puts his hand on you". He's asserting that violence is an appropriate response to violence. If a boy has a reputation for defending himself ferociously, boys will tend to shy away from bullying him. However, I think to be effective in some cases, the boy has to prove that he is willing to go to self-destructive lengths to fight back.

I think parents should be counseled when children are involved bullying.

Bullying doesnt stop when school ends. There are bullies everywhere you look, in your office, on the roads. If you learn to run away in school you will never learn to stand up for yourself

We had a discussion on another blog post regarding this book a month ago or something.

http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1764236

I was only bullied once in school. I retaliated, give him a busted lip (he beat me harder, though), and noone messed with me after that again.

Children should be taught http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satyagraha

Why are there no bullies responding to this thread? Is HN really so one-sided that nobody that was a bully hangs around here?

http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1765749

Michael Lewis had a line in "Liars Poker" about dealing with asshole traders: lift weights and take karate.

And never forget the old Klingon proverb: Revenge is a dish best served cold

I guess they believed this too? Or maybe not until too late?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Columbine_High_School_massacre

This is wrong.

But son, as soon as someone puts their hands on you, they’ve crossed a line. Fuck them up. It’s the only thing these vicious freaks understand. They’re wild animals. They make violence on you, you need to show them that you’re the stronger, bigger animal. When someone attacks you maliciously for no reason, you need to impose your will on them.

All unwelcome contact is considered to be enemy contact, and nuclear retaliation is offered as the solution.

And yet not all contact is roughhousing, not all roughhousing is bullying, and not all bullying justifies maximum retaliation. Of course, implicit in this advice is the ability to distinguish how offensive or aggressive an unwanted contact actually is, and to measure one's response appropriately...exactly the sort of thing kids (usually) learn by experience, but (frequently) miss when receiving knowledge transmissions from a trusted moral authority.

This is not an argument for pacifism or passivity: I am well aware that not all aggressive people secretly want to be loved or are just having difficulty making polite conversation. I was a small child and remain a fairly small adult; I've been bullied (in school) and attacked by various street criminals (as an adult) - more than most people, I'd guess. I dislike fights and haven't started one since age 8 or so, but I will finish one if it is forced upon me, and also enjoy non-competitive martial arts (ie fighting with other students for enjoyment of skill rather than pursuit of belts).

Going all-out in response to attack is a poor strategy, rooted in fear rather than confidence. It may not be appropriate in the first place; indeed, bullies and criminals frequently exhibit a victim mentality and complain that the target of their aggression 'made them do it.' Overlooking this factor assures that sooner or later a person will end up wondering how s/he ended up being the bad gal/guy - if not for physical fighting, then in an employment or domestic context. Secondly, it may not be necessary: the aim of self-defense is to end the confrontation and deter future attacks, and most attacks are experimental or opportunistic. Such opponents will quickly fold in face of equivalent resistance, and often when confronted with far less (eg a push in response to a punch). Violently revenging your hurt feelings, rather than merely defending your hurt person, forces your attacker into defending themselves with an least an equivalent degree of fervor. You win by holding your ground and seeing your opponent quit; to withholding this option is to rob yourself of your own victory. No outcome that takes place under duress yields certainty to the immediate beneficiary. Thirdly, if your attacker is serious and dangerous, then going all-out can be quite dangerous. Such moves are more apparent and less calculated, and an experienced opponent can easily exploit this to use your own strength against you.

Having been on both ends of this equation, I feel comfortable in saying that the person who loses their temper will lose any resulting fight too. Conflicts are mental problems, to which the physical aspects are often only a footnote.

You're having the opposite reaction to this than I am. From my point of view, he's not recommending a 'nuclear retaliation' at all. Instead, he's saying that you have to play the same bullying 'game' in reverse. He urges you wait for a provocation, and then to attack them with your fists, in public, and suffer the quasi-legal consequences in return for the social standing it provides.

I don't like this advice, because I don't want to ever be forced to play this game. If you threaten my physical safety, I'm either going to ignore you and move along, give in and go the police afterward, or I'm going to kill you. Not figuratively; there is no game. I hope to never get to that point, but there is no chance that I'd try to beat an aggressor with my fists fair-and-square. Instead, I will ensure that they never threaten me again.

That's the nuclear option.

Thank heavens, someone else who thinks the answer is "read the situation and act appropriately" rather than a black and white fight-or-flight response.

You don't need to hit a bully to break his power.

The trick is to emasculate them. Show them you don't care. When they insult you or hurt you, laugh at them. You just have to mean it.

I was bullied for years until I realized one day why they bullied me - I smelled of fear, and I didn't react, I just stood there and looked at them. Suddenly it all made sense, they were like braindead sharks to blood.

So I started smiling and laughing at them.

Took the wind right out of their sails, and they weren't able to force me to come down to their level.

I won.

Play their game and they still win on some level, because hurting another person hurts yourself.

What's all this talk about "their level"?

"Hurting someone hurts yourself", bullshit. Revenge is sweet. Defending yourself is not a weakness or immoral, it's rather noble.

If you go with the "laugh at them" technique, they will still go around bullying other kids.

But, stand up and fight them, and they learn a lesson that bullying has some serious consequences. You also set an example to other bullies and other kids being bullied.

> But, stand up and fight them, and they learn a lesson that bullying has some serious consequences.

No. They'll just learn that bullying you has serious consequences, and that they should find an other target.

> But, stand up and fight them, and they learn a lesson that bullying has some serious consequences.

"An armed society is a polite society." -- RAH

Where "armed" just means where people are willing and able to defend themselves.

"Hurting someone hurts yourself", bullshit. Revenge is sweet.

Revenge has nothing to do with self-defense.

Unlike probably most people here on HN, I have done real violence to someone else. Over and over, in fact. I had the cops called on me and I've had to live with the consequences. And I don't mean legal consequences.

Beating up on other people kills you inside, slowly, because it shows you exactly what kind of person you are.

It doesn't matter if you're "standing up" to some other kid. Violence is violence.

I'm not saying violence is never required, but if you're resorting to violence when a smile and a chuckle will do, you're weak -- you don't have enough willpower to control yourself, or brains to think up an alternative.

Along the same lines, non-reactiveness can also work and can even be fun. There is this one kid on campus who I've run into a few times. The kid apparently knows every brown kid--except me. The first time we met he asked me if I was a freshman(I'm a senior). I went along and said yes. He went on cracking a few jokes about me. I just sat there with a coy smile on my face, staring at him, without saying a word. It didn't take long before he was the one looking really stupid making fun of a non-reactive guy. He appeared as the unfunny clown.

The same thing happend last week when I run into the same guy late night. He was there with a dozen or so friends after a night out. I was there just to grab some pizza and get back to work. So he asks me if I knew anybody here. I just shook my head and said no. He asked me my name. I told him my name. He proceeds to yell out that I am here alone and don't know anyone. Then it came out that I knew several people in his group. He looked stupid and drunk. And I got a laugh at his expense. All by just playing dumb and being non-reactive.

While I do agree you need to emasculate a bully, "smiling and laughing" only works if you're being verbally bullied. In order to emasculate a physical bully, you need to either make them feel fear or pain.

This was my method too. You attack them with words, and it's often just as good as punching them in the face. Another thing that works is to be extremely unpredictable. If they believe you may flip out on them, often that's enough.

Laugh at them, turn them in to a joke whenever they attempt to do something to you, and eventually they'll realize that people are laughing at them, not what they are doing to you.

I did have to get physical a few times but it was only the odd extreme case where this didn't work.

In 9th grade I threw a bully down a set of stairs, then proceeded to beat him with every bit of energy I had (not much, I was a fat kid). After he got out of the hospital, in casts, he stayed far, far away from me. That was the last time anybody tried bullying me. "God" isn't going to stop the bullies, a good old fashioned ass kicking is.

Yeah, good idea. If someone bullies you, just bring some guns and bombs to school. The result is always positive.

The off-topic HN posts are getting silly. This isn't coding, or business, or some kind of cool interesting hack. It's not even interesting and could be summed up in a few words instead of a long, rambling .... ah, fuck it, HN is over anyway.

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