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Comment by throwawayIn2019 | Hacker News Reader

throwawayIn2019

I've thought about if I am being selfish. I'm always doing house work, running errands, running out to pick up dry cleaning, etc. I also make all the meals and general cleaning it up afterwards.

So perhaps I'm being selfish emotionally.

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I don't really get this. Until I re-read this, I thought the point was that you need more time than your wife will let you get. But you can outsource these chores simply by hiring help. That will provide jobs to others and it's clear in your comments that you can afford it, particularly if you earn more from work done in the time you save.

Regarding selfishness, it's good to do chores, sure. Dutiful. But the kids you care for are not much mentioned. You may matter more to them together-as-a-couple than you have predicted. So perhaps you are not selfish but detached - from their emotions, and from yours. Just a guess, I don't know you, but are you perhaps too much Apollo and too little Dionysus? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apollonian_and_Dionysian

Because that might also be also leading to a passion-free partnership. Plus, if the problem is too much Apollo, your solution is going to add more of that, and worsen the problem.

Thank you for commenting. I'm pretty attached to the kids, I think. They tend to flock to me. The oldest (still under 18 months) will only let me put her to bed. But interestingly enough will only let my wife feed her.

Thank you for the Wiki link. I will read it.

I... wow. That you think it's OK to leave a perfectly salvageable marriage (My wife and I get along great. I love her. We have fun together.) when you have (or are primary guardian of) children this attached to you is... Ask yourself, are you a man? Will you accept the responsibilities that have been placed upon you?

(I'm not completely unsympathetic, but I think you need to think harder about the full consequences of your actions on those around you.)

Well, on one level, you're not. If you're doing house work, cooking, and cleaning up, you're doing better than many of us.

And yet, the way you speak about your marriage (and your reasons for wanting a divorce) still strike me as fundamentally selfish. Perhaps emotionally selfish, or perhaps that you're thinking about your marriage from a fundamentally selfish perspective. I'm having a bit of trouble putting into words why I think that, though, and how I think you should be different. So, maybe not much help...

I don't view it as selfish. Maybe I need to think that way for a change.

I view it as growth. Ensuring if I need to find a job I can. Putting out the next game that keeps food on the table (so to speak, we aren't in any danger of that). Plus, she goes out with friends and shopping. It's sort of her outlet. Mine happens to be the coding for making a living and ironically an outlet.

If you think of more words, write them, as you said you are having trouble with exact words.

This is late enough that I'm not sure you'll see it, but...

I would define love as "choosing to do what's best for the other person". I can't reconcile that with your reasons for wanting a divorce. Your focus is on you, not her. That mindset is what seems selfish to me.

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