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throwawayIn2019

I love her.

I promised "till death do us part" and I feel bad that after all this time I want to do my own thing.

I know she will move back home and I may never see her again.

She doesn't like to live alone.

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Pick an upstairs room to do your work in. Put a big sign on the door that says you may only knock on the door if the house is on fire. When you're ready for a break from working on your project, then open the door. Anyone who ignores the sign gets an immediate "Hey! Can't you read?!!"

Maybe we can put an addition on our house to make it a work space or move the kids to the addition and use their bedroom as my work space. It has an insanely large window and overlooks the lake.

Perhaps the answer is as simple as an extension for you to work in, which is set up as an airlock-style system of doors, so that you are not really disturbable by your wife. I mean simply three or more doors in a row, with a little gap between each. A den, if you prefer. Or an inner sanctum. It is at least worth a good try.

Who do you want to be? Do you want to be a guy who keeps his word, or do you want to be a guy who gets to work on his projects?

Look, I get wanting to work on your stuff. And I get how crazy it can make you when you keep getting interrupted. (Like, I get it from direct first-hand experience. "Please stop reading the internet to me. You're destroying all the space in my brain.")

But, bluntly, you sound like a very selfish person. You're measuring things only by the yardstick of what you want[1]. You need to start letting marriage change who you are, change you into someone who cares more for people than for things and projects. (In fairness, that took me a lot more than ten years.)

Don't throw your marriage away. If you do, for the reasons you said, I think you'll regret it. Instead, work on improving it, both from your perspective and from hers.

[1]: Yes, you've said that you asked her if it was OK with her. I think there are three possibilities: She's trying to put a happy face on it for you, she's mistaken about how much it's going to hurt her, or she's also unhappy in the relationship.

I've thought about if I am being selfish. I'm always doing house work, running errands, running out to pick up dry cleaning, etc. I also make all the meals and general cleaning it up afterwards.

So perhaps I'm being selfish emotionally.

Well, on one level, you're not. If you're doing house work, cooking, and cleaning up, you're doing better than many of us.

And yet, the way you speak about your marriage (and your reasons for wanting a divorce) still strike me as fundamentally selfish. Perhaps emotionally selfish, or perhaps that you're thinking about your marriage from a fundamentally selfish perspective. I'm having a bit of trouble putting into words why I think that, though, and how I think you should be different. So, maybe not much help...

I don't view it as selfish. Maybe I need to think that way for a change.

I view it as growth. Ensuring if I need to find a job I can. Putting out the next game that keeps food on the table (so to speak, we aren't in any danger of that). Plus, she goes out with friends and shopping. It's sort of her outlet. Mine happens to be the coding for making a living and ironically an outlet.

If you think of more words, write them, as you said you are having trouble with exact words.

This is late enough that I'm not sure you'll see it, but...

I would define love as "choosing to do what's best for the other person". I can't reconcile that with your reasons for wanting a divorce. Your focus is on you, not her. That mindset is what seems selfish to me.

I don't really get this. Until I re-read this, I thought the point was that you need more time than your wife will let you get. But you can outsource these chores simply by hiring help. That will provide jobs to others and it's clear in your comments that you can afford it, particularly if you earn more from work done in the time you save.

Regarding selfishness, it's good to do chores, sure. Dutiful. But the kids you care for are not much mentioned. You may matter more to them together-as-a-couple than you have predicted. So perhaps you are not selfish but detached - from their emotions, and from yours. Just a guess, I don't know you, but are you perhaps too much Apollo and too little Dionysus? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apollonian_and_Dionysian

Because that might also be also leading to a passion-free partnership. Plus, if the problem is too much Apollo, your solution is going to add more of that, and worsen the problem.

Thank you for commenting. I'm pretty attached to the kids, I think. They tend to flock to me. The oldest (still under 18 months) will only let me put her to bed. But interestingly enough will only let my wife feed her.

Thank you for the Wiki link. I will read it.

I... wow. That you think it's OK to leave a perfectly salvageable marriage (My wife and I get along great. I love her. We have fun together.) when you have (or are primary guardian of) children this attached to you is... Ask yourself, are you a man? Will you accept the responsibilities that have been placed upon you?

(I'm not completely unsympathetic, but I think you need to think harder about the full consequences of your actions on those around you.)

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