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Comment by natalyarostova | Hacker News Reader

When I read this in August it was fascinating. Since then an immediate family member was diagnosed with cancer, and it all feels so much more real and painful :(

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Hang in there ... I've ridden that particular train[1][2]. You have to be strong, positive for the family member. Know you are not alone, there have been many people who've gone through this, and as I discovered, it helps to talk to them.

I am happy to report that as of 29-Dec, we are at 7 years post op. On the 1 year anniversary of when we got the diagnosis, I saw an xkcd strip[3]. That gave me some hope of an eventual return to normalcy. A few years later, I saw one of the followons[4].

Little things like that help. They really do.

[1] https://scalability.org/2011/11/ot-it-really-focuses-your-at...

[2] https://scalability.org/2012/01/ot-what-is-and-what-should-n...

[3] https://xkcd.com/1141/

[4] https://xkcd.com/1928/

Currently riding the train for my mum who is doing fairly well after ~9 years with one recurrence, and my dad who isn't doing so well @ 4 years and two recurrences.

There's another xkcd strip that, while not as optimistic, is just as important: https://xkcd.com/931

My mom was diagnosed 1.5 years ago, and the uncertainty of it all is the worst part. It soothes my heart to know I'm not going through this alone.

You aren't alone. You need to stay strong and positive for her, but you need to be able to talk with others who've tread this path before. Many have.

Another person who wrote about this stuff, was Richard Feynman. His first wife, Arlene, had non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. He has a fairly long section of "Surely you are joking Mr. Feynman" on this. He talks about what they went through, the antics, and so forth. And he talks about the whole end of life process, as her cancer wasn't one that many people survived in the 1940's. His world view of making every second count, and not sweating the little things was fantastic.

Just make every moment count with them, regardless of the prognosis.

I'm always confused at such comments, considering how variable and different cancer can be (which is discussed in the article by the way), and how vague people seem to like to be about it ; I wish more precise denominations would be the norm.

Because when I read such encouragements I imagine them being to say, someone with a pancreatic cancer (who is short term screwed considering the odds), from someone with maybe a breast cancer or prostate cancer (rather common and fairly beatable nowadays). And that feels very odd.

The message of encouragement is to the family, "you are not alone, and you should reach out to others to help." Regardless if it is easily treatable, or an aggressive terminal cancer.

When we went through the process, there was a huge support system for my wife. Basically everyone was telling us positive messages. Some of them were wrong, but this was intended to keep her spirits and hope up. It turns out that you heal better when you have hope.

Meanwhile, I had to calm the fears of our then 12 year old daughter, help her to understand what was occuring. Simultaneously, I had to do this for my wife. And her family, and my family. All while dealing with my own worries.

It's not just the patient you have to take care of. It's everyone.

This is why knowing that others have done this, and survived, is so very important. Knowing that you can talk to them, voice your fears that you dare not do in front of your loved ones ... you need this when you are going through this.

Cancer sucks, no matter which one you deal with. I keep getting back to xkcd, as Randall and his wife went through it. Part of his "you are not alone, and it helps you to talk about it" are his strips. All the cancer ones are online along with explanations[1]. I have some favorites, that help me during this process[2][3] and especially [4] which came out last year. Read #4's panel 19 and 20 explanation to understand why this encouragement is so important.

[1] https://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php/Category:Cancer

[2] https://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php/931:_Lanes

[3] https://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php/881:_Probability

[4] https://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php/1928:_Seven_Years

Thanks for your comment. I appreciate it :)

I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in September/October. Basically it aggressively grew within a few months. I can tell you without any doubt that huge advances are coming. I expect a hockey stick in the survival rates based on new understandings of all cancers. We're right on that edge of a manageable disease. Hang in there.

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