Lies We Tell Kids

Does it count as a 'lie' if it is believed by the parent?

The reason that parents don't want kids to swear is because they genuinely believe that it is wrong for some reason. The don't know the reason themselves, and so break the rule and become hypocrites, but they still believe that it is wrong and want their children to do better than they did.

With regard to group identity (and religion,) most parents actually adhere to that identity themselves. They share the beliefs and assumptions of that group and so would be hypocrites not to instruct their children in them.

>Don't all 18 year olds think they know how to run the world? Actually this seems to be a recent innovation, no more than about 100 years old. In preindustrial times teenage kids were junior members of the adult world and comparatively well aware of their shortcomings.

This idea is fleshed out in the writing of John Taylor Gatto, a former Teacher of the Year who disagrees with near everything about modern education.

http://www.johntaylorgatto.com/underground/toc1.htm

My least favorite pg essay. It's too easy to generalize about parenting, and so little of this essay applies to me.

1. Raising a kid in the city, and quite happily. 2. No prohibitions on swears in my house. Just at Grandma's, and only because it would offend her, not because swearing is inherently bad. 3. He goes to a school where they only teach you how to read, write, and do basic math. Everything else is a child-led research project. 4. We don't lie about turkeys. Turkeys are not very smart, and have no concept of "wanting to die." If he asked this question, I'd explore vegetarian options with him. 5. Pastafarians. He can make his own spiritual allegiences when he feels the desire to do so. 6. Drugs and sex haven't come up much, beyond the basic "where do babies come from" conversation. We've done that, he's satisfied for now.

On and on. I'm not the only parent like me, either. Be careful about generalizations.

"Very smart adults often seem unusually innocent, and I don't think this is a coincidence. I think they've deliberately avoided learning about certain things. Certainly I do. I used to think I wanted to know everything. Now I know I don't."

This is the most important paragraph of this essay. It's really important for anyone who is curious in general to understand this and I have never heard it expressed before.

"The bizarre half is what makes the religion stick, and the useful half is the payload."

This is actually a very effective marketing trick if you replace "bizarre" with unusual. Look at reddit - the alien makes it sticky, Google - unusual simplicity makes it sticky, Apple - unusually good looking devices.

I do think that with religion as with products, short term stickiness comes from the surface unusualness and long term stickiness comes from the payload - the actual utility (honesty and industriousness for religion, unsually intuitive interfaces for apple products, really good search algorithms for Google, and until recently at least, entertaining stories on reddit)

For people who don't find the long term utility in religion, the stickiness that comes from common unusualness is often not enough to maintain their 'belief'. This is truer for products than for religions though - which I'm sure is an evolutionary effect. It's a much harder decision to quit your group or clan than it is to abandon things. Clearly, Apple has managed to cross this product-religion boundary, making it stickier.

Regarding the horrible nature of some things in the world - pollution, the pain and suffering our lunch goes through, etc. - I think one of the reasons people don't always tell the truth is their own comfort with the way things are might be upended. I have a 5 year old who naturally is opposed to eating meat and who is shocked by the thought of killing something to eat it. I personally don't think I would eat something if I had to kill it first, yet I enjoy a bacon cheeseburger very much. I find my own rationalizations becoming thinner and thinner the more I live with him and notice his innate repulsion to meat. I can see the influence packaging has on his thinking - chicken nuggets are acceptable to him - as far removed from an actual walking, clucking feathered chicken as you can get and still be chicken - and by reference can see the influence packaging has had on my own ability to quickly dismiss thoughts of desperate cows clambering to avoid the stun bolt as I bite into my bacon cheeseburger. I can do it quite easily, but would never kill a cow.

I think another reason we don't tell kids the truth about some of the horrible things in the world is that we ourselves shy away from them. Its as if we are all stepping over the dead horse on our way into our house, and the children point and notice the smell, but we hurry them along, anxious to be past the nastiness. Its part of our sanitized world, but I wonder if staring at the dead horse all day long isn't a kind of trap in itself. Where does it end? Can you spend your life pitying the lives of others? Thoreau makes an interesting observation:

“There was a dead horse in the hollow by the path to my house, which compelled me sometimes to go out of my way, especially in the night when the air was heavy, but the assurance it gave me of the strong appetite and inviolable health of Nature was my compensation for this. I love to see that Nature is so rife with life that myriads can be afforded to be sacrificed and suffered to prey on one another. . . . The impression made on a wise man is that of universal innocence. Compassion is a very untenable ground. It must be expeditious. Its pleadings will not bear to be stereotyped.”

Here's something potentially controversial:

I believe the most common mistake parents make with raising their kids is attempting to treat them like adults all of the time.

This trend seems to be most common with educated parents. I would bet that when/if PG has his own kids, he would fall flat for it. I'm a parent and became aware of this concept prior to having the first child. Yet I still catch myself from time to time.

The "Lies We Tell Kids" article reminds me of virtually all educated parents attempting to explain things to their children at the moment when it's least effective. I often see (in public places) parents trying their best to explain to children why candies are bad for them, why curse words are bad, etc... all the while the kids are whining and throwing further tantrums. Such attempts are completely useless. What is most effective at those moments should be a stern warning, followed by immediate action if the kid does not comply to your command. Such actions are typically: immediate timeouts, loss of privileges, etc... I'm not talking about or even suggesting spanking the kid.

Regarding the "stern warning" method above, this is my favorite: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1889140163 I consider that one of the best things I have read since having kids.

There's an interesting thing to note about sex amongst youth in rural, suburban, and urban settings. I've been privy to statistics held by birth control manufacturers (although the exact numbers evade my memory, the relations I remember). These show that urban youths begin having sex at an average age of 15. Suburban youths begin having sex at an average age of 14. Rural youths begin having sex at an average age of 13.

So, moving out to the suburbs might seem like protecting your child from having sex at an early age but the statistics would indicate otherwise.

Does PG have kids?

I'm not advocating ignoring the essay if he doesn't.

But just as I'm leery of taking startup advice from someone who hasn't done one, I'd be tempted to discount this a bit.

The issue is that there are forces afoot in your brain when you have kids which are deep, powerful and extraordinarily difficult to ignore. Pre-mammalian lower-reptilian brain stuff.

Wanting to protect them is one of those.

Besides being a woman, Marie Curie was the first and ONLY person to ever recieve a Nobel Prize in different sciences. Something her male counterparts have yet to do, so maybe there's something there besides her sex.

"Probably the biggest lie told in schools, though, is that the way to succeed is through following "the rules." In fact most such rules are just hacks to manage large groups efficiently."

Reminds me of something Seth Godin (?) once said - that the whole purpose of school is to institutionalize mediocrity

As a parent I have found myself lying to my kids exactly as layed out in this essay. Mostly along the lines of protections. I just have a couple of specific dissagreements.

Sex,

Having a soon to be 14 year old daughter this section hit close to home. My wife and I haven't told her lies about sex but we have certainly held back some things. Pregnancy and STD are important topics to understand but even more so are the emotional aspects. Sex can be a powerful binding and richly rewarding part of a relationship but only so far as each partner treats it with the appropriate respect. You may have casual sex but it comes at the cost of less meaning for sex in a committed relationship. I don't want her having sex now not because it may cloud her judgement but because I want her to be able to have something much better in the future.

Swearing,

Minor point. I tell my kids not to swear (and don't hardly swear myself) for the same reason I don't let them track mud in the house. I just think it's ugly. I hope that doesn't set me off as less educated.

Death,

There is too much to talk about in this kind of forum. I just wanted to note that talking about religion is far less controversial than talking about parenting.

I'd love to see the sequel: Lies We Tell Ourselves.

Seems like many of the things discussed have their origin in lies we continue to tell ourselves. Kids just get special versions. But if anything those instances provide a window into what we don't discuss honestly - sex, death, identity, formal education, and obeying authority.

"A sprinter in a race almost immediately enters a state called 'oxygen debt.' His body switches to an emergency source of energy that's faster than regular aerobic respiration. But this process builds up waste products that ultimately require extra oxygen to break down, so at the end of the race he has to stop and pant for a while to recover."

As a point of information, it's unusual to think of anaerobic respiration as an emergency source of energy; you tend to think of emergency situations as necessarily involving adrenaline, which increases heart rate, dilates blood vessels, etc. The biggest energy source of the 100m and 200m sprints is phosphocreatine, a very useful fuel for anaerobic metabolism; unfortunately for sprinters, it can be depleted in under ten seconds of top physical effort. (Incidentally, A.V. Hill received the 1922 Nobel Prize in Physiology for figuring out the proportions of aerobic and anaerobic metabolism that contribute to energy production in the various distances of Olympic footraces.)

This, of course, is all to say that sometimes lies aren't really malicious - as he says - but that it's simply easier to say simple things than complex things. Since it was tangential to the discussion anyway, it's no big deal.

And if you disagree (as many experts do, even amongst each other) about the role of phosphocreatine, I'll be perfectly content with you calling me a liar :)

PG: "I think they've deliberately avoided learning about certain things. Certainly I do. I used to think I wanted to know everything. Now I know I don't."

Can you give us some examples of things you don't want to know and avoid learning about? Also, you must already have some idea of what horrible truths you might discover if you learned further, so can you give us a general idea of what those are?

To a person unfamiliar with economics, accounting, math, etc. the financial markets seem magical, or at least mysterious. Prophets emerge to explain the markets, and often do so in vague and opinionated ways, that to the uninformed seem brilliant and enlightened.

Regarding this article, there are sociologists, psychologists, etc. that make a scientific/formal practice of answering questions like, 'Why do we lie to kids? What are the ramifications.'.

Where the majority of people reading pg's articles are technically proficient, our realm of knowledge generally doesn't extend into the pursuits of a sociologist/psychologist. And so those realms seem magical or mysterious to us.

Does it occur to anyone that the issues brought up in this article have probably been thoroughly studied, and well-reasoned, possibly even evidence based conclusions have been drawn, and in fact are publicly available.

In this age of information, perhaps the lie of the 'original thinking prophet' will go out of fashion.

I can think of another reason for lying to kids: because everybody else does, and if your kid doesn't play along there are consequences. I am reminded of Roman Polanski, who was Jewish but was raised Catholic at an early age to protect him from the Nazis. He ended up becoming an actual Catholic, because you can't tell a four year old that he's really a Jew, but has to pretend to be a Catholic, because they're incapable of being that deceptive. I can't remember why he finally left the Church in his teens, but it was for something like a conflict with a priest, the kind of thing that lots of gentiles have the Church over.

If your kid curses, talks about how there are no worthy black scientists, tells other kid about how the penis squirts semen into the vagina and that's where babies come from, and denies the existence of God (I live in a red state, this one may not be a big deal where some of you live, but in some places this will still mark you as a pariah), then there are certain consequences, especially if the child does it in front of adults, because other parents aren't like that. Nothing as severe as a trip to Auschwitz, but I at least want my kid to understand tribal taboos before breaking them.

I think one of the most important purposes of morality is to keep people smart and interesting. I grew up in a pretty sheltered Christian environment, and the difference between how I thought and they way the jaded teenagers at public school thought was very distinct. The behaviors that are traditionally considered sinful end up making the sinner a boring and small minded person in the long run. This is essentially because sin destroys a person's imagination.

The object of sin is usually a very strong, visceral pleasure, and if there is anything that can control the focus of a person's mind it is strong, visceral pleasure. And, when I am thinking about pleasure, I'm not really thinking about anything. It is just a feeling, and feelings don't have any kind of logical content that can lead my mind to other thoughts. Finally, engaging in visceral pleasure makes everything else seem boring by comparison, while also requiring a greater amount of the pleasure's source to get a thrill. The combined result is me having a one track mind, constantly thinking about nothing.

Adults may be able to lie to children with their words, but they can rarely pull this off with their actions.

Each of us can remember the many times when, as children, we witnessed the difference between "what I say" and "what I do".

We were told not to swear, drink, smoke, or lie by parents who swore, drank, smoked and lied, not to gossip by adults who gossiped, not to cheat by teachers who cut corners themselves, to do the right thing by leaders who didn't, and to be great by celebrities who weren't so great.

Who knows, if adults actually did what they said, maybe they would have been able to pull it off.

We children may have been a little slow, but we weren't that stupid. After all...

"What you do speaks so loud I cannot hear what you say." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Interesting essay. I can't say I've read anything quite like it. So I guess that's a compliment!

A couple comments on minor points in your essay:

1) George Washington Carver is, or should be, known for his work for southern farmers and for his research and promotion of legumes and sweet potatoes including several interesting inventions. He is not one of the great scientists like Einstein, Hawking, Newton, etc. He probably is more famous because he was black, but that's not to say his contribution was insignificant. It wasn't.

2) You tend to hear (or read) two opinions about grade school teachers depending on the person: either they are tireless crusaders with hearts of gold or they are mediocre "if you can't's" that live for June, July and August.

I think the truth is more complex. Not all public school teachers were mediocre students. That's the tendency, and it's likely because in many parts of the country they don't get paid a comparable wage. The better students find higher paying jobs. I am an elementary school teacher myself who graduated with honors.

Elementary teachers have to be knowledgeable in EVERYTHING, including child development, literacy, mathematics, social sciences, writing, art and design, physical education, earth science, life science, physical science, etc. What would that be like to attempt to teach students all those various facets of human knowledge? Easy? Well, they're young. How complex could it be?

You'd be surprised how difficult. And you'd likely be intimidated. I'm sometimes intimidated still after 13 years of teaching elementary. Further, one of the most difficult parts of the job is teaching students who could care less and would rather raise an uproar! You wouldn't believe how bad it is.

So, grade school teachers don't know everything? Not experts in their fields? Surprising? At those mediocre salaries (in many parts of the country)?

Just something to think about.

Most lies are of a statistical nature. Moving to the suburbs is a good example. You're seeing lots of true things that aren't statistically representative. The extensive coverage of protected groups in history texts is the same way.

Look at some different lies:

1. "Grandma went to heaven." False.

2. "God doesn't kill good people." False, but containing a moral lesson.

3. "Your parents won't die." False, but translated properly ("Your parents won't die while you are a dependent"), probably true.

4. "2,998 people died in 9/11". True, but statistically at odds with its public perception.

The only harmful lie among those is the last one--the one that isn't a lie--and only because the "lesson" its constant repetition is designed to convey is disconnected from it.

..............

When I was a kid, I was told, literally, that bad people went to a hell and slept with burning maggots. This cartoonish lie has done me no harm.

This is the first PG article I've felt a certain way about, which is that its scope exceeded my interest. I may yet read the rest of it soon. But fundamentally, I must point this out:

> By 15 I was convinced the world was corrupt from end to end. That's why movies like The Matrix have such resonance. Every kid grows up in a fake world.

Or the classic example, The Catcher in the Rye. Adolescents are caught between a desire for authentic reality and romantic idealism. They profess to want the former but seek the latter.

After living in suburbia for 23 years (and finally getting out this month, thank "God") I can attest to most of this. One thing PG doesn't mention is that some people flat never grow out of the idyllic view of the world that this segregated space presents OR become so impossibly jaded that they're damaged beyond all repair.

One friend of mine managed to have both of these happen. Not only does he have an idyllic view of the world, at least in how it _should_ be, but he's also become extremely jaded, having found out that most of his views are wrong (despite still clinging to them). These are often entirely contradictory. For example, he believes in true love and that if you _truly_ love someone you could never, ever do anything to hurt them. On the other hand, he's seen enough relationships and enough cheating and other "nastiness" that he's jaded to the point that he believes (his words) "all women are whores."

I would argue that you have less of a chance of becoming extremely jaded if you grow up in a societal sub-section that neither attempts to hide the gruesome truths of the world from youth nor presents them on every street corner. In my humble opinion, suburbia is too close to the former extreme.

I think the statement "as a rule people planning to go into teaching rank academically near the bottom of the college population" should really have a source to back it up.

Einstein, like many people, felt differently about religion at different times in his life, throughout which he maintained his Jewish identity.

Young Einstein's observation about religion cited in the article should probably be balanced by older Einstein's insight, "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."

"On a log scale I was midway between crib and globe."

That is a gem of a description of suburbia.

When I was younger my Dad used to tell me roadkill was just sleeping. I remember accepting this for a while. One day, my Mom was driving behind someone who ran over a cat. The cat thrashed around in the road for a long time until it finally laid down, breathing very hard. My Mom told me to stay in the car and told me explicitly "you don't want to see what this cat goes through right now." I sat and contemplated what the cat must be going through and came to a point where I felt I understood it. The next year, when my neighbor killed herself, I was able to accept her passing with much more ease. IMO a gradual path to accepting death worked out well for me.

Am I the only one here who disagrees almost completely with everything that is said? I don't mean to be disrespectful or offensive here. I'm just trying to get a feel for whether or not I'm the outcast in this corner of the Web.

"And after having spent their whole lives doing things that arbitrary and believing things that are false, and being regarded as odd by "outsiders" on that account, the cognitive dissonance pushing children to regard themselves as Xes must be enormous. "

Typo: I think there's suppose to be an "are" in "lives doing things that ARE arbitrary"

Stephan Pinker has argued that swear words cause a involuntary negative emotional response similar to the slight of an angry face: http://pinker.wjh.harvard.edu/books/stuff/media_articles/TNR...(1%20of%203)%20(print).htm

So parents not wanting there children to hear taboo words would seem to be better considered as another example of not wanting their children to exposed to negative/frightening experiences.

Fantastic read.

My son has always been allowed to swear as long as he chooses appropriate times and places. The words aren't particularly important since a person can be extremely rude and/or cruel without ever swearing. So instead he has been taught about about the taboo surrounding swearing as well as the importance of communication.

I want him to be a kid and have a good time and feel safe but I also want him to be realistic and prepared. Sometimes it's a balancing act but I never get lazy and tell him untruths.I've considered it but it seems a slippery slope. My son is also very perceptive so when things don't add up, he's quick to point it out.

At times I will give him a simple answer but I tell him it is a simple answer and that I can tell him more if he wants it, now or later. He usually opts for later. If I don't know something, I suggest that we google it and research it together.

I've read that adolescence is somewhat of a new thing (past 100 years or so) and that it is lasting longer and longer because of the way children are coddled by their parents while overwhelmed by options via media. It's my hope that by keeping things real that he will be able to utilize the world around him rather than become another indecisive, selfish, bored 25 year old years away from exiting their adolescence.

Protecting kids might be one of the reasons that people move to suburbia, but it's not the only reason. People like living in large houses and having land. That's exorbitantly expensive in the city for middle class families.

I also grew up in the suburbs, and I experienced the boredom pg talked about. There was nothing for me and my friends to do. I remember thinking that living in an urban environment would be unthinkably exotic.

Excellent essay!

Oddly enough, I'm learning more and more about the lies or mistruths I've grown into believe through the Internet. By reading blogs and content on other sites, I've realized that many things that I grew up thinking were the truth are actually urban legends, mistruths, or downright lies.

Part of that comes with a sense of sadness, but also part of it brings hope. Never have we had so much information available to us. Granted, much of it is crap (as the web is just a reflection of society) but it's pretty easy to find the 'right' answer if you look around.

What I found a little depressing is when you learn that someone you really respected (parent, teacher, clergy) was wrong or believed the same lie you did but didn't accept the truth. It's sort of like the phrase "event a lie becomes the truth" but more at the psychological level--as if it genuinely gets burned into ones brain.

I rarely will accept an article on its merits alone. For example, I typically will read user comments on news articles--it really puts things in perspective. So much as to sometimes change the entire view of a story.

Hopefully this will become commonplace and my kids will eventually grow up smarter than me--just not too soon :)

I'm not sure that keeping kids innocent helps their learning. I've met many kids who have 'seen too much' by accepted standards and invariably they have been by far more emotionally mature than their peers, often enabling them to do well in terms of education.

Unless there are other factors at play, such as adverse social conditions, I think kids can handle more reality than we tend to believe.

I was not lied to in this fashion. I was raised a Quaker, and we don't lie.

My parents told me about sex, prostitutes and drugs from a young age (5?). They told me sex and drugs were fun, but even better for your soul if you waited for the right person in life.

Having only had a sexual relationship with my wife, I can't say if this is true, but it certainly feels true. At any rate, because of their honesty I didn't feel like the world conspired against me, instead I felt that it trusted me and relied upon me to make correct decisions.

Paul - I'm surprised at you to put this model forward as the correct model. Why can't we create children better able to make their own judgements by being more honest and asking more of them?

Another complaint: people may move out of the city because they hate the city. I would prefer to live in the woods (and I grew up there). I never felt it was stale, I never felt trapped or bored. Working in NYC now, I am counting the hours until I can move back to somewhere beautiful.

Wow! Great article. I was getting tired of all of the articles PG wrote about startups - if you ask me, that was too much of a good-but-not-very-good-thing.

If I were to start a startup, I would find some of Paul Graham's advice useful, but also, due to its size, it became a very big and incoherent potato mash in my head. :-)

So I hope to see more essays and articles by Graham about non-startup stuff. I have some good ideas for open-source-but-commercial ventures - not all of them FOSS related, and may eventually become a "professional" webmaster/blogger (= someone who makes a living out of it). But still I find that I'd rather hear general software management and software-development advice and philosophy than something specific to startups.

So I'm glad PG is back to more diverse essaying and wish him the best of luck.

I respectfully disagree with your comment about the Thanksgiving Dinner lie. You stated, "that was probably the best way to handle a frightened 10 year old."

In my experience a far better way would be to tell the truth, "I don't know if the Turkey wanted to die." Then, the parents could parent the child and explain how everything needs to eat to live. It was a perfect opportunity for the parents to illustrate why they purchase certain brands of Turkey, don't eat hot-dogs, are vegetarian, go hunting, etc.

Would your friend have spoken the same lie if he had been alone with his child?

It is a parent's job to judiciously teach their children, not to lie when they don't know how to teach or find it inconvenient to do so.

This resonates with me pretty strongly, as does “Why Nerds Are Unpopular”. Both match my experience as a teen (back in the 1970s) and my observation since. While I’ve written a little about some of the same phenomena, these two essays do an astounding job of documenting and explaining what I had not processed as thoroughly.

One thing struck me, though. Several motivations for lying to teens about sex are cited, and I certainly agree that those motivations are important. However, I was surprised that an important one was overlooked, since it figures so prominently in “Why Nerds Are Unpopular”.

In that essay, the argument is made that teens are penned up in school because they no longer have a place in a modern economy. Since a teen can’t support a family, preventing sex, the biological purpose of which is to, well, start a family, becomes a priority. So there may be a pragmatic reason as well as sentimental ones for lying about sex.

NB: I’m not one of those “abstinence-only” types; I’m a firm believer in the old military adage that one should never give orders that will not be obeyed and cannot be enforced. (I agree with the prescription given in the essay, to give teens the straight dope, but to impress on them that their judgment may not always be trustworthy.) Abstinence certainly is effective at preventing conception, though, and when loaded with cultural and sentimental baggage to give it more power, the development of such a fundamental dissonance between society and biology makes perfect sense.

I enjoyed reading this. I specifically searched for anything pertaining to "when parents lie to kids", and this popped up. I do not have children (by choice), and I have completed a master in education, so I have researched learning theory. I see my sister and her husband lying to their children, and I abhor such practice; children are merely young adults who need to learn efficiently and effectively, so that they may comprehend what it takes to survive independently. I see your point about keeping reality from children until they are learned enough to make their own determinations about when enough is enough with respect to education, yet I still believe that, regardless of the measure of hardened reality to which they are exposed, they are ultimately responsible for their own learning motivation, save for the very early prompts that parents are responsible for instilling in them during the behaviorism years.

I have believed for many years that lying to children about Santa Claus, among other things, causes children to distrust parents and other adults, which is likely not intended by parents, but which is a very real effect of misguiding their concepts by deceit so early. To effectuate a lifelong positive result, parents and teachers should strive to ALWAYS tell the truth, so that the child (young adult) will NOT be shocked later in life by simple, inevitable realities such as death, disease, or inconsistencies in human behaviors. The truth is ALWAYS the best policy at any age. It is too bad that parents are so selfish as to hope or believe that they are doing their children favors by false lights, false hopes, and false expressions. If the truth sets us free, then what are parents doing when they lie, but creating a virtual prison for their offspring?

In general, I really liked this article, and found it thought-provoking.

However, saying that Marie Curie was included in the science books just because she was a woman is insulting and untrue. She was one of the all time greats--the only person besides Linus Pauling to win not one, but TWO Nobel Prizes. Despite extremely meager resources, and at great personal cost, she discovered, isolated, and named two new radioactive elements, polonium and radium. She also discovered thorium, but didn't get official credit for it. She discovered radiation therapy for cancer. Her work laid the foundation for the the work of Max Planck and Niels Bohr and the nuclear age, both its helpful and harmful aspects. Without her work, there would have been no atom bomb, and no nuclear energy. Her influence is vastly important and far-reaching.

Parents don't want their children to swear because it's vulgar and coarse. Well-bred people used not to swear at all, but it has become increasingly common among people of all backgrounds.

To adress the subject of religion...

"You can't distinguish your group by doing things that are rational, and believing things that are true." Why not? Unlike virtually every other religion, the more educated a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the Mormons) is, the more active in their religion they tend to be. I choose to affiliate myself with that group because they seemed to be the most rational of all the other religions -- at no point did they ever say something which seemed silly like, "What, you think it doesn't make sense? But that's the beauty of it!" I was given a challenge. Read the Book of Mormon then pray about it. If there was a God, then I would receive some sort of response. If there wasn't a God, then I wouldn't receive a response. Formulate a hypothesis -- establish it as a question. Make a prediction. Experiment and see whether the prediction was correct -- did the hypothesis hold together? I believe that God is real, miracles still happen, etc.

Unlike most of you, I dislike this essay. I think it is cynical, hard, jaded, and in many cases, ironically full of untruths. As a public school teacher, the part that outraged me was the following quote: "The sad fact is, US public school teachers don't generally understand the stuff they're teaching very well. There are some sterling exceptions, but as a rule people planning to go into teaching rank academically near the bottom of the college population." At my school, most of our teachers were at the very top of our college populations, ranking in the top 5% of our graduating classes. The exceptions (the ones who went into teaching because they had no other options and thought it was "easy") are few and far between. Most of us have master's degrees, and several have doctorate's. To say that most teachers do not know their subjects well is simply untrue; sure, there are exceptions, but there are engineers, journalists, doctors, and authors who are only subpar. In an essay arguing for the truth, this author has lost credibility as a speaker of the truth.

pg -- do you have to work hard to remember particular conversations from your childhood? (E.g. in the 6th grade when your father contradicted your teacher.)

I can only seem to remember events related to girls, programming, and church. I don't remember particular conversations I had with my parents or teachers. Conversations with my favorite grandfather seem to stick out.

It seems like I should sit down and try to remember past realizations and conversations. I've never explicitly tried that.

"It's not enough to consider your mind a blank slate. You have to consciously erase it."

I really liked this point, and I feel its a good way to sum up the points Paul made. I think at times we underestimate the impact of socialization (work, school etc.) and we mentally seal off certain doors (opportunities) to mesh with the norms. With all the noise that we are absorbing, this notion of reconsidering even some of the more 'basic' assumptions becomes all the more important.

"You shouldn't put the blame on one parent, because divorce is never only one person's fault. [8] Really? When a man runs off with his secretary, is it always partly his wife's fault?"

YES, and for TWO reasons: 1. If a man (or woman) runs away with another woman (or man) it is because the primary relationship has a fault and a severe one. No person, male or female, gives up a relationship just like that. I am not talking about a "one night stand" which might come out of a situation, sensation, ..., because that will never endanger a relationship. But if a relationship is so weak that one partner seeks love in a different person, it is because he cannot get it in his primary relationship any more, although he would like to. 2. If the woman (or man) that is left behind is no more willing to recover the old relationship it is certainly her or his fault as well. Someone who really loves her or his partner is always able to get him or her back. There is an old saying that the lover has never a chance against the married partner and that is true. Actually, I know all this from own experience, not from theory !

I find the idea of innocence to be interesting. In a child it seems to be a lack of awareness of the consequences of their own actions.

This is brilliantly illustrated by the TV show "the Simpson's" where the roles of Bart and Homer are reversed for the most part. Bart generally understands the consequences of his actions whereas Homer doesn't have a clue. Homer is the innocent in this case.

I find this definition of "child-like" innocence pretty robust, it seems to fit with most of my experiences. Knowlege is what destroys this form of innocence, not evil, so it explains a lot of the lies that we tell. Adults vicariously enjoy the hope of their children and fear that telling them the "truth" will spoil the vision.

With my kids (I have 5 kids and 2 grandkids) I have tried to be as honest as possible but when you understand the "truth" to be very complex it becomes difficult to provide a simplified view that a child can fully understand (especially when you know you don't fully understand it either). A partially understood truth may be as misleading as an out-and-out lie but more difficult to unravel.

Another reason adults like to preserve the "innocence" of their children is that it reminds them of when they had hope and helps them relive or rediscover it.

I think that it's only a lie to tell a child that they are an X if you also lead them to believe that this is a lifelong identity.

For example, I don't mind telling children born in the US that they are American children. They might grow up, move to another country, and change their citizenship (my mother knows people who have done this). So saying that they're American children is simply a description of their current state.

This would only be a lie if you let them grow up with the notion that they should stay Americans all their lives and that it would be somehow wrong to ever switch nationalities. Indeed, I imagine that many Americans would consider this unpatriotic and probably to some extent a betrayal. But it doesn't have to be that way.

The same thing is true for religion. Obviously many (if not most) religious groups don't bring children up to question their beliefs and decide for themselves what they believe and whether they want to belong to any religious group at all. But some do, and so I think it's possible to tell a child that they are a Christian child or a Muslim child or an atheist child without it being a lie. Just like telling them that they're an American child, it can simply be a description of their current state,

Having grown up in Manhattan myself, pg's description of kids who "seemed to have lost their virginity at an average of about 14 and by college had tried more drugs than I'd even heard of" doesn't ring particularly true for me. I knew some people like that, but I knew far more who were nothing like that. I don't mean to imply that the people I knew were a representative sample, I'm just not convinced the people he knew were either.

"It's obvious now that he was on the list because he was black (and for that matter that Marie Curie was on it because she was a woman), but as a kid I was confused for years about him. I wonder if it wouldn't have been better just to tell us the truth: that there weren't any famous black scientists. Ranking George Washington Carver with Einstein misled us not only about science, but about the obstacles blacks faced in his time."

(I would comment about Curie but someone already did)

Not sure if any school I know of raises GWC on the same pedestal as Einstein. For better or for worse, most people in America regard Einstein as one of the smartest people that ever lived, and the same is definitely not true for Carver.

" Public school textbooks represent a compromise between what various powerful groups want kids to be told. The lies are rarely overt. Usually they consist either of omissions or of over-emphasizing certain topics at the expense of others."

What powerful groups in America wanted a black scientist to be seen on the same level as Einstein? Carver is usually seen as a very smart black man, which if anything, belittles blacks as if this was the one and only black who could achieve anything in an advanced field.

Exposing children to too much within a short time - which tends to happen in their teenage years as they become more mature - does overwhelm children. They may not have the mental tools and the feeling of not being able to comprehend or cope may give rise to negative emotions - guilt and insecurity. In the pre-teens and early teems, how information is presented to the child depends on the parents. The influence of the school, peer pressure, etc starts taking over pretty soon. While keeping the children away from everything in a sterile environment is not correct, there is nothing wrong in choosing the right time and place to help them learn. Finding out their reactions to various things, and explaining there could be many ways to approach something of which some ways are better than others, etc. takes time, effort and patience. As an involved, committed and hopefully intelligent parent, there are times when I have to resort to saying "Oh, thats a bigge thing - you will learn it soon!". To me that is not a lie - that is like saying first learn your A, B, C. then you can read that very colorful picture book and enjoy it.

Mr. Graham,

Thanks for writing such a questioning essay. I have two young boys and have spent a lot of time thinking about how my wife (an African-American physician) and myself (a European-descended American evolutionary biologist) are going to say to them about sex and drugs and death. My wife and I usually resolve these conversations by saying that we won't have to have "the talk" because our sons will be hearing about birth control from the time of their own birth. So far that's been true. Now that my older son can talk, I'm surprised about the stuff that I feel perfectly comfortable saying in front of him. However, I still feel like there's stuff I'd have trouble being honest about (like explaining why people abuse drugs --- I don't understand it myself). I've particularly thought about the duality of sex that you mention: "Yes, your parents have sex, and if they didn't you wouldn't exist, nor would it be nice to live here, but you shouldn't do it because you don't know what you're doing." Obviously there are certain ways I can be honest, but it ends the conversation a lot faster to just lie.

Another issue, that you mention in your notes, is there are some things that kids just believe, without adults trying to deliberately deceive them. My son probably thinks that Thomas the Tank Engine is somewhere right now being really useful.

My parents could have lied to me about a lot, but they didn't because I have three older brothers and it was hard to keep lying to me when my brothers were finding out they'd been lied to. Also, I think as parents they just tried to be honest about things like sex and death. One of my brothers asked my father what a blow-job was in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn't there, but my mom tells me that my father did, in fact, tell him later.

I constantly lie to my children. 99% of the time its told with a wink, but I have been (unconsciously perhaps) testing there ability to tell whether or not I am joking or not.

My wife frequently jokes that "I have lost all credibility" with the children. I think this may be a good thing. I want my kids to be always straining to differentiate what is true from what is false, and to develop a good skeptical ear.

Great article...kinda scary, though, from the point of view of a young adult (22) trying to shake a lifetime of careful indoctrination and religious brainwashing.

One begins to wonder...is any of it true? As Pilate asked, "What is Truth?" Is it even possible to find truth within one lifetime...and if so, how is it possible to know whether it is really truth, or another carefully fabricated lie for the comfort and peace of humanity?

I'm feeling rather skeptical about life right now...just did some research on a subject I was raised to believe was Satan's tool, and discovered all the propaganda I was spoon-fed as a child and teen was just that...more lies, told for the sake of religion.

Not that I am surprised that it isn't a tool of Satan. I certainly became skeptical about that before now. But that all the "facts" my parents used to convince me of it were so totally fake. Especially since they taught me the importance of good research early on. This implies that it was a premeditated lie on their part.

Just a quick point of identity on which I believe you're absolutely wrong. You wrote:

"Some parents feel a strong adherence to an ethnic or religious group and want their kids to feel it too. This usually requires two different kinds of lying: the first is to tell the child that he or she is an X, and the second is whatever specific lies Xes differentiate themselves by believing."

I won't try to argue with you about religion, but it also denies the existence of ethnic identity.

Here's a counter-example: Black parents can tell their kids that they (the kids) are black, and that's not a lie (unless you deny the existence of ethnicity or ethnic identity), and there is no need to tell any further lies lies by which black people would "differentiate themselves" (even though such lies certainly exist). Skin color and heritage are two very real things that are very relevant for many people.

You got one thing wrong. Most kids can and do handle the truth about death better than most adults (Says the thirtysomething who tried not to cry at the funeral). The reason that we lie about death is that it is one of the biggest cultural taboos.

You are not supposed to talk about death. Keep silent at the cemetary. etc.

I think there is a really good reason for telling kids not to swear, and it's the same reason novice speakers of a foreign language are warned to avoid swearing until they're absolutely, positively certain they understand all of the subtleties involved. To go into a foreign culture throwing around swear words willy-nilly is to risk using them in the wrong context or in the wrong company, which can make one a social outcast or even the victim of violence. One can never get into trouble for not swearing, and with the cost of incorrect swearing so high, the best course of action for most novices is not swearing at all.

Likewise, as novices, kids lack the experience to know when the use of swear words is or isn't appropriate, and in such a case, the safest course of action is to avoid using them altogether.

I am not sure if letting the parents of children explain sex to there children instead of myself (say these were your kids) would be a lie.

If your kids came up to me on the street and were to ask me questions about sex and I tell them anal sex is 'the best'... is that what you want me to tell your kids? Or maybe I should not discuss sex with your kids at all and let you, the parent do so.

While I respect the author, you just can't write something like this and pass it by parents of children. When you have a child and say you are in favor of Gay Sex & Marriage and are an Athiest you want to be able to help your child reason through these things and whatever answer they decide to pick is fine, but if you don't have a chance to at least have a real discussion about it before they make a decision is disappointing.

And in a hundred years, philosophy might be out of fashion, so should also be listed as a lie.

OK, taking my tongue out of my cheek: You don't even know what religion is, so defining it as a lie is . . . a lie you've told to your readers.

  I believe strongly in a set of "semi-religious" axioms (from advaita vedanta) that keeps me functional, productive and happy. I strive to be a good son, colleague, friend, etc but within the boundaries of this framework, it makes me happy and I believe it keeps the people I come on contact with happy and well too.

This essay leads to a question, though:

1. Would you rather have a world view that is as close to the truth as possible and live a life of angst and striving? (to change the various inequalities and other issues with the world).

(or)

2. Would you believe the appropriate "lies" (as per your "belief system") and live life happily?

3. How would the world change as a result of your choice? Its a cyclic dependancy here.

Since we lie to kids maybe we simultaneously tell them to read adult literature so that they'll learn about some of the lies. Since we are uncomfortable with the truth's in adult literature maybe this is why children's literature is now so popular with parents. Annie Dillard (in her autobiography, American Childhood, I think) wrote about this. When she was a kid she remembered wondering "do adults know what's in these books they are telling us to read ?"

It's interesting that parents seem very sensitive to the contradiction of their lies in adult tv shows and movies but oblivious to the same problem in adult literature. (By adult I mean not non-juvenile not explictly sexual material)

Both examples of lies about death don't seem to be lies about death. They would both seem to be an examples of lies designed to protect from details that would otherwise only cause pain. Doctors frequently tell both types of lie to adults.

Lies about death and sex etc are frequently this topic of lies between adults. That they take a different form is of questionable importance: they may just be because adults have to much experience to be so easy lied to, requiring a more elaborate lie (contrast became a star in the sky and the bible).

It would be interesting to ask what lies are told solely to children and are not simply more egregious examples of lies more generally told.

May I kindly ask you to correct the link to the german translation on the main article page? It currently links to http://www.heiniger-net.ch/archives/167/langswitch_lang/de, but that link doesn't work anymore. Please link to http://www.heiniger-net.ch/archives/167 as indicated in my original post. I changed the way my blog handles multiple languages. Thank you very much.

I like many of your essays, but this one is exceptional.

Recommend this book: It's not self-help. It's by a University Psychologist. We are a lot simpler than we like to think: "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion" by B Cialdini

Also Richard Dawkins "The God Delusion". Excellent book that calls religion for what it is. He notes its a survival advantage for kids to believe what adults tell them without question: Unfortunately "Don't swim in the crocodile infested river" is accompanied by the same stories that tell us to love the guy who killed 2,000,000 people in the Bible, but revile the one who only killed 9.

PG: what does suburbia mean to you? You paint it in an extremely negative light, and so I'd just like some more detail of how you define that term. I know it means different things to different people.

as usual the essay shows paul grahams brilliance, but this essay seemed to end up as little more than an explanation for why we lie to kids. It ended up feeling very supportive of lying to children, which i certainly don't believe was mr. graham's goal. Obviously some lies are for protecting a child. But i cant believe he ACTUALLY supported the idea of telling a kid that turkey wanted to die. its because of those kinds of lies that i completely ignored my parents after the age of 12. I COULD NOT TRUST THEM. Which is to bad because they probably had some legitimate advise during those years. but due to my sanity i didn't even listen to them anymore. Basically it seemed like you said "parents lie to kids because they are philosophically lazy and avoid meaningful thought at all cost like 95% of humans do until they die. Of course actually trying to talk with a kid about a complex issue requires as much mental work as talking to another adult about a complex issue. Of course your average person isn't going to do either. so the basic problem here isnt that were lying to kids (as you explained a few of those lies are good) but root problem is that youre average person is addicted to ignorance and fears a little philosophy more than anything else. and of course the children are being raised to be just a knowledge-fearing as their parents are. I suggest you right an essay trying to convince people (adults,everybody) that knowledge, truth, and logic ARE NOT BAD. Because if theres anything thing that seems to be taboo among the common man its learning. If we could convince the world that learning was a good thing so many problems would be solved.

Thank you for sharing. I'm similarly somewhat both disappointed and thrilled by the amount of bullshit that gets thrown around, and worse still, accepted through generations. I think it's largely a matter of habit, and the old can't change these habits easily - the young can, but then the old often do that work for them.

If you take a pyramidal view of intelligence, it means really the base is getting wider over time, which is worrying, so to some extent it's the job of people at near the top of the pyramid to push correct information downwards.

This article is brilliant. Lies play an enormous role in this culture. I could go on and on about the topic, but I think one quote from A Language Older than Words by Derrick Jensen says it best:

"In order for us to maintain our way of living, we must, in a broad sense, tell lies to each other, and especially to ourselves. It is not necessary that the lies be particularly believable. The lies act as barriers to truth. These barriers to truth are necessary because without them many deplorable acts would become impossibilities."

"Probably the biggest lie told in schools, though, is that the way to succeed is through following "the rules." In fact most such rules are just hacks to manage large groups efficiently."

beautiful.

Well, you obviously never felt fear. When I was a kid, if my parents had told me the truth, I would have grown up very very warped. The somewhat scary things they told me disturbed me immensely, if they had told me things like "Oh, we are going broke", I would have died with worry.

I remember the fear from my childhood. Fear that something would happen to the family. Fear that I would be alone. That lightning would strike the building.

Thank God my parents told me lies. It allowed my childhood to be happy.

It might help to substitute "ignorance" instead of "innocence" in your essay. To be innocent primarily means to 'do no harm' not "to be ignorant" of the truth. I think many parents keep their kids ignorant (of evil) because they think it will help keep them innocent (free of the sin of committing evil). As you imply, for a time, this seems right, but eventually you need controlled exposure to toxins (ethical, etc.) to learn how to protect your self.

Maybe the easy dumb lies are the best ones to tell. When we grow up they are obviously lies and easy to dump. They serve as markers that say, "Use your own judgment and insert your own belief here."

For example, in the case of the turkey, maybe the absurd lie that turkeys want to die is better than whatever belief the parents use to justify eating meat (BTW- I'm not vegetarian). If the lie can be believed by an adult, the child may not question it when they become one.

Probably the biggest lie we tell kids, is that it is bad/immoral to lie.

Being a little older now, I have to conclude that this is a lie. Lying is like a knife. It is neither good nor bad; it can be used to do good or bad. This is such an important lesson and I really I wish my parents had been willing to teach it to me, instead of making me learn it the hard way by myself like everyone else.

Fundamentally lying is just a negotiating tactic. All that other emotional baggage is unnecessary.

Ah, alas that this essay ends. I hope there will be a follow up which may go into further detail in terms of how to go about erasing.

The entire concept of erasing ("unthinking"?) brings to mind the dialogue between Gandalf and Saruman in Book 3, Chapter 10. Specifically: "Gandalf stirred, and looked up. "What have you to say that you did not say at our last meeting?" he asked. "Or, perhaps, you have things to unsay?" Saruman paused. "Unsay?" he mused, as if puzzled."

"The truth is common property. You can't distinguish your group by doing things that are rational, and believing things that are true."

This, my friends, is a pearl of wisdom.

"I used to think I wanted to know everything. Now I know I don't."

I'd be interested to know what caused the change, and what types of knowledge you'd prefer not having.

Your points are brilliant, and I love how they make me think more about "truth," or the illusion of it. To me, this is basically an essay about why we live our lives the way we do. You almost have to think back to the things we were told by our parents in order to realize why we do the things we do now. It's always interesting to analyze your own self. I love the essay about "Stuff" as well.

"Telling a child they have a particular ethnic or religious identity is one of the stickiest things you can tell them. Almost anything else you tell a kid, they can change their mind about later when they start to think for themselves. But if you tell a kid they're a member of a certain group, that seems nearly impossible to shake."

Most of the other lies aren't accompanied by mandatory genital mutilation.

This is the best essay on parenting that I have ever read. Thank you. You have articulated so many things about honesty that I have been trying to practice with my own child, but could not always explain clearly why.

It's a cliche to say it, but I can't stop myself: This should be required reading for all parents.

Lies told by parents do not affect children, once they grow old, they'll get to know things by themselves. Letting a child know about sex and drugs, will ruin the child's future - . If we got addicted to sex drugs or something else in the first place, there is no way that we can think, or direct our future. I certainly believe drugs take a toll on the human mind. :)

I pretty much raised my son according to these principles--you met Zak at the Stanford Y-combinator start-up seminar--and he is still the one I go to for rational discussion on almost any topic. He is able to take himself out of the equation and think about the problem at hand--even recognizing and ignoring his biases. Thanks for promoting rational thinking.

This is a funny post. I see that you got tons of posts. Probably because everyone who has a kid, thinks they are an expert on the subject. Can you post a follow up with the finer points? I have four young kids and all I know is that it is fucking hard work to do a good job and I lie to my kids whenever I have to make life sound fair or fairytale nice.

>Don't all 18 year olds think they know how to run the world?

The average 18 year old would have done much better than George W Bush. It seems very unlikely that the average 18 year old would be considered the worst president ever by a majority of historians. Pretty much impossible, in fact.

http://hnn.us/articles/48916.html

I hope I have your kind permission for doing this: I love your essay so much that I would like the german speaking community to be able to read it too. I therefore translated it to german and published it on my own blog here: http://www.heiniger-net.ch/archives/167

" But why do we conceal death from kids? Probably because small children are particularly horrified by it."

One of the hardest things for me answer was the question "Dad, am I going to die?". Even though it is incredibly hard to tell them the truth, I do. The aftermath of saying "yes" to that one really, really sucks no matter how you try to handle it.

I wonder why the author remembers Einstein, Curie and Carver. Was it because they were touted as the best scientists? Maybe he remembered them because they were exceptional characters. One reason exceptional characters are emphasized over typical ones in class is to pique interest (the typical student feels atypical).

I am absolutely positive that you have no children of your own, nor have you ever been around them. Normally I fight diligently against identity politics of that kind (positing that you cannot understand a position without first holding it), but with this article, you have made me rethink my general opposition to censorship.

I think we want our kids don't develope the full power of analysis, since them they should discover a huge number of contradictions in our social life, perhaps more than they can cope with.

The problem is that this way, when they become adults perhaps follow the same route: Don't think to much since there is no solution to this problem.

I really enjoyed your essay.

I can't help but think that if my kid asked if the turkey wanted to die that I would want to take him or her in the other room, away from all of the other parents and explain to them how turkeys are grown for eating by farmers.

I would want my child to be able to choose not to eat the turkey if they thought it was immoral.

There is a kind of lie used to spark off the child's imagination like the Santa Claus or fairies or ghosts. I don't think those are covered in this article. But these can help a child to visualize things those don't exist which is the very first step to create things those don't exist (as of now) when they grow up.

A few years ago, Paul Graham wrote: "When you find something you can't say, what do you do with it? My advice is, don't say it." This essay makes me wonder if he chose not to follow his own advice. If he did, I wonder if it will do him much good. It surely will make reading his essays even more interesting.

I was quite touched by the book "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee. Its central character, Atticus Finch, has become to me somewhat a role-model. If and when I raise children in my life, I'll be extremely contented if I manage to do it like he does in the story, and if my kids turn out like his.

I suggest to just shut the fuck up, and just spend quiet time with your kids. Listen to them. Look them in the eye, see who they really are, and what they need. Most of what they learn is not what you say, but what you do and who you are, and how you treat them and others. Talk less and say more.

Interesting thing is that as adults lie to kids other higher power people lie to the lower ones. For example politicians lie to citizens is a very similar manner. Or doctors (or relatives) lie to sick, probably dieing patients. So the concept is the same - to control and to "protect"

What about Santa Claus? I keep thinking of this issue these days, how much it used to hurt me when I started understanding that there was no Santa Claus. I keep wondering if I, in the future, should tell my kids the truth right away about the whole Santa Claus thing.

2 minutes, Alan Watts, beautifully complementary to this article:

http://www.richardsreader.com/alan-watts-on-the-unsettling-t...

Is this the same article that you mentioned almost a year ago? I read it expecting more of an evolutionary psychology approach to the teenage sex issue.

I've read a good bit of literature about religion and its roots in EP, and why it's such a good meme. The "payload" is part of the spread mechanism.

"But if a kid asks you "Is there a God?" or "What's a prostitute?""

I've been asked the first. I said "no", and had a long (> 1hr) conversation with my 6 yr old about the issues.

If I was asked the second, I'd say that's not something you should be thinking about at your young age. Ask me in 5 years.

The only person qualified to determine if something being told to another is a lie....is someone who KNOWS the absolute truth. WHO would that be? Some things we all know is untrue and other things cannot be proven one way or another..i.e. religion.

When PG says that children are helpless and this is a thing we are wired to like, I remembered that in japanese the word used to mean cute is kawaii, and it also means something close to helpless (it is used to express a kind of pity).

PG:

"The famous scientists I remember were Einstein, Marie Curie, and George Washington Carver."

You've forgotten that you mentioned Newton some time ago as one of your heroes!

http://www.paulgraham.com/heroes.html

parents don't tell lies to protect their children but to protect themselves. they claim themselves to be modern but their mind set is still of the 80s . they think that talking about sex is something very shameful and children having sex is almost unimaginable. moreover they creat an issue about children having sex at the age of 14 because they are afraid of the reaction they would get from their neighbours. "what would people say..." "I will have to stay in this society" etc. so it is not for the good of their children but to save themselves that parents lie. Regards, Sriranjani, india

This deliberate, although not new.

deception: Century of the Self protection: Power of Nightmares

http://www.archive.org/search.php?query=%22century%20of%20th...

the version of the Einstein quote that I've heard used the term "orgy of free thinking" rather than "fanatic freethinking". Quite a memorable little phrase and shows the amount of pleasure he got from "thinking".

I don't find this essay controversial, just insightful. I can see there are places where you are exaggerated for effect etc, but overall, the essay rings true. Am I missing something :-)?

I was just wondering, is PG married? and if it is so, does he have kids? :D

I wrote a long-format response to this essay on Jottit: http://lies.jottit.com. It's kind of too long to make as a comment, hence this pointer.

I just loved this one; very thought provoking! Some very strong ideas, with wonderful examples. I think, I am going to go through the whole thing once again, and then ponder over the ideas.

I think one of the best ways that I described a similar feeling was asking others when they had questions, during their teens, nobody--including their best teachers--could answer.

This article is being publicly translated into Russian:

http://translated.by/you/lies-we-tell-kids/trans/

(almost finished)

very important insight: "most of the rules are just hacks for managing large groups efficiently".

this explains most of the things that conspiracy theorists wail and gnash their teeth about.

Swearing is nothing. And drugs they will do (and we pray they only dabble). Sex is different in that (IMO) you ante up something sacred (yourself).

Honestly I think that you are just trying to stroke your own ego when you classify religion as a type of lie. Please justify that.

regarding dying: One of the most vivid memories I have from childhood is the time my father told me he was going to die. It was quite simple, he said, "someday I will die, when I die, here is what I want you to do...." Its one of those things that shaped my whole view of the world, I think I has 10 or 11. Its more amazing to me now that I have a son, that he had the courage to be so honest.

The most powerful and far-reaching lies are the lies people tell themselves. Their children are part of them, so they tell them the same lies.

Quoting ratio: 1:2. (http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=151561)

On Valentine's Day this year my son called me from the passenger seat of his best friend's grandmother's Lexus SUV.

"What's masturbation Dad?"

I had an answer. I'd been thinking about it for two years. Just allowing the proper answer to surface.

This is near and dear for me. I'm in the process of introducing Online Courses for parents to learn methods of raising children without lying.

I answered his question without lying.

Two years ago, when he was six, my son Romeo and I went to a 20/20 Video store which specializes in new, used, and adult DVDs. Their selection is broad and the set-up is family friendly. All the commercial releases are set up in racks in the front of the store. The back third of the store is walled off w/ a curtain for the adult titles.

We were scanning titles one day and I looked around at one point to notice my son had disappeared. I called his name and began looking for him. A moment or two later he popped out of the adult section, red-faced and embarrassed. This is a huge moment for impacting the child positively or negatively.

"Romeo, come here," I said to him.

He wouldn't come.

I knelt down to be on his eye level and it was clear he knew this moment was important to me.

"Come here," I said, opening my arms to him.

He wouldn't move.

I moved toward him on my knees and he backed slowly away.

"You're not in trouble," I told him.

"I don't want to come to you," he told me clearly.

"It's your choice," I replied. "You are big enough to decide what to do with your body."

He softened.

"And... this important for us to talk about. I'll be ready in the next day or two, and I encourage you to let me know when you are ready too."

He softened some more. "Okay, Dad."

Two days went by.

We were sitting on the couch and between commercials I paused the DVR and said, "I'm waiting for you to let me know when you are ready to talk about what happened at the store the other day."

He flushed, but seemed open.

"Tell me if now is the time," I stated.

He nodded.

"So, tell me what that was like for you."

He froze.

"Tell me if you liked what you saw and are interested in learning more, or if it was not interesting to you."

Quietly, he said, "I'd like to know more about that."

"Tell me what you know about it so far," I encouraged.

"It has something to do with making babies and being married," he mentioned.

Not bad. At that age to connect sex and porn to marriage and babies with little prior context. I was proud of him.

"Well," I said, "we can always talk more about this. There is nothing wrong with bringing this kind of thing to me. My job as your dad is to help you prepare for success in your life. Sex and women and those kinds of movies are a small part of your whole life, and, they are important. So remember to bring all of those kinds of questions to me."

He nodded and smiled.

"Thanks for making that easy, Dad," he said.

"Sure. And just so you know, the way our society is set up, that room in the DVD store is for people who are 18 years old and up."

He looked at me carefully. "So I should probably only go there with you?"

Smiling I replied, "We'll probably wait a little bit until we do that, but we can. One day. And just so you know, wanting to know more about sex and women and marriage and those kinds of movies is perfectly healthy."

So, I wasn't surprised two years later when he called with the question about masturbation.

Just a few weeks earlier we'd been talking about puberty and what to expect. A wonderful friend of mine had been talking about all the hormones and mood swings his 10-year old daughter was going through. It reminded me how much my son prefers to be prepared for changes of any size.

When we spoke about puberty I invited him to tell me what he already knew about it.

"Your voice drops and you start getting really strong and really hairy," he told me.

"And tell me what else you know about it," I encouraged.

"Well, its time to start dating and getting together with girls. They get breasts and want you to spend money on them," he finished.

Hmmm...

"Where did you learn this?" I asked.

"Just around."

"Okay," I replied. "How about I tell you what I think is missing from that."

He nodded.

"Your body is going to be going through a lot of chemical changes inside. The point of them is to help you grow responsible for yourself when you live on your own. They'll steer you into relationships with people so you can learn more about sharing yourself as an adult. Sex becomes very interesting and women become very mysterious. I'm here to help you learn what I know about it and when you need help outside of me you have your Uncle to talk to."

"Okay, Dad."

And that was pretty much it. Until he called me and asked "What is masturbation?"

It was just like you outlined Paul. He was with his best friend's Grandmother and both boys had asked her the question to begin with.

She immediately told them they'd have to ask their Dad's.

My son, I'm proud to say, asked if he could call me that minute.

I was renting videos at that time and didn't recognize the number on my phone, but I took the call just sensing that there was some importance to it.

"Dad, I have a question," came his little voice through the headset.

"Sure son, what is it?"

By now you know what he asked.

And I was stoked to give him the info he needed.

"Romeo, remember when we were talking about Puberty the other day?"

"Yes."

"Okay, well this is related. Tell me what you know about Masturbation so far."

"Nothing. I just heard it on an episode of Family Guy."

Great.

"Okay, when people pass into puberty their bodies are going through all these chemical and hormonal changes. Some of the ways they use all that energy are physical. People join sports teams or acting classes or learn to express themselves in new ways. And, some of the energy can only be expressed sexually, which means when two people come together and share their bodies physically. Kinda like in the movies when people kiss, only they take it farther."

"Yeah," he said, to make sure I knew he was listening.

"Now," I told him, "not everyone has someone they can express themselves sexually with and they still need a physical release of that kind of energy. So, for men, they'll play with their penises until sperm comes out and it can make a big change in their quality of attention."

"Okay, Dad. And for women, they play with their vagina?"

"Exactly."

"How soon am I supposed to start?"

"There's no 'supposed to', son. And, I'm pretty sure you'll know when it is," I assured him.

He paused.

"Do you have any other questions?" I asked.

"I don't think so."

"How was that for you? To hear my answer?" I asked.

"Fine," he replied sincerely.

"Did you notice yourself getting uncomfortable?"

"No." He sounded as though it were no big deal. As if he expected me to have accurate and complete information. He also sounded as though he were totally at ease having this conversation over the phone in front of his best friend and best-friend's Grandmother.

Realizing I'd been on speaker this whole time I asked the Grandmother if I'd missed anything.

"No, I think you got it," she replied. Hearing her embarrassment over the phone I could tell she was eager to wrap this up.

"Romeo? Do you have any more questions about this?"

"Nope," he replied, satisfied. "Talk to you later."

We've since spoken once or twice about the topic and it is still with the comfort and ease of that call. Over the years he's realized I'm a safe place to bring this type of thing.

Now I'm no parenting expert. I'm a student. And I'm passionate about raising children to take responsibility for themselves from the beginning.

Teaching children responsibility is a skill. It is a practice. And having the kind of result I'm pointing to above is a choice.

I'm really grateful Paul brought this up because it is really critical stuff. I'm in the process of launching a site for parents who are seeking tools and techniques which can allow them to move their families from struggle to cooperation.

It's all based on the work of Dr. Jayne A. Major, Ph.D. If you are interested in getting some of her best work check out a simple introduction page at http://breakthroughparentinginaction.com/announcements/first... and take a peak.

Most of her work is available there with no commitments. For the sake of transparency, she and I are business partners and we are launching a series of offerings in the coming months that speak to this topic of how to raise children very specifically.

Thank you Paul for tackling this one. It is pivotal to our children's futures.

Would it be appropriate to tell a child not to swear because they don't have a good reason to yet?

A very well articulated thesis and something every parent should be aware of as they are doing it.

"...one of the symptoms of bad judgement is believing you have good judgement."

I thought this was a great quote.

wow that was the most insightful thing i have read in a while. I know that there are lot of lies that are told to kids. I lived a life where i was constantly lied to and I knew that I was being lied to. I just didn't mention that I knew.

This is one of the most thoughtful and apparently correct essays I've read in a long time.

Adults lie constantly to other adults too. And I'm not saying we should stop either.

Never heard "Ask your parents" in my life. I guess it's only in American culture.

This is a great follow-up to "What You Can't Say." Thanks.

The worst things about drugs is that many people die "bringing pleasure" to the unfortunate fools that use them. I will not be lying about drugs to my kid. They'll know the WHOLE truth, believe me!

Isn't this rather off-topic for HN? It's a well-written interesting essay, as always from Paul Graham, but is it at the top of the list for any reason other than it is written by Paul?

Does God also constantly lie to his children?

There are aliens in the Matrix?

Has he even seen it?

It seems to be the truth

This is a fascinating and dangerous account of systematic errors in how we raise children. Lies are damaging because they make truth harder to find -- the opposite of a lie is almost never the truth. But, once revealed as lies (a key problem), they are highly informative about the state of mind of the liar.

What the essay suggests in various ways in describing how we lie to children is that we are afraid of conflict. The world is full of conflict and violence though we wish it were not. But we can wish it away for our children for a short while.

Which leads, I think, to the underlying reason for Paul's discomfort with these lies. The way to resolve conflict is to engage with it in a highly choreographed way. There aren't many, but there are some ways that society has devised for dealing with conflict in non-violent ways. The constitution of the U.S. of A. is an example. Litigation and contract law are others.

Unreflective lying is thus counter-productive to a long-term goal of raising children that have the right combination of courage and humility that is necessary to repeatedly engage in conflict without resorting to violence.

A few other thoughts on specific passages:

"Very smart adults often seem unusually innocent, and I don't think this is a coincidence. I think they've deliberately avoided learning about certain things."

The thing that "very smart adults" have in common may not be selective ignorance, but rather strong skepticism. They haven't "learned" because they remain skeptical long after the rest of the world is satisfied with the lies they've been told.

"You can't distinguish your group by doing things that are rational, and believing things that are true."

The way I understand what you're getting at here is through the distinction between a public good and a natural monopoly. Some people naively assume that all public goods have the natural monopoly characteristic of declining average total costs of production. This is not true. Natural monopolies occupy a middle point in the temporal-spatial spectrum. At the low end, we have black markets that operate in small geographical regions for short periods of time until legal firms can enter. A black market may have a natural monopoly, but it is not a public good. At the other end of the spectrum, we have religion and political ideology, which are neither non-rivalrous nor non-excludable, and yet may have natural monopoly characteristics in how their doctrine are established and disseminated. The bizarre payload can be explained by the leverage these natural monopolies have over their followers. Incidentally, I am a Christian, and believe that learning and practicing Christian doctrine would be of benefit to everybody. But I am acutely aware of the bizarre payload that the church as an institution has accrued over many years. That bizarre payload is a problem for people like me to try and fix, not a reason not to adopt and practice Christianity.

In the end, I connected with this essay because I find the author engaged in what I consider to be one of the more difficult and important human endeavors: becoming free. Freedom cannot be had by force. It grows up in the detritus of shattered false beliefs about self and others. Its growth is fostered by the sun of social acknowledgment, but can wither under the same sun when not also watered down and washed off by humble listening and a habit of self-criticism.

i wish i read that when i was younger. bravo pg for being frank.

Brilliant

sky is blue

"if it's inborn it should be universal"

Yeah -- just like lactose tolerance. Right.

This is genetic, and it's one of those things that differs by genetic ancestry. As Sir Richard Burton once said (paraphrasing here), polygamy versus monogamy is pretty much an affair of climate (and what climate your ancestors contended with).

pg quotes Peter Mayle, writing about divorce: "You shouldn't put the blame on one parent, because divorce is never only one person's fault."

to that pg replies: "Really? When a man runs off with his secretary, is it always partly his wife's fault?"

my answer to that would be: yes, even in that case, the guy's wife has to take part of the blame. she married him in the first place. if she was observant, she would have seen the signs. and she could probably tell he was restless or unfulfilled somehow, but chose to ignore it.

If we think we lie too much to our children - what about the politicians in power that lie to us every day, and call it FREEDOM?