Most lives are lived by default (2012)

Something I've been thinking about lately and I think I've come to consider the optimum to be genuinely happy with the defaults.

As someone who has moved around a lot, tried different things, different jobs, I look at the people who never left their home towns, still have the same friends who are far from perfect and far fewer, and they seem no less happy living day to day than the people I know who moved to a place they 'love', got a great job and do scubaing, skiing and general traveling months out of the year.

There is something about adaptability that make humans strong. Getting a severe illness people still tend to revert to being just as happy as before after a few years, though the condition remains. Winning the lottery doesn't improve your happiness since you revert to the same baseline in the same amount of time.

Those of us who move around are some kind of seeker looking to improve, but the environment might not be unfit for us and if we had another persons mentality we would be just as happy where we are as we will be in our optimal place.

Maybe because I'm from an isolated part of the US where the initial leap to leave was easy but I've never had compunctions about picking up and starting a new life somewhere. I left Alaska when I was 17, moved back, then again when I was 21 for Seattle, then left Seattle for Sydney when I was 26, then Sydney for NYC when I was 31 and been here for the last 10 years (though I went traveling with my girlfriend for 18 months a couple years back).

It's good to shake things up and head for more opportunity, but it's also important to value the time you put in growing your community. After almost eleven years in NY I am reluctant to go somewhere else long term. Sure, a few months at a time but there's no way to speed up the process of making another decade's worth of friends. It's also important not to stop making friends, some of my closest are those I've made in the last five years.

Speaking of five years, I kinda like making broad plans about my life in five year chunks. I taught myself how to write software in Seattle. Started a company in Sydney about five years after that. And five years back I decided I wanted to learn how to write so I pulled back to doing freelance and focused on fiction. Now I'm pretty decent! I'm also back into the startup game, but I picked up a new super power which is pretty sweet. I dunno, if you regret not doing something, do what you can to try it out—you only get one life. There are tradeoffs but I'm happiest not living with regret about what-ifs.

Constantly chasing happiness typically only leads to short term happiness, then a return to baseline. If you're expecting a change of scenery to make you a new person, it won't. Anywhere you go, there you are.

This concept isn't a bad thing. You are constantly evolving, and some choices you make will work for you better than others have. However, if you want to feel at peace (which is a much more important goal) you can find that at any stage in your life.

The counterpoint of that being that if you can’t be happy with what you have now (assuming of course no abusive relationship/living in need of food/shelter/etc), what tells you that changing what you have will meaningfully affect your capability to be happy?

Wherever you go, there you are.

I liked this recent read:

“My father knew a family named Wolfawitz who wanted to go on vacation but didn’t know where.

It hit them. Take a two-week road trip driving to as many towns, parks, and counties as they could that contained their last name: Wolfpoint, Wolfville, Wolf Lake, etc.

They read up and found things to do on the way to these other Wolf spots: a hotel in a railroad car, an Alpine slide, a pretzel factory, etc.

The Wolfawitzes ended up seeing more than they planned. Lots of unexpected things popped up along the route.

When they came back from vacation, they felt really good. It was easily the best vacation of their lives, and they wondered why.

My father says it was because the Wolfawitzes stopped trying to accomplish anything. They just put a carrot in front of them and decided the carrot wasn’t that important but chasing it was.”

Counterpoints: (a) the grass is rarely greener on the other side, (b) what you do and where you live are less important than how you do it and how you react to it.

Can’t fault the point about friends and relationships though.

For me, the default act was accepting the first job offer when I was searching. That behavior meant that I wasn't really consciously choosing a career path, which was not optimal. Since the next job frequently keys off of the experience of the prior job, I wound up spending an entire career in an industry that I didn't consciously choose.

This is always my advice to people between 18 and 23: be careful what industry or area you go into - there's a good chance you'll never leave it.

This article presents a couple of interesting ideas but one really stands out: change and challenging yourself to leave the default state is not just a good thing for your soul, it's also a great way to discover who you are.

How else can you be happy with what you have if you keep wondering whether there is something better out there? Perhaps one way is to go looking for that happiness. Either you find it or you discover that the thing you had originally was what made you truly happy. Either way, stepping out of the ordinary is great way to learn about yourself.

Weird sentiment in my mind. Regarding the job and home, I can maybe understand the argument. Regarding my friends, I feel that their randomness (or "defaultness") is an incredible miracle. I am not social and I have never exactly had a high self esteem. The fact that I do have a small, extremely close group of friends, with a wider pool of people I know casually, is proof to me that I am not only incredibly lucky, but also that at least someone sees me as valuable. The idea that I could create something better by myself seems not only "out of the question", but arrogant and absurd. Of course, the author might say I played right into what he wrote, but it really comes down to a matter of belief, doesn't it?

Most actions involve layers of heuristics such that they might be called "by default"

> But most of us become too established in one place to seriously consider moving once we hit 30.

Sometimes I feel like that would be nice but then realize I’d be very unhappy with it. I’ve moved over 10 times in the last 10 years across 4 different states.

I’ve never really lived on ‘default’ and wouldn’t want to. I like taking risks and giving in to my impulses and it has been financially and personally rewarding in many ways.

For people living on ‘default’ I recommend tweaking the setting a little bit.

That's was a classic in many different society in many different time... Have "non standard" life for most people means a rapidly evolving society that push innovation, experimentation and freedom. The exact opposite of modern society... Also the exact opposite of classic industrialized society because even if we are in CNC era mass production to be economically sustainable still need standard repetitive production.

IMO even when (if) we will arrive in the 3D printing industrial era we will remains for decades in "standard" society simply because even if we push 3D printing to incredible level becoming able to print nearly any kind of artifact we use daily it will still be an expensive slow process respect of a dedicated machinery.

Perhaps in a far far (and hypothetical) future when we will have easy and powerful 3D parametric CAD systems with fully interchangeable formats, with built-in CAE easily accessible to nearly anyone at least for basic simulation, with a so advanced machining that we can simply drop our part in a directory and the software take care to suggest material we need and auto-produce it we will see a new "modern era" of personal development. And this future is unlikely for many thing, industrial control is one of them: if we are able to produce really "individually" anything we are free. Too free for actual ruling classes. We can produce positive innovation that impact some rich&powerful business, we can produce weapons, we can innovate in unwanted directions etc.

Remember formally in the western we are citizens in democracy, but that's formally, a results of our ancestors fights, that was never really complete and vanish more and more every days.

I would take this article a step further and say that all the "bottom lines" in the article can be affixed with ", if they don't feel they have a purpose".

Most people live meaningless lives, that is why they feel empty. If you're just chasing the next raise or promotion or just raising a family so that they in turn can do the same you will inevitably end up feeling empty, whether you're living by default or not. On the other hand, if you have some goal or passion you are pursuing ( one that you believe to be even more important than yourself) , then you will find yourself in the right city, surrounded by the right people, as a result of that.

I agree with the article for the most part but I think it's missing a big piece as far as suggesting _what_ should be driving all these "default" people to change.

The Buddhist comment on the blog was excellent. I think the truth is in the middle, and the comment already nailed that middle ground. You need to take action to better your life, but also be wise enough to appreciate what you have. I've done a lot of traveling, moved around many times around the country after 30. I'm a very unafraid and bold individual, as is my wife. I lived and worked in another country. I wouldn't say it wasn't worth it, and I'd do it all again even though it was a lot of work and sometimes stress. I learned a lot about the world around me, and myself.

I don't think everyone needs to do these things. It depends on the person and critically, your motivation for doing so. I never did anything I've done out of curing unhappiness. The thought never even crossed my mind once in my life, until reading that blog. If that's the motivation, I think disappointment awaits. Mine were all related to goals, helping my spouse achieve her dreams, or achieving my own. Which increased happiness, but the goals weren't set out of unhappiness. I was happy, we were happy, but we wanted to do something more with our time on Earth, and take some risks. It was fun, we'll probably do it more if it makes sense. We keep pushing, I'm a very satisfied developer with no more career goals to check off my list, she just received her Masters and soon onto her PHD. As much change as we've done over the years, I ironically wouldn't change a thing.

Setting goals that will increase happiness is good. I wouldn't set goals to increase happiness on its own. It's your disposition, circumstances, relationships, job that can increase happiness. As a result, I frequently decide to be a better husband (instead of just taking out the trash, start doing the dishes nightly, making the bed, going on more vacations, helping fulfill their educational and career dreams). Or a better neighbor or citizen, it doesn't require a spouse. I can do that right here and now, no need to wait for some special situation or a move to some other place. The consequence to taking action, any action like that, makes you feel better. It gives you a sense of control over your own destiny, and while I hear a lot of excuses from people, I always reiterate that no one has more control over our lives than ourselves. Just accepting that responsibility and taking charge feels good, you don't have to even succeed at the goal.

I've found setting goals, most often unselfish ones, whether it's helping spouse out as much as I can with her career by moving, helping with Masters degree papers, being a better husband, while seemingly indirectly related to happiness, has made me much happier. This is ancient wisdom, but I've accidentally stumbled across it out of love for my spouse.

You are already enough as you are. You were born enough. Happiness doesn't really come from surfing, that's enjoyment. Some people enjoy snorting cocaine, that's not happiness either. The Facebook and Instagram pretend-rich, be damned as well. Loving someone else, spouses, neighbors, it doesn't matter, is really loving yourself.

I've made a lot of changes in my life and I've never made a more fulfilling change than that one. I'm a flawed person for sure, but I wouldn't change spots with anyone, because I'm (now) always trying to be a better person regardless of my circumstances. I'd be worried that I'd be someone else, maybe with a billion dollars, who is afraid to make real change in their lives, be adventurous and risk-taking in the important way, loving others selflessly without reward. I could be Jeff Bezos. I can't imagine a deeper hell.

I believe meaning doesn’t matter to most people. If asked, they would probably say their life is meaningful, but it’s not of huge importance to them. On the contrary, a subset of people find it immensely important and therefore exceedingly difficult to achieve and are responsible for most of the published thinking on it. By necessity chasing after something that will make you feel you have lived a good life won’t work, because after you’ve done it... you’re still alive.

Finding peace with your surroundings also sounds nice, but for some it’s just not going to work- and making peace with the idea that long term meaning is not a good goal is probably ideal.

TLDR people are bad at meta-emotions. Also, fear of death, sincerity of love, and self respect.

>He’s thirty-eight, fit, has no plans for children,

Well there you go.

Jamie fell for the "career and consumerism" meme and now he realizes something critical is missing. How much drinking and Netflix and vacationing can you do before you realize that you're becoming a genetic dead end?

We're meant to feel bad when we're not accomplishing our biological imperatives.