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Comment by agumonkey | Hacker News Reader

This goes with the adult/parent step. Your ego usually takes a deep hit. I'm sure lots of guys I've seen refuse to make babies did so because they knew it was the end of a side of them. They wanted to keep playing longer. Ego decrease is probably hardcoded for social purposes.

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I definitely experienced this when I had a child. But along with it I also experienced a sort of loosening of my grip on how things “should” be, and ironically I feel more calm and centered than I did before I had a child.

Another weird shift is realizing that kids have their own internal worlds and experiences that have nothing to do with your own mind/ego. It’s kind of mind blowing.

Agreed. Even though the 2nd part is still hard to process for me, yet I did not forget who I was as a child .. but the contrast is yeah mind blowing.

Not all parents realize this second thing unfortunately

and not all adults need to be hand held by a newborn to realize others have different perceptions

Do you have kids?

It's not the "others" bit, it's the "your own kids" bit that makes it surprising for me - it's kinda like one day you pick up a pen with your non-dominant hand and it writes some words in an alphabet you don't recognise: How did it do that? Where did it even come across Akkadian cuneiform?

I still remember the confronting the realisation of this with my eldest when they said a word that I knew we, his parents, hadn't taught him. It's such a stark contrast when you're still having to manage a little person's toiletting that they nonetheless have an internal independency of thoughts and feelings.

I'd call it more of an ego shift if you account for reasons like "the world needs more people" and "I'll be a good enough parent that my child(ren) will be a net good," which definitely are pro-ego rationales. I think it's mostly the biological imperative in any case, though.

yeah shift if you prefer. I get your point though, it's definitely something very deep biologically, and often twist your ego in a new shape (I'd add "I'll be all that my parents weren't")

I'm 41 and I have still not managed to really confront the question of having children despite my wife being in her late 30s.

> I'm sure lots of guys I've seen refuse to make babies did so because they knew it was the end of a side of them.

Well, yeah...that sounds plausible. So how do they solve this?

What solved it for me was my partner. She wanted a kid (I was 41, she was 36), I just kind of went with it - screaming inside - but when she was born everything changed. That was a few years ago now and I'm still coming to terms with it. Just let it happen.

I never thought I'd have kids, but the right woman will overrule you. It's a much better experience than I thought, and sure, there are days when I think - this wasn't a great idea - but once your child is born, you're programmed to care for it - and it's nowhere as bad as I thought it would be.

Thanks for the thoughtful words!

> once your child is born, you're programmed to care for it

Someone should let my parents know that.

Agreed.

Bertram Russell had an unhappy childhood and was divorced three times, (married four).

This thread seems to be stretched beyond the original premise.

Yeah, I know what you mean. For myself, I find it helpful to remember that everyone is doing the best they can do to survive. And this can mean simply trying your best to look after yourself, if you aren't doing that well then you don't have much left over for anyone else.

I have no idea what you're trying to say or how it relates at all to my parents being abusive pieces of shit.

You're simply dead wrong that every person is somehow "programmed" to care for their offspring; don't go around spreading dangerous falsehoods.

Your experience echoes mine almost exactly. Now I can't imagine a life without my daughter.

Her interests got me out of my comfort zone - I'm president of a girls basketball league - and develop aspects of myself that I may not have. I stepped into the position because she and her friends love the league and nobody else wanted to do it.

I've seen that repeatedly. Women want babies way quicker it seems. I feel like lots of guys want to keep the couple relationship for a lot longer because it's fulfilling as is and they don't want to change the dynamics. Also I suspect lots of guys want to be their SO full source of happiness.

btw what did you think would be bad having babies ?

It's been my experience that the man wants the babies NOW and the woman want to wait a few years until she meets career goals, or wait to concentrate on health problems, or just don't feel ready yet.

I know several relationships/marriages that broke up because the man was ready for kids and the woman wasn't, yet never the other way around.

https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/men-want-kids-more-than-wom...

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/actually-men-have-al...

I'm just trying to be the best husband and dad in the world. Having children is not the end of the world. On the contrary, it's a super challenge that lets a ton of our personality to shine through.

For some reason most parents will tell you it's amazing even if they are miserable. The reality is it could be amazing, or horrible, or anything in between.

Your life will change. Your relationship with your SO will change. You may feel significant financial stress. Kids aren't cheap, but this of course will vary with expectations and your SO's expectations. You will have to compromise a lot.

I don't regret it by any stretch, but that could just be Stocholms...

Ignore advice that's certain one path fits all.

I think "usually" is important in this statement. There are people who have children because it's a small part of them that will extend into the future, or because they're afraid nobody will be around to love them in old age, etc.

yeah that's a common idea/goal. personally I really wanted kids when I had a deep relationship with someone.. and somehow I wanted to make copies of her .. don't laugh.

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