I can't tell if this is a joke or not.
So if something is asynchronous then why not back it up with a message broker and get the properties I listed (in earnest).
We did have some success at one of my previous companies (wiggle.co.uk), but that was mainly due to pretty tight integration between MSMQ, MSDTC and MS Sql Server. Even then, we tried to avoid distributed transactions as much as possible.