Hacker News Reader

Comment by chess44 | Hacker News Reader

I had no desire to make friends until college. I was so content with just hanging out by myself that I didn't even realize that other people were making friends. When I got to college I finally realized that I was so different from everyone else.

I basically had to start from zero social skills and work my way up which is/was extremely painful.

Can anyone relate? I think it has something to do with my parents because they aren't social at all.

View on HN

My experience is that having friends to hang out with was “easy” through high school, because you’re basically “stuck” around a fairly small number of peers in your neighborhood and school. In college there was still some of that, with dorm mates and classmates in your major. After that, it’s really only coworkers that you are “automatically” going to spend a lot of time with, and it becomes much more important to have the social skills to actively find friends. As everyone says, hobbies and social groups (like religions and clubs) are probably the best way to do this.

“Boring time” or dedicated idleness is excellent for socialization, which is what I think creates the best environment for creating friendships.

That’s precisely my experience. To be honest, after college I’ve found that hobbies are not that great for finding very close friends. Shared interests are certainly great for meeting people, but just because you occasionally make pottery or hike with someone doesn’t mean you’ll connect on a deep level.

This is an insightful observation that I feel is worth unpacking further. I've had similar experience when attending interest-based meetups, which I thought would be an ideal place to make friends (which I've never been any good at), but I found that was not the case at all.

Thinking back, I recall feeling uncomfortable commenting on or diverting the conversation towards anything that was unrelated to the prescribed topic of the meetup. It felt rude to divert time away from the topic that everyone there had specifically chosen to allocate their time to, otherwise they wouldn't be there in the first place.

With places like school, even college, there's still a general feeling that you have to be there, and so diversions from the topic at hand are more welcome.

To put it another way, interest-based groups seem to be about the interest first and the people second. The people there are compartmentalized away as being related to the specific topic, and not generalized friends. In this way the group lacks that crucial idleness factor that others here have mentioned, since everyone is there with a purpose to fulfill that they don't want to distract others from.

That’s precisely my experience. I have “hiking buddies,” but they remain just that unless I make an effort to connect more (which I’m generally not great at). It’s not that we never talk about things other than hiking—we certainly do, but the fact that the group is assembled for the purpose of the particular outdoor adventure still prevents there from being much organic significant friendship building.

It probably doesn’t help that a lot of my hiking and camping trips are a few hours’ drive away from home and thus tend to draw people who live fairly far away from me.

> the fact that the group is assembled for the purpose of the particular outdoor adventure still prevents there from being much organic significant friendship building

I'm of the belief that you don't "create" close friends as much as you "discover" them. So the purpose of going to meetups, events, parties, etc. is to just cast a wider net.

Sure by socializing more you become a better conversationalist and can carry them on better with strangers, but at the core, close friends are like significant others--special just they way they are.

I feel ya. For me though, after college I realized that I was still happier mostly alone. I think I might be a bit autistic though (seriously).

Yes, same experience and timeline. I tried improving my social skills to catch up, and I did, but years later I realized that all I needed were a few (or one) good friend. That's where the value is at, although I suppose having many friends helps you get to that point.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com